Indepth Review - Apple Ipad

iPad? More Like The "Why Pad".

Good lord in heaven. Here we are at the next juncture of technological evolution. As a very important journalist, Apple sent me an iPad just yesterday. Joy. The talk around town is that this item is going to revolutionize the world. No longer will we need paper. No, we will all have an electronic tablet to carry with us to jot down notes, run applications, browse the Internet, and play games. Hmmmm, not to be too cynical but I believe such a product already exists. It's called a laptop. Only a laptop is much more powerful, has more ability, and is much more reasonably priced. All the gaming websites I've visited within the last 24 hours are harping on the possibilities of the new device for gaming. What a laugh! iPhone games are all that will be played on the iPad and everyone knows how gimmicky those are. Let's get down to the review. Here's what it looks like...


Yes, those are my perfectly manicured man hands. The secret is lotion. Lots and lots of lotion.

Price - WiFi only model: 16GB $499, 32GB $599, 64GB $699.
WiFi AND 3G model: 16GB $629, 32GB $729, 64GB $829

On amazon.com HP Pavilion DV6-1354US 15.6-Inch Black Laptop goes for $700. It connects to the Internet. It plays movies. It plays games and music as well. It is also light weight and has a 500 GB hard drive! That's a lot more than 64. Are people really so stupid as to pay the same price for an inferior product that is the latest fad. Probably.

Features -

It's an iPhone or Ipod touch super sized. That's it. So, instead of grabbing your phone out of you pocket, and discreetly going to http://glorchinggators.blogspot.com/ to read the latest genius, You have to schlep this tricorder on steroids around. I don't know where a reasonable man would keep such an item. A briefcase? Who carries around a brief case? Nobody. This item is mad to sit on your coffee table as an amusement. It's like an expensive book.



Conclusion -

This product is made for only the most ignorant consumers and for people with loads and loads of money. Frankly I don't know where they come up with this garbage. I think some Apple kronie just thought, "Hey, iPad sounds like iPod. We can make a pad that looks just like a pod and it will be catchy. We'll sell thousands!". They probably will sell thousands. However, most the people I know have the discernment to recognize a useless laptop without a key board when they see one.

Glorch Games

Games I Want To See.

I am tired of going to ign.com everyday and waiting all year for E3 to hear about what games are coming out. Instead,I have listed 5 game that I want to see come out within the next couple years. Make it happen gaming lords!

Rogue Squadron - New Jedi Order Style



First of all I want to see a Rogue Squadron game on Wii. With Motion + I can use the Wii mote like a X-wing control stick. Secondly I want a Star Wars game post return of the Jedi. Please and thank you.

Leeption's Adventure



Yes. This 16 bit throw back with have my boy Leeption slicing up baddies with his thunder claws. He will also bite and lick to get points. Milk and tuna will be power ups and there will be a mini game between levels where he plays with his ball with a bell in it. I want this on the virtual console by May.

Han & Chewie



What a no brainer! Note to Luacas Arts: There are more than just Jedi and star fighters in the Star Wars series. How about an open world smuggling game that explores Han and Chewie's excellent origins story? Please! Do it!

Sweetler's Starfish Challenge



This game will be geared for a younger audience. It will be a nifty puzzle game where The Sweetler collects different starfish, and then arranges them in tide pools. Different shapes and colors match to score points. Fun!

Bender's Game



This game is named after the mediocre straight to DVD Futurama movie. Everyone wants to be like Bender, and this 8-bit adventure will give them that chance. Smoke, Drink, Gamble, Steal, Overindulge, and generally be a jerk to get ahead in this game.

Now Showing

Movies To Glorch To.

Here we are. The top 10 movies to glorch to. Before you grab your popcorn with all of the Star Wars movies, fear not. I have allotted only one spot for a Star Wars movie, else wise it would have to be a Top 15, and I don't have time for that. I have to get to glorching sometime today.

