Glorch Leage : Alpha Mission

The Abysmal League of Glorch's

and the Scepter of Power.

Once formed the League needed to establish headquarters. Weasel dwelled on a hill overlooking the city. It was agreed they would use his rental for a base of operation. The official headquarters was based in the shed outside of his home, but the shed was old and not insulated. For those reasons team meetings often moved inside. Things started off slow. The team was so talented criminals in the area were no match for them. In fact all the team did was play video games.

Meanwhile deep in the city an unknown villain lurked. When I saw deep I mean about a block away, and when I say lurked I mean sat on his couch. None the less this villain, unknown to The League at the time, meant great harm to the city. This villain's name was Le Chump.

While playing the newest, and greatest game they had ever played the league laughed and drank beer. Spirits were high. Unknown to them an ancient scepter controlled the content of all games. In order for some games to be good, a good portion had to be rubbish. This scepter controlled that balance. The scepter was formed in Tokyo in the late 70's and had been held safely there in a vault. Each year the major video game makers would open the vault and activate the scepter's powers. The scepter would reveal to them the correct balance and they would develop their game accordingly.

A month ago Le Chump, with his unnatural athletic abilities and limited knowledge of Japanese vaults, stole the scepter and brought it back to Oregon. On his couch he examined the scepter in order to unlock it's secrets. The scepter was not heavy. It was about a meter long with a hollow bottom. The head of the scepter consisted of a decorated finial and a Sonic the Hedgehog doll. There were no buttons, and no clues as to how to activate the scepter. Le Chump pondered. He pondered and pondered, and then it came to him. If one solitary thing represented how great and yet how garbage video games could be, it was Sonic the Hedgehog. Using made up technology and fictional science, Le Chump welded a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog for Sega Genesis to the base of the staff. He also attached a copy of the Sonic the Hedgehog game for XBOX 360 to the top of the staff. It was complete.

In order to activate the staff's power Le Chump had to do Sonic's patented Spin Jump. Fortunately Le Chump loved to flip and had a trampoline in his back yard. He waited until nightfall and then set his plan in motion.

This was the very evening The League had began to play the newest, most entertaining, highly regarded video game of the year. The multiplayer action was fast and furious. All member played, except for the Smarmy Bullet. His upbringing in the forest did not lend itself to video games. So he remained on the porch as a sentinel, his sniper rifle in hand. It was quiet for a time, and then Swarms heard a number of cries from the living room. He rushed in to find the rest of The League grimacing in pain, their controllers lay on the floor beside them. He asked what was wrong. Acerbic Avenger spoke first;

"This game reminds me of a dump I took 3 weeks ago after trying Taco Bell's 5-layer burrito"

Weasel cried out next, "No kidding! This game was so good and now it is terrible!". Specs added,"The frame rate was fine, but then the graphics started to blink on and off!". Brutal Mist added the final comment, " Me love games, but this one no good no more!"

Justin, or Smarmy Bullet, examined the situation and then stepped back outside. Through the trees he could see a bright light coming from a near by house. He brought his sniper's scope to his eye and he saw it. Some red-headed goon was jumping on a trampoline, flipping end over end. The bright light came from a golden scepter the man had in his hand. He turned to go into the house and gave the team the news. Everyone agreed it was time to suit up and investigate.

Cory had modified his 4 door sedan into the team's ride. The only modification he had yet to add was to have the car's tires shoot flames when the vehicle reached 88 miles per hour. A trivial modification, but specs was pleased by it. The Acerbic Avenger was able to test the cars new ability within the 3 block they traveled. It worked. Weasel, sitting in the back and in the middle feared for his life as David took the corners at unreasonable speeds. Once arriving at their destination, the Avenger explained that the gem had made him a more aggressive driver and apologized to the team.

The night's breeze blew on Weasel's bare legs as the team made their way to the back yard where the crazed man jumped with the staff. Specs modified a stun grenade to track a leaping target and handed it to Smarms. Smarms aimed for the goon and fired. Weasel got out a bottle of Misty Mountain and held it to Jame's nose. He transformed into the Brutal Mist as the Acerbic Avenger gave the order to go and detain the now stunned goon. The Mist jogged, not ran but jogged, over to the fallen target and held him down as the rest of the team gathered around him. Weasel got down on his hands and knees and sniffed the suspect.

