Facts of Life

Things That Never Change

The Facts of Life, from what I understand, was a show in the early 80's that had Marty McFly in it. I never watched that show, but I have noticed that there are many things in life that remain very factual. Usually these things are negative. Being the pessimist that I am, here are 10 things I wish would change, but know will not.

10. Not Funnier The 2nd Time.

Some people told a joke once that got such a response they have chosen to use it over and over. You may not think about it, but listen in on your co-workers some time. They develop tag lines and stupid jokes they love to repeat. Take this journey; a middle aged woman saying "What's goin' on?" like a surfer dude. Funny right? The first time sure. How about the 10th time? How about if every day that person talked to 100 customers and said the same thing every time they answered the phone? We're in cut myself territory now gentlemen.

9. Wait in Line!

Order is stupid. Society's rigid requirements demand that I wait in this line instead of soiling myself. Lame. Why can't I just go where I please like my ancestors? Also lines at the grocery store are ridiculously long. My ice cream melts before I even bag it. The worst kind of lines though are at the movie theaters on the night of a "big" release. I know there is a room full of seats in there. I saw all the blokes from the previous showing come out a half hour ago! Are you telling me it takes a half hour or longer to sweep up popcorn? Let me in!

8. Expiration Dates

That's a classic. Every time I go to pour milk on my cereal, it's expired! Why do they put these on here? Should I feel bad about not drinking the milk on time? I think the jerks in the dairy industry date their products so that we will throw it out and buy more food. Does yogurt really ever expire? I've never seen bad yogurt. If yogurt sits in the fridge for 3 years and no one ever eats it did it really "go bad"? Things to consider.

7. No One To Play With

There are a load of good games out there. Cards, sports, video games, and things of that nature. Allot of the time though, no one around cares about your game. Or, the people around that care about the game are stupid jerks. Or they make fun of you for spending so much money on a hobby that requires friends, when you have none. No? You say you have loads of friends and they play games with you all the time? Oh. Looks like I have some issues to work out...

6. Pay Up

I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed, there aint nothing in this world for free. Excellent jam there. It illustrates a fine point though. Ever since cavemen started trading rabbit skins for crude wife disciplinary tools, the thought of money has been around. Everything cost something. This contrasts sharply with the human belief that "I should get everything for free". So when you get a parking ticket, a bank fee, repair bill, doctor's bill, or anything else a bit unexpected, your reaction to to cry like a baby. In the end though, you pay up. Else wise it's a ride on the collections train. Choo Choo!

5. Ignorant Morons Think Every Member of Queen Was Gay

Some people think they know everything. That is not always the case. They hear a Queen song and they know that Freddie Mercury was gay so they spout out, "Did you know everyone in Queen is gay?" What a chump. If I had a flea bite on my back end for every time I heard that I wouldn't be able to go on the tire swing without a special salve. Kinda like Freddie Mercury! Ha! Seriously though, 3 of the 4 members are not gay. So if you want to speak about something after the song, just say that they are the greatest band ever and then shut it.

4. Terrible Music Can Only Be Listened To Loudly

There are many kinds of garbage music, but more are sure to come. Country, Emo Pop, Punk, Rap, and pretty much anything released after the year 2,000 is total garbage. Unfortunately you cannot convince a person that their musical choice is rubbish. They would rather die than to admit what MTV is shoving down their ears is garbage. Sadly, they resort to playing the terrible music at high volumes. Louder doesn't mean better. If only they knew it was like farting in a crowded room. If you're going to put that crap out there, the more silent the better.

3. Aggressive Truck/SUV Drivers

Are you a contractor? Do you live on a cattle ranch? No? Then why do you drive that ridiculously large vehicle? Not only do the jerks who spend too much money on a vehicle they don't need take up more of the road, they drive them far too aggressively. I think these people need to have their heads examined. What makes them feel so entitled? Coming through! Seriously, one time I was in my car at the Drive-thru. This big ol' Suburban right in front of me just throws it in reverse and starts backing up. There was no eye contact involved. No hand gestures. Just entitlement. "My Suburban needs out. Make way!" On the way back to work to write this senseless material, some Explorer with a U-Haul trailer shoved me over into the right lane. No signal! Can't we spay/neuter these people?

2. "That" Guy

Why are there so many jerks in the world? Do they know they're jerks? At any social gathering or interaction there is always one around. Can you remember the last time you had a good time? Think of who was there. I'll bet that guy wasn't. Whether it's a extra competitive streak, an big fat gossipy mouth, a downer attitude, or a lack of social skills, idiots love to ruin a good time.

1. You're Wrong

Ha! When he tried to go for the fruit... Funny to me, and only me I guess. See? I'm wrong for liking Jar Jar Binks. So many different viewpoints and opinions, they can't all be right. Even those hippies with the "Coexist" bumper sticker disagree with other people. Being wrong is a fact of life, and probably the one thing that happens to us more than anything else. The trick to being wrong is also being defiant, belligerent, and ignorant. This will help you to take your wrongness to new levels and grow as an individual.