10. Back To The Future - Part II



The Back to the Future trilogy is one of the finest in modern cinema. The idea of time travel just does something to my brain. I like to sit and think about what kind of paradox I might find myself in if I had a flux capacitor and a stainless steel sports car. The second Back to the Future movie is my favorite because it takes us into the future, back to a fowled up present, and then back to the 1950's. That's why, like a cat poop flavored Tootsie Pop, the middle bit is the best. Not to say I and III are cat poop. They are very good too.

9. The NeverEnding Story



It's hard to think about this movie without thinking about that 80's pop song to go along with it. Never Eding Stooory. Wahoo Wahoo Wahoooo... Lihmal's only hit in the states I'm afraid. How shocking. Anyways, this movie is a classic on all fronts. The main message of the film is that kids need to let go of their dead mothers and read a load of books. The creatures and effects in this movie were as good as they came, and if you ask me, much better than any CG I've seen today. Warner Bros. Pictures is coming out with a remake of the tale by 2012. I guess we'll see if a CG Falcor is better than a huge puppet.

8. Star Trek - First Contact



Generations was a good Star Trek movie, but it's insistence on tying the original story into the Next Generation's time line bogged down the story. First Contact is the best Star Trek movie, yes even better than that shiny new one. For starters, the Enterprise-E was introduced in this movie. This Sovereign-class starship was no slouch, as the borg soon found out. Speaking of those hive minded, insatiable, adaptable enemies are the best ones in the Alpha quadrant, but have only been used once in the films. Sure Picard's hatred for the borg mimics Kirk's hatred for the Klingons in III and VI, but so what. Patrick Stewart is the best actor to ever wear a Starfleet uniform, and he carries the movie. You broke your little ship.

7. Open Range



Some would say that Unforgiven is the best western ever. I thin Unforgiven is a very good western, but Open Range is my favorite. A good western doesn't get too complicated. Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall are just a couple cowboys who are moving cattle through an area controlled by some mean Irish dude who doesn't want to share his grass. Costner, who also does a bang up job of directing, handles his business after that mean Irish guy has his goons kill his friend and his dog. In the vein of the shoot out at the OK Coral, Duvall and Costner eventually kill every last bad guy in the small town. Tasty 1870's justice.

6. Batman



When I first saw The Dark Knight I was blown away. It was an awesome movie with good actors and a good story. Sadly, you can only watch that movie so many times before you get sick of it. The Batman released in 1989 and directed by Tim Burton is much deeper in my opinion. Sure Nicholson's take on the Joker is not as serious nor as sinister as the late Ledger's was, but the Joker aint a serious guy. More than anything, the industrial Gotham City sets of Burton's pictures feel more like Gotham than the slick Chicago based sets of the modern pictures. Sadly the 125 minute abortion known as Batman and Robin left such a sour taste in peoples mouths, many have not gone back to anything before Batman Begins. Which is too bad, because both of the films directed by Burton stand up beautifully.

5. Dumb and Dumber



Easily the funniest and most quotable movie of all time. Unappreciated in it's simplistic genius, the story of Harry and Lloyd traveling across the country to give a girl her briefcase is Jim Carry's funniest movie. Too many comedies try to give their characters some semblance of intelligent thought. By having Harry and Lloyd be complete idiots, the hilarity is uncaged and so are the outlandish situations. If you quote a line from this movie and the person next to you doesn't run with it, disown that individual. Stuff. What kind of "stuff" Lloyd? Oh, A few baseball cards, a sack of marbles *clears throte* Petey.

4. Raiders of the Lost Ark



Before Indiana Jones came along, a lot of the movies were artsy movies and focused on story and camera angles. Raiders of the Lost Ark focused in on adventure! George Lucas' story pulled in elements from the archaeological competitive nature during the early 1900's and the story of the greatest treasure ever; The Ark of the Covenant. Sure the majority of the methods used by Jones would never really be employed by an archaeologist, but that would be boring. The first Indiana Jones movie is the best, but they are all tasty movies to glorch to.