"He smells like sweat and chicken, but He's unarmed", said Weasel. Specs picked up the staff off the ground. He looked at it and had a good idea of what it was. He unfolded his portable PC and brought up some information on the net. As the suspect still lay stunned under BM's weight, the team anxiously waited for an explanation.

"It's the Scepter of Power", explained Cory. "What you see here is a mythic item thought to be used for years by the leaders of video game developers. It has been used to balance the amount of great games to come out over the years". Brutal Mist gave a look of puzzlement, "Why is my boy Sonic on that staff, and what does this have to do with our game? Mist want answers!!!"

"Calm yourself Mist!", shouted the Acerbic Avenger, "Specs is it possible that this mystery goon has used this staff to affect our game, and maybe even all the games in the world?" Specs explained that that was not only possible, but was in fact what was happening. The team felt that it was time for answers. Specs modified a bullet with an adrenaline epoxy and gave it to Smarms. Smarms shot the red-headed villain in the bum. The villain woke up with such force that Mist flew into the air and landed on the trampoline. The suddenly awake villain charged at Smarms. Smarms reached for his shotgun but was too slow. He flew backwards and was knocked out cold. The red headed menace turned his attention to Weasel and Specs and AA hid behind a large tree.

They watched as Weasel ran circles around the enraged man. The man would not give up the pursuit and they watched as it continued. Specs said, "You know David, your abilities are kind of worthless to the team. Here, I've made this for you. Throw it over your shoulder and attach it to the gem". The Avenger took the belt like device and did as he was instructed. "Well, a fat lot of help this is..." As soon as those words left Acid's mouth a herd of holographic fat women appeared in front of him. The holographic herd headed toward Weasel and his attacker. Weasel lept away as the fat women clobbered the villain. After he lay on the ground, again unconscious, the herd dissipated. "How was that possible?", asked the Avenger. "Simple", said Specs, " I analyzed that gem and found that it's ability's would allow for a holographic representation of your insults to become manifest. Simply activate the gem, think of something snide, repeat it and the belt will do the rest." Acerbic Avenger paused. "If they are holograms, how did they bull over that man?" Specs put his palm to his face. "It's like the Holodeck, Cerb. It's like the Holodeck."

That evening The League had the villain, who identified himself as "Le Chump", arrested and locked away. Specs and Weasel were able to disassemble the staff and restore balance to the world of video games. Smarms spent a night in the hospital, but was able to score a date with a hot nurse before his stay was over. James reverted from his Mist form and awoke on that trampoline 2 days later with a headache. He dreamed of Sonic and large women. In the end the team was flown out to Japan where they restored to the vault and received medals from Sony and Nintendo. Everything was grand until David said the Japanese all looked happy little gerbils. Although the hologram only lasted a few minutes, the team were sent home and asked not to return.

END!

Glorch League Origins

The Abysmal League of Glorch's

Origin: The Least Weasel


The least weasel is the smallest member of the Mustela, or weasel, family. Typical features of the least weasel are a long snout, long torso, and stubby limbs. Imagine if a man was raised by such a creature...

Deep in the forests of Oregon there was a small valley. In this small meadow there was a sizable least weasel population. One fateful afternoon a charter plane was traveling over the meadow. Prior to arriving over the meadow a tragedy had stricken the plane. The pilot had died and it was in a tail spin. The only passenger was a young man, his name was Jared. He was traveling back home from a field trip. Unlike the other twenty five students in his 3rd grade class, Jared had not gotten on the bus to return home. While the other students were boarding the bus, Jared was in the restroom, sitting on the toilet, and playing his Game Boy. Not surprisingly that is what Jared was doing when the pilot died. Desensitized from video games and television Jared calmly put on a parachute and jump out. He landed in the meadow as the plane crashed and burned into a hill side. His landing was a bit rough. Jared realized in horror that his Game Boy screen had cracked and had broken.

His fortunes did turn around however. A weasel family had recently had a litter of baby weasels and Jared was brought into the fold. Jared looked kind of like a weasel with his stubby arms and big nose. He lived in the valley with the weasels for ten years. There he learned how to hunt by tiring out his prey. He learned how to move like a weasel. He learned how to be cunning like a weasel, and yes he also learned to love like a weasel. Even though his love for his weasel family was strong, on his twentieth birthday Jared left the meadow and headed toward the city.

