Cracking jokes is fun. Whether it's a humorous observation or a structured anecdote about another individuals mother, jokes are always a good time. Having said that, there are some places where you should keep your jesting in check. The world is full of sensitive fools that are easy to offend, and will let you know. This will negate your joke telling effects and make you look like an insensitive chowder head. Let's have a look.
10. Knighting Ceremony
Everyone knows The Queen loves a good laugh. Heck, at times she even employed a jester to crack jokes before the court on a regular basis. However, at your knighting ceremony you may want to stow the kidding around. For one thing a knighting is a great honor and a somber occasion. If you start talking about a Rabi and a Priest going into a bar, you will look unappreciative of the honor and she may decide to dub you Sir Jack Hole. The second, and more important, reason has to do with the long sharp object she has pointed in the vicinity of your squire neck. One goof and she may laugh so hard she slits your throat. More likely however your joke about the Queen Mother will enrage her and she will slice your bloody head clean off.
9. Traffic Stop
Does it smell like bacon in here? No, it's a Cardigan, but thanks for asking. Whatever your reasoning for trying to be funny around the cops is, stop it. Cops aren't funny guy. I don't care how many times you've watched Police Academy, Reno 911, or Super Troopers. Keep all thoughts about the individual with the beating staff and tazer on the straight an narrow. Anything you say will be taken in the most literal sense. If you say "It's not like I have a garbage bag of meth in the trunk" to the officer he is going to look in the trunk and you are going to get a fat ticket. If you say "My third wife left me for a cop so I keep a shotgun in me bum at all times" your cavities are going to be invaded and your going to jail for threatening an officer of the law.
8. Intervention
Nothing brings a family together like a nasty addiction. Unlike other family gatherings however, this is not the time to talk about how when Billy was little he used to eat the cats food and ride the dog like a horsey. Because now he's eating the cat's food and smoking crack like he's riding a horsey. So after all your other family members have given tear filled, heart wrenching testimonies about the effects of addiction, take a moment to gather yourself. Instead of quoting lines from Caddyshack, tell your drug ridden family member to go to treatment. After he gets out of rehab you can call him "Cracky the Crackosaurus" all you want.
7. Executioner
You have been given the solemn duty to put state convicted criminals to death. Don't talk to the victim at all. Don't size his neck up with a noose while you make choking faces. Don't buy a novelty rubber axe for the first wack. Do not pretend to flip the electric switch 5 times before actually switching it. Do not pretend to get the injection needles switched up, and for god's sake don't give them cutsey labels. The last thing the victim wants to see is that you have labeled the sodium thiopental "Fat Man" and the pancuronium bromide "Little Boy". Death bed humor mixed with nuclear holocaust references are in very poor taste.
6. Ultrasound Technician
I know that you had to have special training for this position and that the job involves a warm squishy gliding agent, but use tact. Do not pretend like what you're seeing on the screen is an alien fetus festering in the mother's womb. Try not to tell the pregnant woman that there really isn't any baby and she is just fat. On the flip side try your best to hold in your laughter as you inform that fat lady that there is no baby and she has just wasted her money and your time.
5. Funeral Ceremony
I don't care if the deceased was a green blooded son of a Sarek. Show some repect.
4. Game's Ending
Dear 1989 Nintendo Game Design Team,
Mario 3 is a GREAT game. Do you really feel it is necessary/appropriate to have the ending to the third game be a reference to the most overused/stupid bit from the first game? I don't know if there are intricacies in Japanese humor that I am missing out on, but I see the ending as being a slap to the face. I mean I had to leave the NES on overnight in order to beat the game without using warp whistles. Then I finally trick Bowser into using his own weight to kill himself and Toadstool cracks a joke about being in another castle! Party foul!
Regards,
Glorch.
3. State of the Union Address
The Russians are threatening to blow us off the face of the earth! Only kidding. While I personally would find it humorous to have the 1st African American to treat the State of the Union like a Chris Rock HBO special, the majority of Americans look to the address to be a stoic reflection of the direction of the nation. So I guess Obama should rip up that transcript of Richard Pryor's stand up special and stick to talking about boring economics and military endeavors.
2. Proctologist Visit
If you have the flu it's perfectly fine to crack jokes with your doctor. Jokes about being terrible at golf certainly go over with toity doctors, so load up with them. However if you tell the same jokes while getting your prostate examined they will all back fire. Either there will be an awkward silence or the Dr. will fire a joke right back at you! He will compare your nethers to a torn up green, or he may compare certain parts of you to being "large as a golf ball" or "as heavy as a 9 iron". These are things obviously to avoid, so keep it professional at the proctologist's.
1. Bridge of a Star Destroyer
Ooooh man. While joking at other inappropriate occasions may get you in a little trouble, this one will cost you your rank and your life. If Darth Vader is running the ship don't smile. Do not underestimate the rebels ability's to inhabit an ice covered planet. Don't come out of light speed to quickly. And for goodness sake do not crack jokes of any kind within earshot of the Dark Lord of the Sith. I wouldn't even crack jokes in the same sector. He's got the force, man! I was just thinking of a way to joke about how Anakin can build 3p0 and a podracer, but the Japor snippet he gave Padme looks like a kindergarten project. I think it would.... chgh... chhg... I'm choking! Chg... Can't breath.. gag. *thud*
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