3. Jurassic Park



Previous to Jurassic Park, dinosaurs in cinema were portrayed as sluggish monsters. Typically they would come out of the jungle to box in slow motion with King Kong. Dumb. This Sci-Fi thriller based on the book by the great Michael Crichton, is the first movie to do dinosaurs well. They are not sluggish and their tales do not drag on the ground. If you were stuck at dark, in the rain, in a car while a hungry Tyrannosaur was around you would pee in your pants. This movie made sure you knew that. Too it carried with it the theory of the book, not that of genetic engineering, but rather that all complex systems are subject to chaos. As I sit at my desk munching on Sour Cream and Onion tater chips like Nedry, I can't help but feel like part of the problem.

2. Labyrinth


The finest moment in cinematic history is not Citizen Kane. It is David Bowie's crotch in spandex surrounded by puppets. All kidding aside, if your going to glorch to a movie you would be hard pressed to find a film more suited for such activity than Labyrinth. Mix Jim Henson's genius puppetering with an excelent score from David Bowie. Something about this movie puts the viewer in a coma. Present day if there were a movie whee an androgynous man who kidnapped babies, parents might be hesitant to let their kids watch it. The movie puts me to sleep before I even get to the Magic Dance song. It's like a perfect bedtime story.

1. Star Wars Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back.



Duh. The perfect movie. Empire is the best movie ever, and by extension the best sequel ever. This sequel, more than any other, took a group of established characters and expanded upon their stories and developed them even further. The locations in Empire are ridiculously diverse as are the special effects. A snow battle with Imperial walkers. A chase through an asteroid field. A wise old muppet jedi. A clash between two characters with the biggest revelation in motion picture history. This movie has it all. If I had to rank the Star Wars Movies it would go thus-

Strikes Back
New Hope
Return of the Jedi
Phantom Menace
Revenge of the Sith
Attack of the Clones

They are all great though. So there we are. Good movies one and all. Watch them. Or don't. I don't care. Peace!

Second Look Review.

Star Wars: The Clone Wars






The first season of this show, and that "movie" by extension, hit me with mixed feelings. I liked the fact that there was more Star Wars to be had, but the story line and some of the inconsistencies bothered me. Here we are, half way through the second season and I have to say I am impressed. I find myself enjoying each episode, where I once thought I could do with out it. Let's talk about why.

Big Ships and Space Battles.

On an HDTV the backgrounds and capital ships of The Clone Wars look excellent. Part of my apprehension in regards to this show was all the merchandise out there looked dumb. The cartoony effects, I don't think, relate to toys and shirts. However on a TV screen, in motion, they don't look half bad. The ships always are shown at dynamic angles and move in a manner reminiscent to the movie's ships. The only problem I have with the ships is that there is a discrepancy between damage taken and damage dealt. Sometimes a small ship can take two hit from a turbo laser while a large ship can be disables by a couple shots from a star fighter. Lazy.


Obi Wan's Leadership.







The voice actor that plays Obi Wan does a bang-up job of mimicking Ewan McGreggor's voice. Obi Wan in the cartoon sticks very closely to the attitude and abilities of his motion picture counter part. That's a good thing. The best part of Obi's inclusion however, is how he ditches Anakin in favor of his own elite Clone Trooper squad. Obi Wan leads the squad in search of General Greivous. True, we all know he doesn't catch up and dispatch him until Episode III, but it's fun to watch.


Less Anakin






For starters the animated Anakin looks nothing like Hayden Crappensten. That's a 4,000 point bonus right there. While some episodes focus on him, alot of them do not. What a pleasure! Anakin's whiny nature bothers us all. The fact that he has a padawan is painful in it self, as he is not a Jedi Master. Add to that his border line crush on Asoka, and his rubbish tutelage technique , Anakin's cartoon counterpart is almost as painful to watch as Hayden Christhe'stryingtoactagain's. Good thing the episodes depart from his story arch every once in a while.