Jared found it hard to fit in with normal society. The mocked his stature and gawked at his stench. His family had taken him in and taught him how to groom himself once again. His family tried to educate him as to math and school subjects, but Jared's weasel attention span prevented him from retaining that sort of thing. He did however take to watching movies and catching up on new video games. He couldn't get a job, so for years he caught up on the movies and television shows he had missed out on while living with the weasels. He also played hours upon hours worth of video games. The stories and the experiences sunk deep into his weasel mind.

About 5 years after joining civilized society Jared finally got a job. He answered the phone for a local canned fruit agency. He dreaded the work and the forced schedule, but he need money. Soon Jared moved out and got his own place. He even took a wife, Gizzle. The Gizzle taught him many things such as the way of glorching. He would glorch for hours after returning home from work. One evening, while glorching, Jared was watching the news and saw that a bank had been robbed. Something clicked in his mind. Based on his experiences with movies and video games Jared decided to become a crime fighter. The gizzle indulged his fantasy and made him a costume. He took on the moniker "The Least Weasel" and set off to fight crime.

As it would happen his speed and quickness assisted him only little. Criminals had guns and were always a step ahead of him. Jared thought back to his time with his weasel family. They would hunt rabbits and small prey as a team. Only as a team would they be able to tire out and catch their prey. And so it began. Jared scoured the city for potential team members. He started with what he lacked the most; size and strength. he found a big fat guy who transformed into a beast after sniffing whiskey. He then needed tools for the job. He found a local technological genius who could build anything. He needed fire power. He found a paranoid guy who had just got out of jail that had enough fire arms to supply a small country's army. Then he realized he needed a leader. Jared was a team player, but no leader. The team's formation would have to wait.

The team of four pondered over which would be the leader for weeks. No one really wanted to lead. Jared was too small. Cory was still a bit bashful. Justin had a criminal record. Every one knew James lacked the cognitive capacity to be the leader. So they did the only thing they could think of. They went to the store to buy some booze.

There at the store the stumbled upon a man on the beer isle. The man looked nice enough, but had obviously not slept in days. He looked too young to be crazy, but was shouting at his chest. The team felt they had to help the young man. As they approached him they found his chest was indeed talking back. The man, David, explained his problem with the alien technology that was grafted to his skin. Jared explained Cory may be able to help. They returned to the Glorch Lair to see what could be done. While Cory was able to deactivate the device, he was not able to remove it from David's body. He also built David a device to regulate the device.

And so it was that the Abysmal League of Glorch's was founded.

David took the name "Acerbic Avenger"
Justin was called "Smarmy Bullet"
James was the "Brutal Mist"
They called Cory "Specs"
and Jared shortened his title to "Weasel".

Glorch League Origins

The Abysmal League of Glorch's

Origin: The Acerbic Avenger

David, a man in his mid twenties, was a simple man. Polite and gracious, he found work at a local bank. David, single, had a very strict regiment. He would wake up two hours early and start coffee each morning. He would then iron his outfit for the day. After showering and shaving he would have a wholesome breakfast and head off to work. Always at least twenty minutes early, David was well thought of at his place of employment. All in all, some would call him boring and predictable. That soon would change.

One evening David was romancing a young lady in the park. The skies were clear and there was a meteor shower. The evening became uneventful as the young lady informed David she liked a man that was less rigid and more adventuresome. Dejected, David walked the young lady home and began to walk back to his appartment. The quickest way home was to go back through the park. It was late and the park was no longer lit. Even so the stars and moon provided him with enough light to make his way. The meteor showers were all but over but David could see some shooting stars here and there. On was particularly brilliant. It grew more and more brilliant as it descended. David swore it was coming closer to him. He peered closer and grew more and more excited as it became clear that the object was indeed falling to earth.

David's excitement nearly climaxed as he witnessed the object crash to earth, no more than 50 feet away from him. David raced toward the brush where the object had landed. He could see it's red glow. His mind began to contemplate what the best investment strategy would be after he sold the glowing asteroid. Surely he would find a buyer. David cleared the brush surrounding the object and immediately gasped in awe. The object was no asteroid or meteor that he had ever seen. Rather it was clearly a gem, encased on some sort of golden casing. It's red glow emanated from within. David bent down to pick it up.

