If I Can't Have You...

Hamby's Top 10 - Next Wife In Line

"If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby", is not a lyric in Hamby's head. In anticipation of catastrophic numptual failure, I have compiled a list of Hamby's brides to be if things go under. Apologies to Shannon, who will go into a jealous rage upon seeing the list. The truth hurts.

10. Any Available Game Console



After being dumped, Hamby will soon turn to a woman he's had his hands all over for sometime. Whether it the young PS3 or the older and more experienced Sega Genesis, Hamby will find comfort in her familiar controls and first party games. Two problems with this course of action; 1. Finding an ordained minister to marry him to inanimate object.
2. Getting the wedding ring to fit around the A button.

9. Socko



Hamby's love for Socko, while it does not rival my own, is strong. While he'll be on the rebound looking for comfort in the paws of a familiar friend, he's going to have a heck of a time getting consent from the Cat's father. Hands off, Nancy boy.

8. Female Embodiment of a Big Mac




I can see Hollywood stealing my idea on this one. Hamby, upset and driven to madness over the death of his spouse experiments on the application of making a woman out of 2 all beef patties with lettuce, pickles, onions and special sauce on sesame seed buns. Hamby would then shortly marry the sin of modern science in a private ceremony at the Garden Valley drive thru.

7. Meryl

On to the more realistic realm of fictional character in Japanese tactical stealth action games. Meryl is by no means a typical video game "babe'", but she has it where it counts. From an incoherent place in the plot, to a half romance with the main character, all the way to a wedding to a guy who craps his pants, Meryl's role as a love interest is... odd. Hamby will hope her marriage to the digestivley challenged Akiba is short lived and move in for the love kill. Nice CQC Hamby. Nice CQC.

6. Aunt Jemima

The quickest way to Hamby's heart is through his tummy. Literally. His stomach is 3.5 centimeters from the outer wall of his heart. Starved for affection Hamby will move in on the syrup mogul who also specialises in all sorts of tasty and un-nutritional breakfast plates. Once married Jemima will trade in her patented plaid apron for one with a picture of Triple H on it.

5. Laura Croft

Ah yes, the misogynistic choice finally arrives. A babe from his youth, Hamby will approach her with his arms open and his thumbs on the L1 button. The nostalgic Hamby will go for the earlier incarnation of Croft, and enjoy a 32 bit polygonal relationship.

4. Mt Dew Machine

Pretty self explanatory. He likes soda. So he marries a soda machine. Ha. Ha. Ha.

3. Mary Jane

This one's even more self explanatory than the first, but we'll go into it anyhow. Hamby L O V E S Spider man. The main squeeze of Spidey is Mary Jane. I don't know which incarnation of Mary that Hamby would go for, but I think he'd take what he could get. Maybe there would be an awkward dinner where they could invite Peter Parker to. Hamby would be drooling over Parker, not his new wife. Awkward.

2. This Girl

I googled "Sonic Girl", and this is what I got. Don't tell me Hamby wouldn't go for this. I don't know what kind of trauma this chick underwent as a child, but I'm sure it was severe. I can see it all being revealed slowly on a TV drama. She started wearing the gloves after her father hit her and made the suit after her brother got hit by a truck. I don't know how it relates to dressing up as Sonic, but I don't get paid the big bucks to write Law & Order either. Whatever her issues Hamby will take the baggage in stride.

1. The Rock

Hamby's #1 choice. Depending on the Rocks preferences and the laws governing same sex marriage in the State of Oregon, this one may happen soon, or may take a while. Whatever the case, Hamby will wait as long as required to cement their bond. Again I find myself doing Hollywood's work and coming up these great ideas. A young boy gets a sex-change operation to marry his child hood hero, but has to fight the laws of God/Science/State if Oregon to realize his dreams. Or maybe the wrestler makes the change... Either way if this is the plot for The Wrestler 2, let me know and I will sue the tails off of the studio.