Clone Troopers



These guys are bad. They are also not portrayed as weak or stupid. Rather many of the troopers have their own personality's and history's. Some of the best episodes focus on them. I like captain Rex and Commander Cody. There is even an episode with a dessert er clone who has a family.

Asoka.



Though she looks like a teenage cliche idiot character, and sometimes is, Asoka actually is more bearable than I thought at first. I hate the way Anakin calls her Snips and she calls him... Whatever it is she calls him. However, it's nice to have a padawan on the show. In my opinion they should have put her under a different master, but what can you do.

Scum and Villiany



In my opinion something the prequels sorely lacked were good non-jedi powerful characters. Jango Fett was all right, but his suit was too shiny. The bounty hunters and scum included in the cartoon go a long way to diversify the stories. They are very violent and mouthy, given they are in a cartoon. Just right.

Minor Characters From the Movies Get Larger Roles.



Characters like Jocasta Nu and Kit Fisto are barely explored in the movies. They are great characters too. The cartoon includes them frequently and tastefully. Many of the jedi have episodes that focus on them exclusively.

All in all I think the Clone Wars cartoons are great filler until we get a live action show. I hope to the Lord that they ditch this over exposed story line soon. A CG show post Return of the Jedi would make my day. I bet Mark Hamill needs the voice acting work and it aint hard to fake Han Solo's voice. Please.

Super Bowl Picks

Star Wars Pick 'Em

The Super Bowl is a couple of weeks from now and a number of "experts" are making their picks. Don't listen to them. Before you go to your bookie or plan that trip to Vegas with the family's nest egg, take Crouch's advice. Base your decisions on Star Wars. Who are the teams?


From the NFC South, appearing in their first ever Super Bowl...

The New Orleans Saints!



And from the AFC South, winners of the 2006 Super Bowl the...

Indianapolis (is that how you spell it?) Colts!






Let's base our picks on Star Wars look-a-likes!

Drew Brees = Han Solo!



That unkempt 70's looking mop on Brees looks a lot like the one on a certain Corellian smuggler. Just like Solo, Brees has a good blaster at his side and aint afraid to use it. Will winning the Super Bowl be as easy as dusting crops, or will Brees be floating home?

Reggie Bush = Lando Calrissian



Ok sure, he doesn't have a fine mustache, and he's not the administrator of the facility, but Reggie Bush is African American and he does have an affinity for the ladies. His celebrity and panache have gone along way to help his less that glorious NFL career seem greater than it is. Someone must have told the Saints organization about his little maneuver at the Battle of the Rosebowl.

Payton Manning = Ki Adi Mundi



Payton Manning is one ugly white guy with a huge forehead. Fortunately for the Colts, that unusually shaped dome is full of football knowledge. The Colts will have to rely on his Jedi like instincts if they hope to win in Miami.

Piere (?) Garcon = Jar Jar Binks



I'm not sure if that's how you spell his first name, but this receiver has had some Gungan like luck this season. The ball just seems to fall into his hands, just like a booma would fall into Bink's hands and destroy a battle droid. Garcon holding up the Haitian flag after the game reminds us of the fight Jar Jar was involved with on Naboo.

So Who Wins?

The Saints!!!!!!!



After Commissioner Goodell (sp) initiates Order 66, Ki Adi Mundi and his lucky Gungan won't have a chance. Han and Calrissian will make short work of them shortly after. After all "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid."

I have the Saints winning 34-21.

Get Ahead At Work

How To Get Ahead @ Work

This Glorch knows something about success. Although I have long since retired, I remember what it took to amass the huge fortune I have today. Before retiring to my yacht I wasn't a particularly hard working man. Rather than rely on the sweat of my brow or the faculties of the mind, I used tricks of the trade to climb the corporate ladder to greatness. Now that I am out of the rat race and enjoying retirement on my private island i will let you in on my secrets. Here we go.