As soon as David touched the item, the gem became animated and floated in the air. David stood up and took a step back. Then the gem began to speak. Without going into detail I can let you know the gem belittled David and identified itself as a novelty gift of an advanced alien race. David braved another onslaught of slurs and insults to find out what the devices purpose was. The gem informed him that in order to let go of their inhabitions and have a good time. Apparently his former owner had lost his inhibitions to the point that he fired the gem into the stars via a quantum plasma cannon. After some more insults and sarcastic comments the item warned David to leave him alone, as he did not know how his technology would bind with inferior human DNA.

David thought a moment. He had really liked the young woman he had taken out earlier, and although he enjoyed his structured life, he reasoned if he ever wanted to be happy he was going to have to take some chances. Without another thought David snatched the gem out of the air and demanded to know how to operate him. With much protest and vulgar speech the gem finally told David to hold his gold plated side to his bare chest. David did. David stood back, temporarily blinded as the gem bonded itself to him. Once the episode was ever David opened his eyes. He felt right. Relaxed, and yet irritated. The item began to taunt him, but David buttoned up his shirt and put on a coat to muffle his warnings.

Looking at his watch David could see it was half past twelve. Not too late for love. He marched back to the home of the young lady. David knocked on the door and the young woman came down in her pajamas. She looked at him confused and asked what was the matter. David pointed to his pants and recited a lude limerick. Needless to say the lady slammed the door in his face and David went home, dejected. He was late for work the next day. He was also sent home early. He would tell customers how he really felt, and would only address his workmates with sarcastic responses and rude gestures. David went home and tried to remove the device. This proved impossible. So that's where David is now. Sitting on his couch arguing with an alien gem, trying to figure out how to put his life back together.

Glorch League Origins

The Abysmal League of Glorch's

Origin: Specs

Cory was a curious young boy. As a toddler he took his Viewmaster apart in order to figure out how the images of Oscar the Grouch were being displayed. Once he learned how to read, he would pick up the manuals for all manner of things in the house. The vacuum, the radio, the TV, air conditioner, and anything else he could find. In school he took all the mechanical/technical electives that were offered and passed each class with flying colors. By the end of High School Cory had an advanced knowledge of how most things worked.

Amazing as his accomplishments in the technological field were, Cory had one issue. He was mute from birth. He couldn't speak, and was often thought of as a lesser individual. Scorned by many and driven to depression, Cory dismissed his affinity for technology and drifted away into the obscurity of a full time job.

Five years after graduating and working his dead end job Cory had accrued enough vacation time to take a trip to Las Vegas. Glad to get out of town, Cory made many stops on his journey. As a spur of the moment thing he also too a left turn on Highway 95 and headed to Area 51. Certainly always impressed by the mythical stories of the military base, Cory thought it would be fun to see how close he could get to the infamous test facility.

Not very. Just outside of the base his car lost control. Panicked, Cory tried his best to steer the vehicle or to control it's speed. He could not stop it from careening off the road and into the desert. The car gained speed and bumped along the unpaved sand. Already bewildered, Cory was even more surprised when the sun in the sky blackened and his car became airborne. As the car rose steadily upward in a vertical arc, it was clear he was being abducted.

Aboard the ship Cory was surprised to fine none of the typical things he had seen on TV and in movies. The room he and his car were in was furnished with satins and linens, couches and chairs. If not for the previous experience he would have thought he was in a 1920's opium den. However the illusion of being within a normal terrestrial environment soon vanished. A small creature, no more than four feet tall, came into the room from an adjacent door. He hobbled over to Cory's car. Cory locked the door. The being produced a small device and held it up against the door. The car's doors denigrated, and Cory passed out.

Upon waking up Cory found him self in luxurious surroundings. The being was sitting in a recliner across from him and was fiddling about with the GPS system from Cory's car. Cory was very surprised when he voiced his protest. For the first time in his life he had spoken. The being explained later that he had repaired his voice box. He also revealed that he was awed at how primitive human technology has continued to be. He also told Cory he was dying. He had been waiting years to find the right person to bestow a gift upon. He explained that although he didn't think Cory was the deserving one he had been searching for, he was out of options. He bestowed upon Cory the ability's to analyze technology by looking at, and to build future technologies. His hope was that humans would evolve beyond primitive technologies.

