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Movies To Glorch To.

Here we are. The top 10 movies to glorch to. Before you grab your popcorn with all of the Star Wars movies, fear not. I have allotted only one spot for a Star Wars movie, else wise it would have to be a Top 15, and I don't have time for that. I have to get to glorching sometime today.

10. Back To The Future - Part II



The Back to the Future trilogy is one of the finest in modern cinema. The idea of time travel just does something to my brain. I like to sit and think about what kind of paradox I might find myself in if I had a flux capacitor and a stainless steel sports car. The second Back to the Future movie is my favorite because it takes us into the future, back to a fowled up present, and then back to the 1950's. That's why, like a cat poop flavored Tootsie Pop, the middle bit is the best. Not to say I and III are cat poop. They are very good too.

9. The NeverEnding Story



It's hard to think about this movie without thinking about that 80's pop song to go along with it. Never Eding Stooory. Wahoo Wahoo Wahoooo... Lihmal's only hit in the states I'm afraid. How shocking. Anyways, this movie is a classic on all fronts. The main message of the film is that kids need to let go of their dead mothers and read a load of books. The creatures and effects in this movie were as good as they came, and if you ask me, much better than any CG I've seen today. Warner Bros. Pictures is coming out with a remake of the tale by 2012. I guess we'll see if a CG Falcor is better than a huge puppet.

8. Star Trek - First Contact



Generations was a good Star Trek movie, but it's insistence on tying the original story into the Next Generation's time line bogged down the story. First Contact is the best Star Trek movie, yes even better than that shiny new one. For starters, the Enterprise-E was introduced in this movie. This Sovereign-class starship was no slouch, as the borg soon found out. Speaking of those hive minded, insatiable, adaptable enemies are the best ones in the Alpha quadrant, but have only been used once in the films. Sure Picard's hatred for the borg mimics Kirk's hatred for the Klingons in III and VI, but so what. Patrick Stewart is the best actor to ever wear a Starfleet uniform, and he carries the movie. You broke your little ship.

7. Open Range



Some would say that Unforgiven is the best western ever. I thin Unforgiven is a very good western, but Open Range is my favorite. A good western doesn't get too complicated. Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall are just a couple cowboys who are moving cattle through an area controlled by some mean Irish dude who doesn't want to share his grass. Costner, who also does a bang up job of directing, handles his business after that mean Irish guy has his goons kill his friend and his dog. In the vein of the shoot out at the OK Coral, Duvall and Costner eventually kill every last bad guy in the small town. Tasty 1870's justice.

6. Batman



When I first saw The Dark Knight I was blown away. It was an awesome movie with good actors and a good story. Sadly, you can only watch that movie so many times before you get sick of it. The Batman released in 1989 and directed by Tim Burton is much deeper in my opinion. Sure Nicholson's take on the Joker is not as serious nor as sinister as the late Ledger's was, but the Joker aint a serious guy. More than anything, the industrial Gotham City sets of Burton's pictures feel more like Gotham than the slick Chicago based sets of the modern pictures. Sadly the 125 minute abortion known as Batman and Robin left such a sour taste in peoples mouths, many have not gone back to anything before Batman Begins. Which is too bad, because both of the films directed by Burton stand up beautifully.

5. Dumb and Dumber



Easily the funniest and most quotable movie of all time. Unappreciated in it's simplistic genius, the story of Harry and Lloyd traveling across the country to give a girl her briefcase is Jim Carry's funniest movie. Too many comedies try to give their characters some semblance of intelligent thought. By having Harry and Lloyd be complete idiots, the hilarity is uncaged and so are the outlandish situations. If you quote a line from this movie and the person next to you doesn't run with it, disown that individual. Stuff. What kind of "stuff" Lloyd? Oh, A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles *clears throte* Petey.

4. Raiders of the Lost Ark



Before Indiana Jones came along, a lot of the movies were artsy movies and focused on story and camera angles. Raiders of the Lost Ark focused in on adventure! George Lucas' story pulled in elements from the archaeological competitive nature during the early 1900's and the story of the greatest treasure ever; The Ark of the Covenant. Sure the majority of the methods used by Jones would never really be employed by an archaeologist, but that would be boring. The first Indiana Jones movie is the best, but they are all tasty movies to glorch to.

3. Jurassic Park



Previous to Jurassic Park, dinosaurs in cinema were portrayed as sluggish monsters. Typically they would come out of the jungle to box in slow motion with King Kong. Dumb. This Sci-Fi thriller based on the book by the great Michael Crichton, is the first movie to do dinosaurs well. They are not sluggish and their tales do not drag on the ground. If you were stuck at dark, in the rain, in a car while a hungry Tyrannosaur was around you would pee in your pants. This movie made sure you knew that. Too it carried with it the theory of the book, not that of genetic engineering, but rather that all complex systems are subject to chaos. As I sit at my desk munching on Sour Cream and Onion tater chips like Nedry, I can't help but feel like part of the problem.

2. Labyrinth


The finest moment in cinematic history is not Citizen Kane. It is David Bowie's crotch in spandex surrounded by puppets. All kidding aside, if your going to glorch to a movie you would be hard pressed to find a film more suited for such activity than Labyrinth. Mix Jim Henson's genius puppetering with an excelent score from David Bowie. Something about this movie puts the viewer in a coma. Present day if there were a movie whee an androgynous man who kidnapped babies, parents might be hesitant to let their kids watch it. The movie puts me to sleep before I even get to the Magic Dance song. It's like a perfect bedtime story.

1. Star Wars Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back.



Duh. The perfect movie. Empire is the best movie ever, and by extension the best sequel ever. This sequel, more than any other, took a group of established characters and expanded upon their stories and developed them even further. The locations in Empire are ridiculously diverse as are the special effects. A snow battle with Imperial walkers. A chase through an asteroid field. A wise old muppet jedi. A clash between two characters with the biggest revelation in motion picture history. This movie has it all. If I had to rank the Star Wars Movies it would go thus-

Strikes Back
New Hope
Return of the Jedi
Phantom Menace
Revenge of the Sith
Attack of the Clones

They are all great though. So there we are. Good movies one and all. Watch them. Or don't. I don't care. Peace!