10. Shiny Shoes.



A must for any one who wants to some day be a big wig. Shiny shoes force onlookers to look down. Unknowingly bowing down before you, these onlookers will be duped into believing you are above them. I recommend using a bucket of Iguana spit and a terry towel. While the Iguana spit doesn't come cheap, I believe the results will speak for themselves. Cheers.

9. Sick Kids


Let's face it, you'll want to skip work from time to time. Whether you need to skip work to go binge drinking or need to skip work because of binge drinking doesn't matter. When you call in sick because of your own illness, this will hinder your rise to the top. However, if you call in sick because of a sick child it changes matters. Instead of the irresponsible alcoholic that you are, you will be perceived as a loving parent. Even if you don't have children, pretend that you do. It is the ticket to a little time off, without the judgmental results.

8. Breath Mints.

Would you keep a litter box in your cubicle? No? Then why would you keep one in your mouth. After going to the buffet for lunch grab some breath mints. Force a healthy amount of them into your gulliver before returning to work. Excellent. Now instead of smelling like the avocado sausage special salad, you will smell like wintergreen. Very good. Word to the wise: Keep belching to a minimum. Belches draw there stench from the gut and are not masked by the topical effect of a breath mint.

7. Clear Plastic Binders.



Any real employee knows nothing about the subject of their labor. That's fine. With a clear plastic binder you won't need to. One percent of impressing your boss is content and the other ninetey nine percent is presentation. By presenting your inferior data or opinions in a clear plastic binder you will give the appearance of professionalism and diligence. Bats aren't bugs.

6. Energy Supplements.

A sleepy worker is an ineffective worker. Cigarettes used to be acceptable at work, but now due to some crazy statement by the surgeon general, cigarette users are seen as dirty addicts who don't care about their health. There is a solution. You can now abuse your body with any number of energy drinks. Combining as many as possible during your 8 hour shift will make you alert and focused. Don't worry about your health. Your body has a number of filtration organs that sift out the bad parts so you get only the good. Drink up!

5. Corporate Smile.

Nobody likes a guy that mopes around the office all day. Sure you didn't want to come to work today, no one did. A fun part of being at a labor camp is to have a smile contest. Whoever smiles the most wins! The winner will have an ecstatic look on their face all day long. The only way to tell that said individual is not on vacation is to look into the eyes and seek out the repressed sorrow and misery. This smile is essential during interviews with supervisors with bad news for you. No raise or benefits for you? Great! Super! Grand! You'll get there buddy. In the meanwhile be sure to use these fabulous Joker products.

4. A Good Place To Hide Your Boogers.

So important. Vital really. I personally kept my mound of nostril gold in an old coffee can in my bottom desk drawer. Where ever you pick (get it) is fine, but be sure that it is out of sight. A very popular choice is directly under the desk, but be cautious. Once the pillar of phlegm begins to take shape, it may become visible to onlookers. Instead why not use that old empty chap stick tube. Once the tube becomes full of compacted boogers, you can give it to your boss as a gift. Bosses love gifts.

3. Have A Prior Relationship With The Boss.

The first part of getting ahead is to break the ice with the boss. Having an established relationship with the boss can go a long way to give you an edge over the other employees. While being family, fellow church members, or neighbors can be effective, the most effective previous relationship would have to be drinking buddies. If your boss used to tip back Grandpa's Old Cough Syrup with you, think of the black mail you will be able to use! If it's ever time for disciplinary action you will be able to avoid any kind of sanction. Just hope you don't get a new boss anytime during your stay.

2. No Emotion.

As any Vulcan knows, emotion is for the weak. Evil Spock knows this even more so. The main part of business is the bottom line. Granny had a hard attack so you couldn't pay that bill on time? Too bad. Little Johnny has autism so he broke his DS? Pay for the repair. You want me to reverse your fees and donate it to the relief efforts in Haiti? No. Bad things happen to good people and the jerks get lucky. Deal with it. I'm running a business here. Did you see a sign outside that said "Red Cross"? No? Then cough up those dollars and shut your pie hole.