The alien passed away before he could share all of his technology and desires, but Cory was changed non the less. He could speak and he indeed had new abilities. Instead of continuing his vacation, Cory used what scrap metal he could find in the desert to turn his car into a flying machine. He made it back to Oregon in time to go back to work. In the past couple weeks he has been pondering what to do with his new found abilities. Oh, and he talks a lot now too.

Glorch League Origins

The Abysmal League of Glorch's

Origin: The Smarmy Bullet "Smarms"

Smarmy –adjective,smarm·i·er, smarm·i·est.
excessively or unctuously flattering, ingratiating, servile, etc.

In the mountains of the northwestern part of The United States there was a family that lived in a self enforced exile. Deep in the forest they had built a cabin. A paranoid family, they gave birth to a young man. His name was Justin. The family was armed to the teeth with all manor of weapons. Pistols, machine guns, shotguns, and explosive launchers, they had them all. Justin was taken with the weapons from an early age. He would hunt deer and small birds and had become an expert marksman by the age nine.

Though they lived in the woods, they were not an uncivil family. Justin's mother was a former aid to the Royal Family in England, and taught her children the finest of manners from an early age. Justin would always say please and thank you. He would practice all manner of formalities with carved analogs made of wood. Needless to say he was always smiling, and even on his worst days never impolite.

Tragically the government found out that the family was living in the woods. They sent out representatives of the Census Bureau to the secluded cabin. The paranoid family panicked at the site of the visitors. Justin, the youngest, was hidden in a tunnel while the rest of the family took up arms. Oddly enough the representatives of the Census Bureau brought weapons with them and as soon as they reached the cabin a bloody duel broke out. Only Justin survived.

Scorned and full of grief, Justin took what supplies he could find and made his way into the city. There he got an apartment and a job as a welder. Knowing nothing else but munitions and politeness, Justin plotted his revenge on the government. Not knowing much of the modern legal system, Justin's initial plot ended up in his incarceration. One charges of public indecency and seven counts of bringing a firearm into a Post Office were brought against him. However due to his exemplary manner and diplomatic skill set, he was able to get a reduced sentence of 1 year with probation. He gets out of the county jail tomorrow.

Glorch League Origins

The Abysmal League of Glorch's.
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Origin: The Brutal Mist.
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`````On the outskirts of a quiet Canadian town there lived a scientist. This scientist had become mad some time ago and had been experimenting on various species of primates. His specific research centered on the area of the brain that caused rage. He had taken several samples of the medulla oblongata and made a special serum that he would administer to the animals. Upon receiving the serum the animals would become angry and expel rage from themselves until death. The Humane Society of Canada shortly found out about his sick experiments and made their way to his lab to besiege him. Besieged, the crazy scientist escaped. Desperate, and wanting to ensure his life's work, he made his way next door to a local whiskey distillery. Cornered by the animal activists, he dumped the serum into a whiskey bottle. The scientist was captured shortly thereafter and imprisoned.

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`````The whiskey company, Misty Mountain LLC, was unaware of the contamination the scientist had caused. So a case of Misty Mountain Whiskey was sent out unassumingly to a liquor store in Roseburg, Oregon. An unassuming employee stocked the contaminated bottle on the store shelf. Later that week an unassuming fool named James Hamby walked into that very liquor store. A large man in his mid 20's, James was looking for something to lift his spirits for cheap. A wrassler he was fond of had recently lost a match and he was in a fowl mood. The Misty Mountain was priced right at $7.99 a bottle. Hamby purchased the contaminated whiskey and went home. Foolishly he finished the bottle, and the serum, in one night.

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`````The next day James awoke with a sore belly and a headache. He dressed, sloppily, and headed off to work. He took care of his stomach ache on his first break, a ritual 15 minute visit to the employee restroom, and went back to work. His headache dissipated over the course of the day. Upon returning home James was in a good mood and feeling better. Then he saw it, the empty bottle of Misty Mountain on the counter. It taunted him, flooded his mind with regret. He would throw the bottle out, and put it out of his memory. As he picked up the bottle a strange urge came over him. He wanted to sniff the contents of the empty bottle. He slowly brought the bottle's opening closer and closer to his nose. Once it was there Hamby breathed in and gave the bottle a good sniff.

