Maybe the reason video game movies always stink, is the fact that video game characters are often one dimensional, stereotyped, formulaic drones. These characters like to do the same thing over and over. How come this is? Well, idiot fan boys love to buy the same game over and over, so why bother giving these guys personality. Here are the 10 that I came up with, but the majority of game character could be here.
10. Master Chief
Having never played any of the Halo games, I threw this guy on there because I don't have to play the games to know he's a chump. I've seen enough Star Wars to know that if the guy wears a helmet all the time, he doesn't have the personality God gave a Bantha's backside. I'm sure Master Chief just runs around, guns blazing, and if he ever does speak or show emotion it will be to yell like a jock in a high school football game. Other one dimensional helmeted idiots in games includes: Samus, Meta Knight, That Guy From HAZE, and any player in the Madden series.
9. Link
The definition of being one dimensional may be read as "Lacking depth". While Link does not "lack depth", he's certainly been in enough games, he does the same thing in all his games! Start of as a young lad, check. Find out about a problem you're destined to solve, check. Find a sword and a shield you're destined to find, check. Never say a word to any one, checkity check! Link never speaks and just does as the guiding character tells him. Kill his parents or something. Give us more of a reason to care about this guy. Uncle Owen?! Aunt Beru?!!
8. Dr. Salvador
Yes that's his name. Why not give this guy a background. Why doesn't he pick up pitchforks and knives like the rest of the villagers? Why does he go straight for the chainsaw? Also, what's with the burlap sack? "Where you burned by acid, or something?". I believe Capcom could have done more to give this guy more flavor. More depth. Maybe they thought a desire to saw of other people's heads with a chainsaw was personality enough.
7. Soul Calibur Chicks
As anyone who has seen a chick on a wrestling show can attest, girls with fake fun bags have no personality. These structurally unsound fighters drive that point home. Someone needs to get the animators at NAMCO some glasses. Sure they have a "back story" and each time they win they'll say one of 3 preselected phrases, but allot of a character's personality come from how they are perceived. Trust me, none of the 14 year old kids that play this game are thinking about Sophie's fight to save her people.
6. Kratos
This guy. You can look at him and tell what kind of story the has. Ooh I hope he doesn't become angry with the gods and swear revenge! That would be terrible if he had to fight through hoards of enemies and hack and slash his way to justice. I don't remember what he sounds like, but I'm sure it's a mixture between James Earl Jones and Harrison Ford. "I want my family back!". That was from Firewall.
5. Pac-Man
This guy is so one dimensional he doesn't even chew his food. Seriously though, from a technical stand point Pac-Man is two dimensional. All arcade characters, by necessity, were one dimensional in those days. You didn't have cut scenes, and you sure didn't have book and movie tie-ins. They would come up with lazy expansions like Mrs. Pac-Man. Seriously, how upset would you be if the next Metroid game was "Mr. Samus" and the only change was there was a baseball cup on the varia suit? They tried to make 3D Pac-Man games, but they were all garbage and only gullible 30 year-olds played them.
4. Mario
Now don't get your over-alls in a bunch. It can be agreed that Mario is a multi-faceted game character, but that doesn't mean he isn't one dimensional. Look at the image above. In all his games, whether it's jumping, flying, karting, or playing sports, he always has that dumb look on his face. The only attempt to explain Mario's roots, and maybe his reason for existence, came in Yoshi's Island, (a sweet game), but we found out more about storks and Yoshi than we did about Mario. Sure his games have multi-dimensional game play, but Mario has always been the same. Dresses the same, talks the same, and sells the same. I guess that's why they don't mess around with his character too much.
3. Chris Redfield
We can all agree that zombies are bad. They are bad for your health and they hurt the economy. So why is it that this joker only states the obvious during times of crisis? "We've got to kill these zombies!". "Don't let them touch you!". Or my personal favorite, "He's a terrorist, plain and simple." No kidding Chris. Why don't you think outside the box and quit being the strong man for once. Maybe cry like a girl, or scream when you see a genetically mangled flesh monster? Or, instead of going on about being partners, maybe talk about what you did before you joined S.T.A.R.S. That would be good. You sound like a publicity statement after 9/11. You're not the press. You're in the crisis. Start acting like it!
2. The Long Piece
Then there is this guy. Sure he can lay flat but he won't. All he ever does is wait for a narrow crevice to appear and then he drops in vertically. Every time. Why not do something else with your life? Do you know how easy it is to get your real estate license? So easy. Maybe take some time off from making a Tetris and flip some condos. Think about it.
1. Boogerman
Being one dimensional isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes basing your entire life, and a set of super powers, on vulgar jokes you heard in Jr. High is a good thing. This is true in Boogerman's case. Sure he uses boogers as a projectile and he flys by farting, but if the one dimension you have going for you is funy, play it out. Unfortunately there was never a sequel to this game and Interplay is out of business, but you can download it on the Wii's Virtual Console. Our lesson today; The Vulgar Dimension is the best dimension.
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