1. Suck Up To Your Superiors.

The most important rule. Face it, no matter how smart, clever, efficient, or good looking you think you are your boss still views you as a pawn. A means to an end. No more than a dog. And if a dag ever bites you, it has to be put down. Everyone else in the office is showering the superiors with praise and congratulation on a regular basis. If you are the only chum in the house that doesn't, you will be the first to go. So no matter how menial the task give, do it with alacrity. No matter how insulting the discipline, accept it as you would a basket full of money. And for the love of god, compliment your bosses clothes. "Nice tie sir". "Excellent slacks sir." "That broach is the nicest piece of jewelry I've ever seen ma'am".

If you follow the above steps to the letter you might be as successful as me one day. What an accomplishment that shall be. Good luck.

Crouch's Cellar : Abusing the Laws of Science

Crouch's Cellar

Like the arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.


Today's Subject: Crouch Makeover!!!

"Since all these things are thus to be dissolved, what sort of persons ought YOU to be in holy acts of conduct and deeds of godly devotion?" 2 Peter 3:11

Indeed. Let's take this scriptural counsel, and transform into an unholy union of science and animal testing. We will attempt to transform our beloved writer into a conglomeration of all of the ridiculous things he enjoys. So our needed tools today will be a pair of sewing shears, 5"hose clamps, industrial strength cement adhesive, 10 pound mending cord, and a measure of skin from Crouch's buttocks for skin grafts. I'll give you a moment to gather those things. Ready? Here we go!

Feet - Deinonychus Feet

We will remove Crouch's regular flat footed excuses for chimp feet. The big toes does not even oppose. The Deinonychus claw will make him much more agile. In addition to agility the new foot will also be used as an effective weapon for gutting prey and itching swollen parasite bites. Crouch's monthly visit to the podiatrist should prove interesting. Don't get too close Doc.

Legs - Mario's Legs

Crouch's legs are stubby, worthless, and pale excuses for limbs. While Mario's legs are stubby as well, they will give Crouch an improved leaping ability. Every one knows what a lethal combination Mario has made out of jumping and landing, and Crouch will use this ability to his advantage. At long last he will be able to reach the sweets his wife hides on the top shelf. Glory. Sweet, sweet glory.

Torso - Star Fleet Officer

Ah, yes. The first duty of every Star Fleet officer is to look good in a Star Fleet uniform. We'll throw the sweet ones from the Next Generation movies on him. Maybe the yellow... Lieutenant Commander... Yeah, yeah, that's hot.

Arms - Chris Redfield

Nothing makes a man look good like a pair of over sized, unnatural appearing, steroid induced biceps. I know just the pair. Chris Redfield seems to have been bench pressing condominiums in his spare time between the last couple games he was in. Look at the size of those meet hooks. Let's staple a pair of those right above the shoulder. Nice. Crouch will be able to lift anything now.

Hands - Emperor Palpatine's Hands

They say idle hands are the devil's workshop. Let's give Crouch a Sith Lord's hands just to be ironic. With these lightning shooting murder mits, Crouch will be sure to make many pay for their lack of vision. Good. Goooood. Word to the wise: If he come up to you and asks you to pull his finger, don't do it.

Eyes - Cyclops' Visor

You can see the soul through the eyes. Since our creation will be a soulless creation of terror, why bother? Let's give him those radio-active mutant eyes of Cyclops. We'll throw that visor on to so that he doesn't freak out and blow a hole in a Middle School. With these powerful tools Crouch will be able to dissect others with his laser vision whenever he chooses. He will also be able to toast a bagel with out a toaster.

