Glorching Gators: Played Out

Played Out Movie Cliches.

James Cameron's AVATAR just hit the billion dollar mark in ticket sales. As all can attest, all though being a fine film, the story didn't do any thing new. This day and age most movies are pretty, but entirely unoriginal. You will find even classic films are knockoffs of classic myths with new wrapping. Below are ten examples that stick out to me.

10. Outsider Joins The Tribe.

With Avatar fresh in mind let's consider this one first. It was done brilliantly in Dances With Wolves, but this hallmark of story telling can be seen elsewhere too. Han Solo makes nice with the Ewoks. Wolverine joins the X-Men. And although not in a movie, Hugh, a Borg, eventually comes around to being a friend Geordi. If you're watching a movie and there is a character that is different, and not a concrete villain, chances are they will join the good side.

9. Video Game Movies Suck

The greatest video games are often the ones that get the go ahead to be made into movies. However that doesn't mean they make great movies, the opposite is true. One of the worst offenders is pictured above. The Mario Bros. movie seems like it was written by one eyed chimps in a lab for rats. Add to the list movies like Doom, Resident Evil, Hitman, Street Fighter, Far Cry, and the pitiful Max Payne. If you played it first, chances are you'll hate the movie.

8. One Key Weakness

Fact: Characters only have one weakness/ vice/ vulnerability. It's to much work to have a character that is multifaceted and is affected by more than one thing. Superman has kryptonite. Frodo has the one ring. Luke Has the darkside. The Witch of the West has water. Achilles had his foot or whatever. Something. Oh man, I sure hope that weakness doesn't appear during the climax of the film. Wouldn't that add to the drama.

7. Bad Guys Never Miss

This one bugs everyone. Who are training these henchmen? They seem like they've handled a gun before, yet when it comes time to hit a target the get rubber arms or something. It's hard name all the movies that this cliche could apply to. The Die Hard movies, the James Bond Series, and Stormtroopers are some of the best examples. However, if I was going to award a trophy for Worst Shot Ever, it would have to go to Greedo in the Special Edition of A New Hope. He misses from like 2 meters away. That's why you don't go in and change something like that. You, and your character, look like idiots.

6. Ethnic partners.

I don't know how many times I've been pulled over and one of the cops is Chinese and the other is native American. Oh wait, yes I do. Zero times. That's how many. Starting sometimes in the late 70s, early 80s it became the standard to have at least one minority partner in all buddy cop movies. The most common is one black and one white, ala Lethal Weapon. However, it's not uncommon to see the Chinese plus black combo as seen in the Rush hour series. I just saw a trailer for a new buddy cop movie with Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan. Spoiler alert: Their racial differences cause some pretty hilarious outtakes.

5. Did You Learn Your Lesson?

It shouldn't take Marty 3 movies, 2 girlfriends, and one sweet time machine to figure out that he shouldn't race his brand new truck against a load of jerks. But it did. And so we have to sit through the last 15 minutes of the movie while they try to figure out the obvious. Of course your future is what you make it. Hey Doc, save it for a pamphlet and finish the movie right. Take that sweet train time machine and go run over the kids from Lean On Me, over and over. Other movies that shove their moral lessons down your throat include: Fern Gully, Sphere, Neverending Story, and though I haven't seen it, The Passion Of The Christ probably tries to drive a point home. Get it? Crucifiction jokes can be in poor taste.

4. Mentor Trains, Then Dies.

You know how it's said that you live longer if you have a job? I guess this cliche is kinda' like that. Once the mentor has passed on vital knowledge and training to the main character, what's their purpose? They don't have one. Obi Wan is probably the most lazy mentor. He dies, but makes a special appearance to pass the buck. Why doesn't he just ghost teach him? Or why doesn't he just tell Luke to have Yoda help him in the first place? Other movies with mentors that die include the Rocky movies, The Dark Crystal, Return of the Jedi, The Land Before Time, and *shock* Avatar when Sigourney Weaver dies. As a special note, the new cliche in movie mentors is to have the mentor not die, but to come back later as the bad guy. Like in Batman Begins.

Take this journey, Trek movies do it different, twice! Spock at the end of II give McCoy his brain, and Data gives B4 his brain right before he dies too. That's some solid mentoring and dying!

3. Boy, I Sure Hope I Don't Fall For The Girl I Made A Wager About.

Teen movies in the late 90's in themselves were a cliche. Each movie was the same story with new 25 year old meat bags pretending to be 17. One of the worst cliches in those movies occurred when a popular or hip guy makes a wager with his buds about a chick. Whether it's to make thick chick popular, or to have the chick have sex with you, it didn't matter. In the end the boy would fall for the girl, the girl would find out about the wager and become upset, they would work it out, and there would be a prom finale. She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You are the ones I remember, but I'm sure there are more. The new teen movie cliche is, "I'm a Vampire and your just a girl. I hope you don't love me or anything. I sure don't hope I take my shirt off."

2. Bad Guy Explains Plot, Then Fails.

Is there a villain in the movie? Then he'll give the plot away. Without fail, and usually it's right before the hero takes action. There could be a number of reasons for this. One could be that narrators are too expensive and it's cheaper to have the villain do it. Whatever the case it's a cliche that will not go away. Bond movies probably have the worst reputation for this, but my personal favorite is Return of The Jedi. "Your friends are walking into a trap." And then Ackbar is like, "It's a trap!!". Gee audience, do you think it was a trap? I sure hope Han ol' buddy don't let me down. See I told you they'd do it.

1. Rag-tag Group of Kids Win The Championship.

I like sports. I like kids. I hate movies with sports and kids. Every sports movie with children is the same. The equation goes like this:

a) The group of kids are regular, rag tag kids. They say funny things and like fart jokes.

b) Their coach is down on his luck.

c) Their competition is the best around and have better equipment.

d) They find a way to win.

Why do people pay to watch these movies? You know that's going to happen from the trailer! Mighty Ducks, The Big Green, Little Giants, Like Mike are all examples. There's even one where a dog overcomes the odds, Air Bud. Movies like these are insulting to kids.

BONUS ROUND

CLICHE I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF

Riding Around On a Luck Dragon To Get Revenge