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`````He immediately dropped the bottle to the ground and became perfectly still. Then he began to shudder. The scent if the whiskey was in all of his senses. He could taste it. He could feel it. He could even hear it! It sounded like a primal drum beat. It made him angry. Very angry. Hamby's whole body trembled with rage as he was transformed. His muscles grew a little and his hair grew long. Spikes shot out from his shoulder blades and he hunched over. He tore through his home and out in to the streets. He hit things and shouted gibberish. Children ran and women cried. He ended up by the river as the rage subsided and he returned to normal. All told the rage lasted maybe an hour. Damages to the city amounted in $3,457.79. Hamby was never identified as the unknown menace. He went home and destroyed the whiskey bottle. Even to this day his rage is suppressed.

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30 Years of Pulling Ears Off Gundarks.

Strikes Back Turns 30

The Empire of Strikes was released on May, 21, 1980. Truly the greatest movie E.V.E.R. In observance I have disregarded copyright law and scoured the interwebs for 30 images of Strikes Back posters and related images. Here they are in no discernible order.



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May The Force Be With You!

Not Funny!

10 Occasions Not to Crack Jokes At.

Cracking jokes is fun. Whether it's a humorous observation or a structured anecdote about another individuals mother, jokes are always a good time. Having said that, there are some places where you should keep your jesting in check. The world is full of sensitive fools that are easy to offend, and will let you know. This will negate your joke telling effects and make you look like an insensitive chowder head. Let's have a look.

10. Knighting Ceremony



Everyone knows The Queen loves a good laugh. Heck, at times she even employed a jester to crack jokes before the court on a regular basis. However, at your knighting ceremony you may want to stow the kidding around. For one thing a knighting is a great honor and a somber occasion. If you start talking about a Rabi and a Priest going into a bar, you will look unappreciative of the honor and she may decide to dub you Sir Jack Hole. The second, and more important, reason has to do with the long sharp object she has pointed in the vicinity of your squire neck. One goof and she may laugh so hard she slits your throat. More likely however your joke about the Queen Mother will enrage her and she will slice your bloody head clean off.

9. Traffic Stop



Does it smell like bacon in here? No, it's a Cardigan, but thanks for asking. Whatever your reasoning for trying to be funny around the cops is, stop it. Cops aren't funny guy. I don't care how many times you've watched Police Academy, Reno 911, or Super Troopers. Keep all thoughts about the individual with the beating staff and tazer on the straight an narrow. Anything you say will be taken in the most literal sense. If you say "It's not like I have a garbage bag of meth in the trunk" to the officer he is going to look in the trunk and you are going to get a fat ticket. If you say "My third wife left me for a cop so I keep a shotgun in me bum at all times" your cavities are going to be invaded and your going to jail for threatening an officer of the law.

8. Intervention



Nothing brings a family together like a nasty addiction. Unlike other family gatherings however, this is not the time to talk about how when Billy was little he used to eat the cats food and ride the dog like a horsey. Because now he's eating the cat's food and smoking crack like he's riding a horsey. So after all your other family members have given tear filled, heart wrenching testimonies about the effects of addiction, take a moment to gather yourself. Instead of quoting lines from Caddyshack, tell your drug ridden family member to go to treatment. After he gets out of rehab you can call him "Cracky the Crackosaurus" all you want.

7. Executioner



You have been given the solemn duty to put state convicted criminals to death. Don't talk to the victim at all. Don't size his neck up with a noose while you make choking faces. Don't buy a novelty rubber axe for the first wack. Do not pretend to flip the electric switch 5 times before actually switching it. Do not pretend to get the injection needles switched up, and for god's sake don't give them cutsey labels. The last thing the victim wants to see is that you have labeled the sodium thiopental "Fat Man" and the pancuronium bromide "Little Boy". Death bed humor mixed with nuclear holocaust references are in very poor taste.

6. Ultrasound Technician



I know that you had to have special training for this position and that the job involves a warm squishy gliding agent, but use tact. Do not pretend like what you're seeing on the screen is an alien fetus festering in the mother's womb. Try not to tell the pregnant woman that there really isn't any baby and she is just fat. On the flip side try your best to hold in your laughter as you inform that fat lady that there is no baby and she has just wasted her money and your time.

