This Glorch knows something about success. Although I have long since retired, I remember what it took to amass the huge fortune I have today. Before retiring to my yacht I wasn't a particularly hard working man. Rather than rely on the sweat of my brow or the faculties of the mind, I used tricks of the trade to climb the corporate ladder to greatness. Now that I am out of the rat race and enjoying retirement on my private island i will let you in on my secrets. Here we go.
10. Shiny Shoes.
A must for any one who wants to some day be a big wig. Shiny shoes force onlookers to look down. Unknowingly bowing down before you, these onlookers will be duped into believing you are above them. I recommend using a bucket of Iguana spit and a terry towel. While the Iguana spit doesn't come cheap, I believe the results will speak for themselves. Cheers.
9. Sick Kids
Let's face it, you'll want to skip work from time to time. Whether you need to skip work to go binge drinking or need to skip work because of binge drinking doesn't matter. When you call in sick because of your own illness, this will hinder your rise to the top. However, if you call in sick because of a sick child it changes matters. Instead of the irresponsible alcoholic that you are, you will be perceived as a loving parent. Even if you don't have children, pretend that you do. It is the ticket to a little time off, without the judgmental results.
8. Breath Mints.
Would you keep a litter box in your cubicle? No? Then why would you keep one in your mouth. After going to the buffet for lunch grab some breath mints. Force a healthy amount of them into your gulliver before returning to work. Excellent. Now instead of smelling like the avocado sausage special salad, you will smell like wintergreen. Very good. Word to the wise: Keep belching to a minimum. Belches draw there stench from the gut and are not masked by the topical effect of a breath mint.
7. Clear Plastic Binders.
Any real employee knows nothing about the subject of their labor. That's fine. With a clear plastic binder you won't need to. One percent of impressing your boss is content and the other ninetey nine percent is presentation. By presenting your inferior data or opinions in a clear plastic binder you will give the appearance of professionalism and diligence. Bats aren't bugs.
6. Energy Supplements.
A sleepy worker is an ineffective worker. Cigarettes used to be acceptable at work, but now due to some crazy statement by the surgeon general, cigarette users are seen as dirty addicts who don't care about their health. There is a solution. You can now abuse your body with any number of energy drinks. Combining as many as possible during your 8 hour shift will make you alert and focused. Don't worry about your health. Your body has a number of filtration organs that sift out the bad parts so you get only the good. Drink up!
5. Corporate Smile.
Nobody likes a guy that mopes around the office all day. Sure you didn't want to come to work today, no one did. A fun part of being at a labor camp is to have a smile contest. Whoever smiles the most wins! The winner will have an ecstatic look on their face all day long. The only way to tell that said individual is not on vacation is to look into the eyes and seek out the repressed sorrow and misery. This smile is essential during interviews with supervisors with bad news for you. No raise or benefits for you? Great! Super! Grand! You'll get there buddy. In the meanwhile be sure to use these fabulous Joker products.
4. A Good Place To Hide Your Boogers.
So important. Vital really. I personally kept my mound of nostril gold in an old coffee can in my bottom desk drawer. Where ever you pick (get it) is fine, but be sure that it is out of sight. A very popular choice is directly under the desk, but be cautious. Once the pillar of phlegm begins to take shape, it may become visible to onlookers. Instead why not use that old empty chap stick tube. Once the tube becomes full of compacted boogers, you can give it to your boss as a gift. Bosses love gifts.
3. Have A Prior Relationship With The Boss.
3. Have A Prior Relationship With The Boss.
The first part of getting ahead is to break the ice with the boss. Having an established relationship with the boss can go a long way to give you an edge over the other employees. While being family, fellow church members, or neighbors can be effective, the most effective previous relationship would have to be drinking buddies. If your boss used to tip back Grandpa's Old Cough Syrup with you, think of the black mail you will be able to use! If it's ever time for disciplinary action you will be able to avoid any kind of sanction. Just hope you don't get a new boss anytime during your stay.
2. No Emotion.
2. No Emotion.
As any Vulcan knows, emotion is for the weak. Evil Spock knows this even more so. The main part of business is the bottom line. Granny had a hard attack so you couldn't pay that bill on time? Too bad. Little Johnny has autism so he broke his DS? Pay for the repair. You want me to reverse your fees and donate it to the relief efforts in Haiti? No. Bad things happen to good people and the jerks get lucky. Deal with it. I'm running a business here. Did you see a sign outside that said "Red Cross"? No? Then cough up those dollars and shut your pie hole.
1. Suck Up To Your Superiors.
The most important rule. Face it, no matter how smart, clever, efficient, or good looking you think you are your boss still views you as a pawn. A means to an end. No more than a dog. And if a dag ever bites you, it has to be put down. Everyone else in the office is showering the superiors with praise and congratulation on a regular basis. If you are the only chum in the house that doesn't, you will be the first to go. So no matter how menial the task give, do it with alacrity. No matter how insulting the discipline, accept it as you would a basket full of money. And for the love of god, compliment your bosses clothes. "Nice tie sir". "Excellent slacks sir." "That broach is the nicest piece of jewelry I've ever seen ma'am".
If you follow the above steps to the letter you might be as successful as me one day. What an accomplishment that shall be. Good luck.
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