Super Review

Beefy 5-Layer Burrito

Worth the 0.89% of a dollar?

Hot on the tail of the superb Cheesy Gordita Crunch, the 5-layer burrito has a lot to live up to. The Cheesy Gordita Crunch was crunchy, yet cheesy and also a great deal.

To go along with the release of the 5-Layer Burrito, which we will call "B5LB" for the rest of the article, Taco Bell has tied in another TV add. For those of you without a glorching schedule that allows for bulk television ingestion, I will sum up. Some dude walks into an exceptionally clean Taco Bell and asked for "Diane" or whatever. Once she comes to the register, he asks for that "Special deal" she gave him last time he was in. Of course, it turns out that the deal applies to every one and the guy's last imprudent visit was shortly after he ate a bucket of rubber cement.

So, as the television has told us, the B5LB is fully loaded, and a steal at 89 cents. But is it tasty? I can stuff a load of mynock feces in a space slug, but that doesn't make it a cave. Does that make sense? No. We will judge the B5LB on, appropriately, 5 aspects. Ingredients, flavor, texture, appearance, and replay value. Go.

Ingredients

The five layers are constituted thusly; Beans, Beef, Cheddar, Sour Cream, and a layer of Nacho Cheese. All are very "south of the border", but they can be distributed in unequal portions. Note to Taco Bell employees; A little sour cream goes a long way. Don't get me wrongo, I love sour cream, as a credit to your race, but I never feel the urge to eat a dollop of Daisy. Sour cream is what you call a "condiment". Like ketchup, mustard, and turtle guts it adds to the dish. It is not the dish. Too much sour cream.

Also, there is one use for nacho cheese. It goes on nachos. The B5LB, last time I checked, is not nachos. The nacho flavor contrasts unfavorably with the beans in my opinion.

Overall, the ingredients, while all from the Madre land, don't really mesh and can be found, unlike in the commercial, in unequal portions.

Flavor

Taco Bell is tasty. Burritos are tasty. How does the B5LB stack up? Not well. As mentioned before, the unequal portions really throw off the flavor. Let's consider the bean and cheese burrito. If you get a bite of all beans no big deal. If you get a bite of all cheese no big deal. With the B5LB however, a bite consisting of sour cream and nacho is a big deal.

Overall the B5LB tries to join familiar flavors together, but the result is b. l. a. h.

Texture

Sorry to drive the point home, but the content of the B5LB is disproportionate. They should have called it "Messy Glops and Bean Burrito". It's like biting into a maple bar and getting nacho cheese filling. No thanks. Even if the flavor was agreeable, the combination of beef and gobs of sour cream is no good. In addition, the extra layer of Nacho Cheese "between the sheets" if you will, is like eating snot between two T-shirts. Boo.

Appearance

Don't judge a book by it's cover, and don't judge the B5LB by the unnecessarily large window decal by the drive-thru. It looks good on mass produced plastic decal sure, but in practice this burrito is one ugly duckling. I suppose if the food handlers at your local Taco Bell were the same that engineered that beauty for the commercial, I wouldn't be saying this. That is not the case. The high school kids use the same poor judgement that helps them to choose popular music, to assemble the B5LB. I could hire a monkey to arrange the ingredients, as long as I had someone to roll the burrito. Surprisingly the nacho cheese layer is actually consistent with the advertisement.

Replay Value

I like to see how food comes out. Literally. The B5LB came out surprisingly good. Solid. Kind of a nutmeggy jasmine with a musk to it. I've had much worse at the hands of the burrito supreme.

Final Verdict

A good deal for the money? Sure. However, there are many other fine items on the menu that are just as cheap and taste a whole lot better. I have no idea what the calorie content of the B5LB is, but I can tell you it won't be on their "Drive-Thru Diet" menu any time soon. I won't be having another one, I know that.

ANOTHER TAKE:

After finishing of a pint and a bottle of the cheapest Jim Beam whiskey, I had my government assigned designated driver to take me by the Bell. Surprisingly enough I ordered the B5LB. It was very tasty. There you have it. You have to be drunk/mentally impaired to enjoy the product.