5. Funeral Ceremony



I don't care if the deceased was a green blooded son of a Sarek. Show some repect.

4. Game's Ending



Dear 1989 Nintendo Game Design Team,

Mario 3 is a GREAT game. Do you really feel it is necessary/appropriate to have the ending to the third game be a reference to the most overused/stupid bit from the first game? I don't know if there are intricacies in Japanese humor that I am missing out on, but I see the ending as being a slap to the face. I mean I had to leave the NES on overnight in order to beat the game without using warp whistles. Then I finally trick Bowser into using his own weight to kill himself and Toadstool cracks a joke about being in another castle! Party foul!

Regards,
Glorch.

3. State of the Union Address



The Russians are threatening to blow us off the face of the earth! Only kidding. While I personally would find it humorous to have the 1st African American to treat the State of the Union like a Chris Rock HBO special, the majority of Americans look to the address to be a stoic reflection of the direction of the nation. So I guess Obama should rip up that transcript of Richard Pryor's stand up special and stick to talking about boring economics and military endeavors.

2. Proctologist Visit



If you have the flu it's perfectly fine to crack jokes with your doctor. Jokes about being terrible at golf certainly go over with toity doctors, so load up with them. However if you tell the same jokes while getting your prostate examined they will all back fire. Either there will be an awkward silence or the Dr. will fire a joke right back at you! He will compare your nethers to a torn up green, or he may compare certain parts of you to being "large as a golf ball" or "as heavy as a 9 iron". These are things obviously to avoid, so keep it professional at the proctologist's.

1. Bridge of a Star Destroyer



Ooooh man. While joking at other inappropriate occasions may get you in a little trouble, this one will cost you your rank and your life. If Darth Vader is running the ship don't smile. Do not underestimate the rebels ability's to inhabit an ice covered planet. Don't come out of light speed to quickly. And for goodness sake do not crack jokes of any kind within earshot of the Dark Lord of the Sith. I wouldn't even crack jokes in the same sector. He's got the force, man! I was just thinking of a way to joke about how Anakin can build 3p0 and a podracer, but the Japor snippet he gave Padme looks like a kindergarten project. I think it would.... chgh... chhg... I'm choking! Chg... Can't breath.. gag. *thud*

Crouch's Cellar: Abusing The Laws of Science

Crouch's Cellar

Like the arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.

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Today's Subject:

Hamby's Replacement

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And it misleads those who dwell on the earth, because of the signs that were granted it to perform in the sight of the wild beast, while it tells those who dwell on the earth to make an image to the wild beast that had the sword-stroke and yet revived. And there was granted it to give breath to the image of the wild beast, so that the image of the wild beast should both speak and cause to be killed all those who would not in any way worship the image of the wild beast. (Revelation 13:14,15)

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In what manner are we misapplying scripture today? Well, friends, in continued observance of Hamby Week I have decided to put my gross disregard for scientific ethics to use on his behalf. No doubt after the honey moon is over Hamby will have had his fill of lovey-dove notions and return to his true form; reading comic books, playing viddies, idolizing wrestlers, and other sorts of Hamby things. He will be quite unable to accomplish this with a needy wife around. So instead of getting rid of the wife, I will create a bionically engineered replacement Hamby. All James need do is flick a switch on the robotic sin against The Lord and he will be in business.

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Here are the fictional specifications of the project-

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Face-

How can we replicate the face of our little angel? Easy. Silly Putty and lots of it. We will grab a Neanderthals skull from a local musem and slab the Silly Putty to it. After building up the features we will hold the putty in place with a generous layer of rubber cement. Next we will fashion a wig and eyebrows from brown possum hair. The wig should lie flat and the brows should be expressive and bushy. Complete the head with a set of laser fitted horse eyes and a cows tongue and teeth.

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Abdomen-

This procedure will be easier than the last. Make your way to a crane machine filled with toys. Specifically a crane machine with a large Big Bird stuffed animal. Spend as many dollars as are necessary to bag the bird. After winning the stuffed animal, remove the arms, head, and iconic legs. Perfect. Throw some half torn dress shirt on him and you're done.