Hair - Superman's Hair

We're talking about the Christopher Reeve Hair here, gentlemen. If you saw Superman IV you know how strong and durable this hair is. The fact that the hair looks like the mane of the God's doesn't hurt either. If Crouch gets bored of looking super fine (get it?), he can always clone himself a legion of inferior Supermen. Before doing so he may want to make sure he has enough limited budget 80's special effects to go along with them.

So there we have it. Crouch has been manufactured into the ultimate creature. What sort of person ought we to be? I'll show you!!!



GIVE HIM LIFE!!!!!!!!

You're Welcome.

Short Help's Better Than No Help At All

10 Best Sidekicks In The World, Ever.

It's hard to find good help these days. Imagine if your friends followed you around and actually helped you, instead of being hindering fools. You could achieve much greater heights than you could ever imagine! Below are 10 of my favorite sidekicks. Don't bother looking for Robin. He's a great sidekick and all, but that would be too easy.

10. Jar Jar Binks.

Settle down fan boy. There are allot of Jar Jar haters out there. As far as I'm concerned they can all eat a bag of eopie droppings. Jar Jar Binks did allot to help his Jedi friends in the movies. Without his, albeit naive, uniting attitude the planet of Naboo would have been controlled by the Trade Federation for who knows how long. Also, wasn't it Jar Jar that proposed to create a grand army of the republic. Sure the grand army via order 66 massacred hundreds of innocents, but before that they killed allot of droids. All in part, thanks to my boy Jar Jar.

9. Scottie Pippen.

In all of sports there is are no sidekicks like Scottie Pippen. Before Scottie there were no sidekicks. It was all about the team or some garbage before that. Jordan was like Superman. It made Pippen seem like Batman by comparison. That's a fin analogy too. While Pippen didn't have the super powers like Jordan, he had a keen mind for the game and tools like a 7'3" wing span. It has been argued that the Bulls would not have had as many championships with out Pippen. It's true. Jordan was the greatest, but he wouldn't have had the level of success he had, without number 33.

8. Short-Round.

Rarely has such character design included both a Yankee's ball cap and severe racial stereotyping. From his poor syntax to his terrible driving, this young Asian man really fills the mold. Why is he such a great side kick? I'll tell you why. What if Indy went into that mine by himself? He would have had to kick the crap out of a kid. Now I know Temple of Doom had a little extra gravy, and even warranted a new PG-13 rating, but Indiana Jones beating up a child wouldn't fly with most audiences. Our vintage baseball caps go off to you Short Round. Way to save the day. Don't Worry Dr. Jones, I no touch nothing!

7. Brian Griffin

As pictured above Brian is meant to be Peter's primary sidekick. This point is driven home in episodes like the one where James Woods takes Brians place. However, perhaps due to Brian's unnatural desire for Peter's wife, Brian is more often Stewie's side kick. Let's face it Brian is the straight man. The straight man's job is to make the funny guy funnier. Stewie is funnier than Peter and Brian helps him to be so. I love it when Stewie plays off Brian. A fine example can be found in the latest season. "Did you hear all that noise last night. I swear to god, it sounded like someone had an accident, and maybe someone got hurt."

6. Kit Cloudkicker.

Flying a sweet cargo plane like the Sea Duck isn't all fun and games. There are pirates like Don Carnage out there that are after all of you precious cargo. What a convenience then, it is to have a kid like Kit Cloudkicker on board. While Balloo flies the plane, Kit launches himself out the back hatch on a boomerang like sky surfing board. While on the board he causes all sorts of trouble for pursuing pirates. While not being a deterrent of pirates, Kit doubles as the voice of reason. While Balloo may think it's a good idea to go to Louie's and get hammered before a mission, Kit will let him know that may not be cool with Rebecca. Good looking out Kit.

