It has been said that a man admits when he is wrong. That's rubbish. I have been giving the impression that I know everything for 25 years and it's worked out pretty well. It's time to come clean though. There are many things I don't know. There are also things that I don't know but pretend to know on a regular basis. These are those things. Feel free to throw me under the bus next time I pretend to know about them.
10. Car Engines
I know hardly anything about cars really, but the engine is especially confusing. Sure I may talk about liters of an engine, or the number of pistons, but I know nothing about them. For all I know there is an evil wizard inside commanding a legion of satanic followers in order to get the car down the road. I took shop in High School and I know the teacher told me how they worked, but I was too busy thinking about Star Wars books and viddy games. You know, important stuff.
9. Processors and Console Specs.
That picture is the inside of the Nintendo Wii. During arguments I may spout off specs about the components of the console. However, I have never so much as read a book about processors or any of the other electronic devices that make up a gaming console. I know so little about what takes place inside the machine it is hard for me to argue I know nothing about them. If you tell me my system is a piece of last gen over priced garbage however, I will swear by so many technical aspects it will make your head spin.
8. Classical Music.
With all the unbearable modern music out there the discerning man has little choice other than to revert and listen to symphonies from long ago. That being the case, my radio dial is often tuned to the classical music laden public radio station. Sure I know who Beethoven and Bach are, but that is the extent. If I pretend to know what song is playing, a Jr. High band student would be able to pick apart my diagnosis with a quick Google search. So, if I start talking about the difference between contemporary jazz and The Baroque, slap me in the face with an oboe.
7. Tatsonuko Vs. Capcom
This game, and by extension all Anime, is a mystery to me. Sure I know the Capcom fighters, but the other characters are a blank. So when the games come out I will play it and become familiar with their names. I may also even pick up on some of the histories of the characters. That way when you come over to play it, or talk with me about the game, I can pretend like I grew up in Tokyo watching the cartoons. If, or rather when this occurs feel free to slap me in the mouth and call me a liar. Be warned though, if you were able to prove me a liar you would in fact be admitting to watching anime and by extension classifying yourself as one of the most desperate, boring, and ridiculous individuals ever. Careful.
6. Anything Prior to Episode I.
Those who know me know I am a treasure trove of Star Wars related information. My collection of Star Wars toys mixed with my sad devotion to that ancient religion that has not helped me conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given me clairvoyance enough to find the Rebel's hidden fort... Sorry, something stuck in my throat. Anyway, while my knowledge is considerable it is also narrow minded and self serving. If you can't know where you're heading until you know where you've been I'm in trouble. I've never read the Tales of the Jedi comics, never played the Knights of the Old Republic games, and I've never read a Darth Bane book. So there you are. My nerd Achilles heal. Ask me about something from those eras, await my response, call me a liar and usurp the throne in true Sith style.
5. Batman Comics
I like Batman. He's my favorite super hero. Over the years you find yourself defending your favorite super hero. If one was to base his entire affinity for said super hero solely on the motion pictures and cartoons he has seen, what kind of fan would they be? A shoddy one. So, in order to defend the Bat I will from time to time reference the comic books. I never read/buy comic books. Who has the time? Sure I have a couple Batman comics, and the excellent Jim Lee Hush graphic novels, but other than that I have no idea what Batman is up to. I like the cartoons. I like the movies. That's not good enough for some, so I lie about reading a load of Batman comics. Don't judge me unless you have read the comic pictured above. "We haven't done a horse theme yet have we? Nope? Let's do that." Only 21 issues in too. Jump that shark Batman.
4. Old Movies
Fact: There are no good movies prior to 1977. Call me a whipper snapper if you like, but it's true. Deluded movie watchers love to spout out names like Citizen Cane and Lawrence of Arabia. They do so out of rote and not out of actuality. I find myself doing this as well sometimes. Pretending to know what the plot of Gone With the Wind was, talking about Hitchcock movies, or saying how funny Danny Kaye is are things I may do from time to time. While Danny Kaye is funny, I don't watch old movies. What kind of authority am I? if I start talking about Marylin Monroe, Fred Astaire, or Audrey Hepburn you know I'm full of crap. By the way, Alec Guiness was in The Bridge On The River Kwai. He's Obi Wan you know.
3. Economics (Banking).
The above chart confounds me. I have no idea what significance it has. You may be wondering, "Why would Crouch be pretending to know about economics". I will tell you friend. You see I work at a bank, albeit through a temp agency. Frequently I have customers that want to talk about IRA's, Certificates, interest rates, and other rubbish I've never concerned myself with before. Note to consumers : Just because you call a bank and someone answers the phone, does not mean you should take financial guidance from them. I don't call the Roseburg Sanitary Authority and ask them how to wipe. So when it comes to change your LLC into a sole proprietorship, you may ask me, but don't be surprised when your business goes under.
2. Why Dr Pepper Taste So Good.
Some things are hard to explain. That doesn't mean I won't take a stab at it. For years I've been saying that Dr Pepper is the nectar of the gods sent to us by the Olympian deity Tastyus. While that may not be correct, I am going to live my life by that misbelief. It would be easy to call me out on this one, much like belittling a child that believes in the tooth fairy. Or belittling a grown man that goes to see The Tooth Fairy because he has a man crush on a certain wrestler. I digress. Dr. Pepper is tasty, and I pretend that it is is of divine origin. Leave me alone about it.
1. Human Body Functions
I've been operating one for sometime now. When you see me blow my nose or dart for the bathroom as I clutch my stomach, you would think I know what's going on. Sure I may come out of the bathroom confident that the transaction took place in a normal, safe, and effective manner, but what assurance do I have. I took a health class, but at the time I was more concerned with why Yoda only had 3 fingers than why or how my own body digested food. So when some one asks me how I am feeling I pretend to know. I may have super human abilities or I may be HIV positive. I have no way to know. A fear of doctors and a general cringing at the sight of anything remotely medical has led to a severe lack of knowledge on my part. So after I abuse my body with a significant portion of rice, beans, and enchiladas I pretend to know what cause the smell. Another ride on the Pepto highway for this glorch.
No comments:
Post a Comment