Like the arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.
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Today's Subject:
Hamby's Replacement
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And it misleads those who dwell on the earth, because of the signs that were granted it to perform in the sight of the wild beast, while it tells those who dwell on the earth to make an image to the wild beast that had the sword-stroke and yet revived. And there was granted it to give breath to the image of the wild beast, so that the image of the wild beast should both speak and cause to be killed all those who would not in any way worship the image of the wild beast. (Revelation 13:14,15)
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In what manner are we misapplying scripture today? Well, friends, in continued observance of Hamby Week I have decided to put my gross disregard for scientific ethics to use on his behalf. No doubt after the honey moon is over Hamby will have had his fill of lovey-dove notions and return to his true form; reading comic books, playing viddies, idolizing wrestlers, and other sorts of Hamby things. He will be quite unable to accomplish this with a needy wife around. So instead of getting rid of the wife, I will create a bionically engineered replacement Hamby. All James need do is flick a switch on the robotic sin against The Lord and he will be in business.
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Here are the fictional specifications of the project-
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Face-
How can we replicate the face of our little angel? Easy. Silly Putty and lots of it. We will grab a Neanderthals skull from a local musem and slab the Silly Putty to it. After building up the features we will hold the putty in place with a generous layer of rubber cement. Next we will fashion a wig and eyebrows from brown possum hair. The wig should lie flat and the brows should be expressive and bushy. Complete the head with a set of laser fitted horse eyes and a cows tongue and teeth.
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Abdomen-
This procedure will be easier than the last. Make your way to a crane machine filled with toys. Specifically a crane machine with a large Big Bird stuffed animal. Spend as many dollars as are necessary to bag the bird. After winning the stuffed animal, remove the arms, head, and iconic legs. Perfect. Throw some half torn dress shirt on him and you're done.
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Arms-
Tricky part here fellas. The right arm will take work, but it is a necessary feature of le creature. Start by burglarizing a local hobby shop. Grab all the servos and fancy robotic equipment you can find. You should be able to create a metal arm by eye-balling a picture of C3P0 and an image of the Terminator when it is all shot up. Hands are hard. Don't worry about it. Hamby only uses his right for one thing. Adhere a fork to the arm with a bolt and be done with it. For the left arm go to the zoo with a hack saw and borrow an arm from a sloth. Perfect.
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Legs & Feet
This is where I make a scientific advance for the greater good of mankind. You know those ridiculously tight green shorts Hamby wears? Right, the ones that leave little to the imagination and stay up about as well as an old lady that took some Tylenol Pm and is driving on the freeway. Now this is a major advancement in garment mechanics, but I have devised a leather strap that fits around the waste. A buckle on the end of the strap fits through holes in the other end to securely hold any manner of pants or shorts to the individual.
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For the left leg use what's left of the robotic equipment. This leg should be shooed with Wolverine's boot. Very good. For the right leg, rip a leg off of The Hulk. Make sure to enrage him so you can reap that nice green beefy leg. Shoe this leg one of Sonic's shoes and be done with it.
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Excellent work team. We have built Hamby a perfect replacement for when he needs to stray from his husbandly duties. As a side note the bionic man does take twenty seven AAA batteries. Tell Hamby where to stick them and make sure he knows that he will have to purchase them to operate the creature.
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I almost forgot..... GIVE HIM LIFE!!!
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