5. Yoshi.

Rarely has a side kick changed the gameplay of a video game like Yoshi affected Super Mario World. Shigeru Miyamoto wanted to have Mario ride a dinosaur in the first Super Mario Bros. game, but the technical ability was not there. So when it came time to develop the flagship title for the SNES, Nintendo introduced Yoshi. The first world had Yoshi in it, and it was awesome. You could do so much more with Yoshi. He ate stuff, he made you fly differently, he could walk on spinys, and the different colored shells and Yoshi's had different abilities to help you beat the tougher levels. Having a blue Yoshi felt like cheating. A few years later Yoshi's Island made him the main character of a fantastic game. A trivial role in the Super Mario Sunshine game had some Yoshi fans wondering about his future, but his reprisal in Super Mario Galaxy 2 looks to re-cement Yoshi as an integral feature in a Mario platformer.

4. R2-D2

Sure the Star Wars saga is about the Skywalkers. While you're focused on Anakin and Luke, it's obvious R2 has a special place in George Lucas' vision. At least once in each film some one gets stuck in a hopeless scenario. Who comes to save the day? The extraordinary astromech, R2D2, that's who. He saves the ship with Obi-Wan and Padme in Episode I. He makes up for sleeping while worms crawl on Padme by saving her from a lava bath a bit later in Episode II. Early on in Episode III R2 saves Anakin and Obi Wan from certain death in an elevator, and then lights some battle droids on fire. In A New Hope, he saves the day early and often. He brings the stolen Death Star plans to the rebel base and shuts down all the garbage mashers on the detention level. He's at it again in Strikes Back when, after the told Lando they fixed it, R2-D2 repairs the Millennium Falcon's hyper drive. His last feat in the motion pictures includes having an integral role in the teams escape from Jabba's palace. I wish I could salute R2 and have him shoot me a lightsaber. Sigh...

3. Little John.

Probably the oldest side kick in literature, save Aaron to Moses. Little John is this high on the list because of his classic archetype that spawned a thousand side kick. Every witty diminutive hero needs a big, fat, strong helper. That's where Little John came in. Sure Robin Hood could shoot a bow and arrow with healthy accuracy, but it was Little John that took care of the villains when they got in close. Too, surely he deserves a spot in the annuls of side kicks for dressing up as a female fortune teller in the Disney movie. "Solis gold hub caps!" Not only was Disney presenting children with a cross dressing anthropomorphisized bear, they also hinted that Little John, an obviously black character, liked to steal hub caps. The shame.

2. Bender

A great sidekick always ends up stealing the spotlight from the main characters. Everyone knows Bender is good at stealing. Futurama was a decent show the first year. It didn't become a fan loved classic however until they let Bender loose. In the subsequent seasons Bender becomes more and more irreverent and rude. What a joy it is to watch Bender smoke and drink while he tells everyone to bite his shiny metal posterior. If Bender were to read this blog he would call me a meat bag and ask who I was calling a sidekick. Bender also marks the first time a Mexican character was portrayed with such elegance and class. Comedy Central has commissioned another season of Futurama, and it will give me great joy to watch the debauched robot once again.

1. Chewbacca

Who else? This wonderful wookiee is the best side kick ever. It has been said that man's best friend is a dog. Not so. A seven foot dog with an affinity for bowcasters and an ability to pilot a space freighter is man's best friend. As Han Solo can attest, Chewbacca was and is the most loyal side kick to walk in a galaxy far far away. At a young age Han Solo saved Chewbacca from being executed by Imperial officers. By saving the slave Han was kicked out of the Imperial Navy. According to Chewbacca's belief system he owed Han his life, and so a bond was formed based on a life debt. While Han did not initially want Chewbacca hanging around, after the first time Chewie saved Han's neck in a bar fight with a barabel, they were rarely seen separate. Chewie played an integral role in the fight against the Empire. It was he that convinced Han to return to the Battle of Yavin. Of course they blew that thing and went home shortly after that. Chewbacca stayed by Han's side until his dying day, when he saved Han and his family at Sernpidal. A statue of Chewbacca was erected on Kashyyk shortly after that. Not good enough for me. Some friends and I are headed to Mount Rushmore this summer. Come with us and bring your chisels.