Top 10 Reasons to Marry Hamby

Top 10 Reasons to Marry Hamby

The week of the unholiest of unions is upon us friends and soon the tie that binds will be firmly clamped to the Hambone's neck. In observance of this event I have compiled a list of 10 reasons why this action is a good move on any lady's part. As a side note, I tried to think of 11, but my brain started to hurt after 8. Here's the list and the order of the list that it's in;

10. Pest Control

Nobody likes bugs, and no bugs like Jame's choice of music. The same can be said of rats, roaches, possums, and certain breeds of small children. This can be useful as maintaining a house hold is hard enough with out the threat of pests. If you see any bugs or rodents, just make a grab for any of Jame's 1,000 of CDs. The sounds that emit from the likes of Aaron Lewis' mouth will scare them away, or drive them to suicide. Win.

9. Undying Love for Sonic

Some snooty chicks would say a devotion to the mascot of a failed video game hardware company would be a bad thing. Untrue. Marriage is about staying together "for better or for worse". There is no greater example of this than Sonic and his dismal games. Just like is the case with many marriages, things start off great and everything is fine. A couples years into things however things go down the tubes. It takes a special kind of man to put up with such garbage and still have a love for the main character. So even if as you get older your arms get long and stupid and your games are clunky and poorly conceived, James will still love you.

8. The Ride

A real lady knows how to be transported in style. Look no further than this '89 Camry. This is a stock image of the vehicle, but be assured Hamby's unit has alot of upgrades that make the ride worth your time. Do you like yard sales? This vehicle has everything you would want to see at a yard sale. Grab an item from the back and make Hamby an offer. Also you will find a plenitude of theocratic materials scattered through out for all of your spiritual needs. Finally if you get thirsty, reach under the seat. There is a 97.3% chance you will retrieve a Mt Dew. 73.9% chance it will be a half drank liter of Code Red.

7. Fashion Sense (Or Lack Thereof)

Having people come up to you and want to talk is a pain. A large pain. Hanging out with Hamby solves this problem the majority of the time. His choice of clothing can be so unsavory that many people, whether they know you or not, will avoid you. This is a major convenience when grocery shopping, going to a sporting event, or just walking around in public. Don't worry, you can still dress appropriately, Hamby's Wrestling shirt under a Hawaiian shirt coupled with tight shorts is sure to be the first thing any potential Stop and Chatters see.

6. Move Some Stuff.

Women like to rearrange things. Funny thing is many women lack the strength to accomplish this feat on their own. That's where Hamby comes in. He ain't as strong as he might look, but he is as big as most dressers and knows how to use his size. So if you want the kitchen table in the dining room, or want the couch moved to the patio Hamby is set to do it for you. Just plan a week in advance. He will need that amount of time to procrastinate.

5. Economy Boost

Lone wolf Hamby has no honey do list. He doesn't fix faucets, whittle wood, drive screws, change oil, or anything else popularized by Tim Allen on the dismal Home Improvement. So prepare to have a fund to pay all manner of plumbers, handy men, carpenters, executive assistants, and circus freaks. Unless Sony comes out with a Man Chores game on Ps3 those will be your only option to repair or improve anything that doesn't have a screw on cap and a label that reads 80 proof.

4. He Didn't Kill His Wife.

An overlooked compatibility issue for sure. Hamby hasn't had a wife, ergo he hasn't killed one. Having said that, Hamby also is a baby and couldn't take the sight of blood. His only option to kill his spouse then, would be poison. Stay away from anti freeze colored Gatorade and you should make it.

3. Bowser Rage

A key feature of having a husband is the protector aspect. What will you do if you are trapped with a mugger in an ally and your husband is the only guy around? Will he save you? In Hamby's case all you need is a "Smash Ball". Begin to insult his mother, Spiderman, Sonic, Snake, Wrestling, and Lake Tahoe and he will go into a Bowser Rage! I fell sorry for the attacker that Hamby mistakes for the story writer who helmed Spiderman 3.

2. He Thinks Wrasslin' is Real

This is a biggy. On it's own belief such as this would be an immediate sign not to marry said individual. However when you break it down psychologically it becomes a key aspect to any prospective mate. Think about it, if you ever want to embezzle the family's finances, cheat on your spouse, or start an expensive and debilitating drug habit, a gullible mate helps. There is no more gullible fashion of man than a Wrasslin Fan. If a man believes a steroided up high school drop out that runs around in his underwear constantly gets beat up and hits with chairs only to come back next Monday at Eight, Nine Central for another beating, then he will believe anything that comes out of your mouth.

1. Life Insurance.

Hamby has it. I've watched enough Snapped to know that eventually every wife wants to murder their husband. They come up with alot of creative methods of accomplishing this, but one factor remains the same. Life insurance money. You have it and your wife wants it. Whether it's to finance a vacation with another man or to pad a gambling addiction, women love cash. I don't know how much you'll get if you knock off Hamby, but depending on how many times he tells you to get in the kitchen and make him a sandwich, you may not care.