Crouch's Cellar : Abusing the Laws of Science.

Crouch's Cellar

Like an arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.

Today's Subject - Lizards

Ah yes, serpents with legs. What a fine subject to abuse. Put away your scalpel children, for we are not going to cut the lizard. Rather, we are going to test the animal's tolerance for aggravation. Lizards are a very calm creature and typically with run away from confrontation. The purpose of our abuse today is to see how much we can frustrate a lizard and to quantify our results with scientific jargon.

PREPARATION STAGE

The first thing we will want to do is have a control. For this experiment we will use a toddler*. So ask your neighbors if you can baby sit their 2 year old son for the weekend. Excellent. Once we have a toddler we will need to gather some lizards. My scientific journal here says they can be found on hots rocks in the sun. Gather at least four lizards together and keep them in a crude cage made of aluminum, duct tape, and card board. The next thing we will need to gather is irritants. Gather, ( and by gather I mean steal from your mother), hairspray, rubbing alcohol, toothpicks, and 9mm pistol. Prepare some paper and pens to make scientific graphs and we are ready to begin.

STAGE ONE

Grab a lizard and place it on the counter. Secure the lizard with a length of duct tape. Repeat the process with the toddler. Place some small toys with removable parts and some plastic bags around the child to keep it distracted. We will begin our tests with the hair spray test. To begin we will place plastic sheeting on the hair of the toddler. A real scientist never wants to use chemicals as intended. Once the two subjects have been properly subdued spray a generous and even amount of the hairspray on the face of the test subjects. Note reaction. After that curl the lizards tail and spray another portion of hairspray on to it. Note reaction. Also, curl the toddler's finger and spray an equal portion onto it. Note Reaction.

Be sure to quantify aggravation and irritation levels in scientific terms and use some mathematical symbols on your graph. Did the eyes redden? Did the subject emit sound? Squirm factor? All of these things are important to consider.

FACT - Hairspray poisoning is real and occurs when someone inhales too much of the product. Symptoms include nausea, headache, rashes, and in extreme cases even comas can result.

STAGE TWO

Take the rubbing alcohol and douse a generous amount onto a cloth towel. carefully place a drenched cloth towel on the nose of each subject. The towel may drop off due to the reaction of the subject, but remain diligent. Make sure to have the towel on the nose for a combined time of 2 minutes and 45 seconds. After the time has elapsed grab a flashlight and shine it into the pupils of each subject. Note response.

FACT - Some lizards conserve water by getting rid of salt in the blood stream. The salt is excreted in the capillarie's nerves in the nose.

STAGE THREE

The previous two stages have focused on response to chemical stimuli. While chemicals are useful for emitting response, the can also result in a dulling of the senses and lessening aggravation. That being the case for the second half of our study and the third step, we will poke the subjects in various body parts with tooth picks. Make sure that the toothpicks being used have nice sharp points and are not the sissy "flat" picks. At your discretion choose 5 "aggravation points" on each subject by marking them with a Sharpie. Proceed to poke the spots at a rapid and random rate.

Aggravation should come into effect quickly but do not slow down. Continue to probe the selected areas for a period of no less than 5 minutes. Once the time has elapsed and the "aggravation points" have become red and swollen, discard the toothpicks and place them in a waste basket. Note response.

FACT - The majority of lizards replace entire sets of teeth many time throughout their life spans, reducing the need for dental insurance.

STAGE FOUR

The 9mm handgun is a proven tool of science going back to the turn of the 20th century. Many hypotheses can be proved using the instrument, and the threshold of a lizard's aggravation is no exception. Place the 9mm handgun securely against any number of the lizard and toddler's "non-vital" areas. For a complete list of non vital areas please refer to the 1991 issue of Highlights magazine with the picture of a happy bear on the cover. Once selected fire two magazine rounds into the selected area. Note response.

FACT - Many species of lizards can regrow their tails after shedding it as a defense mechanism. The tail does grow back, but with cartilage instead of bone. The new tail has smaller scales and will never be as long as the original tail.

CONCLUSION

After noting the responses of the two subjects we can see that a lizard is a much more relaxed animal than say, a human child. While the chemical tests greatly infuriated and aggravated the toddler the lizards would just go into a catatonic sleep, (or "death" if you prefer). Also the toothpick test caused the toddler's skin to become heavily irritated and inflamed in areas, where as the lizards skin stayed green and scaly. Also the toddler's toes did not grow back when removed with the 9mm bullet. The lizard's tail is currently reappearing. certainly a marvel of science, it is very difficult to upset a lizard. We can all strive to be more relaxed, just like a lizard.

*If using a toddler seems "wrong" or "in poor taste" you may use an annoying co-worker who repeats themselves incessantly and loudly on a regular basis.