Crouch's Cellar Like the arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.
Today's Subject: Crouch Makeover!!!
"Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of persons ought YOU to be in holy acts of conduct and deeds of godly devotion?" 2 Peter 3:11
Indeed. Let's take this scriptural counsel, and transform into an unholy union of science and animal testing. We will attempt to transform our beloved writer into a conglomeration of all of the ridiculous things he enjoys. So our needed tools today will be a pair of sewing shears, 5"hose clamps, industrial strength cement adhesive, 10 pound mending cord, and a measure of skin from Crouch's buttocks for skin grafts. I'll give you a moment to gather those things. Ready? Here we go!
Feet - Deinonychus Feet
We will remove Crouch's regular flat footed excuses for chimp feet. The big toes does not even oppose. The Deinonychus claw will make him much more agile. In addition to agility the new foot will also be used as an effective weapon for gutting prey and itching swollen parasite bites. Crouch's monthly visit to the podiatrist should prove interesting. Don't get too close Doc.
Legs - Mario's Legs
Crouch's legs are stubby, worthless, and pale excuses for limbs. While Mario's legs are stubby as well, they will give Crouch an improved leaping ability. Every one knows what a lethal combination Mario has made out of jumping and landing, and Crouch will use this ability to his advantage. At long last he will be able to reach the sweets his wife hides on the top shelf. Glory. Sweet, sweet glory.
Torso - Star Fleet Officer
Ah, yes. The first duty of every Star Fleet officer is to look good in a Star Fleet uniform. We'll throw the sweet ones from the Next Generation movies on him. Maybe the yellow... Lieutenant Commander... Yeah, yeah, that's hot.
Arms - Chris Redfield
Nothing makes a man look good like a pair of over sized, unnatural appearing, steroid induced biceps. I know just the pair. Chris Redfield seems to have been bench pressing condominiums in his spare time between the last couple games he was in. Look at the size of those meet hooks. Let's staple a pair of those right above the shoulder. Nice. Crouch will be able to lift anything now.
Hands - Emperor Palpatine's Hands
They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. Let's give Crouch a Sith Lord's hands just to be ironic. With these lightning shooting murder mits, Crouch will be sure to make many pay for their lack of vision. Good. Goooood. Word to the wise: If he come up to you and asks you to pull his finger, don't do it.
Eyes - Cyclops' Visor
You can see the soul through the eyes. Since our creation will be a soulless creation of terror, why bother? Let's give him those radio-active mutant eyes of Cyclops. We'll throw that visor on to so that he doesn't freak out and blow a hole in a Middle School. With these powerful tools Crouch will be able to dissect others with his laser vision whenever he chooses. He will also be able to toast a bagel with out a toaster.
Hair - Superman's Hair
We're talking about the Christopher Reeve Hair here, gentlemen. If you saw Superman IV you know how strong and durable this hair is. The fact that the hair looks like the mane of the God's doesn't hurt either. If Crouch gets bored of looking super fine (get it?), he can always clone himself a legion of inferior Supermen. Before doing so he may want to make sure he has enough limited budget 80's special effects to go along with them.
So there we have it. Crouch has been manufactured into the ultimate creature. What sort of person ought we to be? I'll show you!!!
GIVE HIM LIFE!!!!!!!!
You're Welcome.
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