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Arms-

Tricky part here fellas. The right arm will take work, but it is a necessary feature of le creature. Start by burglarizing a local hobby shop. Grab all the servos and fancy robotic equipment you can find. You should be able to create a metal arm by eye-balling a picture of C3P0 and an image of the Terminator when it is all shot up. Hands are hard. Don't worry about it. Hamby only uses his right for one thing. Adhere a fork to the arm with a bolt and be done with it. For the left arm go to the zoo with a hack saw and borrow an arm from a sloth. Perfect.

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Legs & Feet

This is where I make a scientific advance for the greater good of mankind. You know those ridiculously tight green shorts Hamby wears? Right, the ones that leave little to the imagination and stay up about as well as an old lady that took some Tylenol Pm and is driving on the freeway. Now this is a major advancement in garment mechanics, but I have devised a leather strap that fits around the waste. A buckle on the end of the strap fits through holes in the other end to securely hold any manner of pants or shorts to the individual.

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For the left leg use what's left of the robotic equipment. This leg should be shooed with Wolverine's boot. Very good. For the right leg, rip a leg off of The Hulk. Make sure to enrage him so you can reap that nice green beefy leg. Shoe this leg one of Sonic's shoes and be done with it.

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Excellent work team. We have built Hamby a perfect replacement for when he needs to stray from his husbandly duties. As a side note the bionic man does take twenty seven AAA batteries. Tell Hamby where to stick them and make sure he knows that he will have to purchase them to operate the creature.

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I almost forgot..... GIVE HIM LIFE!!!

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End.

Jurassic Espionage

If I Can't Have You...

Hamby's Top 10 - Next Wife In Line

"If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby", is not a lyric in Hamby's head. In anticipation of catastrophic numptual failure, I have compiled a list of Hamby's brides to be if things go under. Apologies to Shannon, who will go into a jealous rage upon seeing the list. The truth hurts.

10. Any Available Game Console



After being dumped, Hamby will soon turn to a woman he's had his hands all over for sometime. Whether it the young PS3 or the older and more experienced Sega Genesis, Hamby will find comfort in her familiar controls and first party games. Two problems with this course of action; 1. Finding an ordained minister to marry him to inanimate object.
2. Getting the wedding ring to fit around the A button.

9. Socko



Hamby's love for Socko, while it does not rival my own, is strong. While he'll be on the rebound looking for comfort in the paws of a familiar friend, he's going to have a heck of a time getting consent from the Cat's father. Hands off, Nancy boy.

8. Female Embodiment of a Big Mac




I can see Hollywood stealing my idea on this one. Hamby, upset and driven to madness over the death of his spouse experiments on the application of making a woman out of 2 all beef patties with lettuce, pickles, onions and special sauce on sesame seed buns. Hamby would then shortly marry the sin of modern science in a private ceremony at the Garden Valley drive thru.

7. Meryl

On to the more realistic realm of fictional character in Japanese tactical stealth action games. Meryl is by no means a typical video game "babe'", but she has it where it counts. From an incoherent place in the plot, to a half romance with the main character, all the way to a wedding to a guy who craps his pants, Meryl's role as a love interest is... odd. Hamby will hope her marriage to the digestivley challenged Akiba is short lived and move in for the love kill. Nice CQC Hamby. Nice CQC.

6. Aunt Jemima

The quickest way to Hamby's heart is through his tummy. Literally. His stomach is 3.5 centimeters from the outer wall of his heart. Starved for affection Hamby will move in on the syrup mogul who also specialises in all sorts of tasty and un-nutritional breakfast plates. Once married Jemima will trade in her patented plaid apron for one with a picture of Triple H on it.

5. Laura Croft

Ah yes, the misogynistic choice finally arrives. A babe from his youth, Hamby will approach her with his arms open and his thumbs on the L1 button. The nostalgic Hamby will go for the earlier incarnation of Croft, and enjoy a 32 bit polygonal relationship.

4. Mt Dew Machine

Pretty self explanatory. He likes soda. So he marries a soda machine. Ha. Ha. Ha.

3. Mary Jane

This one's even more self explanatory than the first, but we'll go into it anyhow. Hamby L O V E S Spider man. The main squeeze of Spidey is Mary Jane. I don't know which incarnation of Mary that Hamby would go for, but I think he'd take what he could get. Maybe there would be an awkward dinner where they could invite Peter Parker to. Hamby would be drooling over Parker, not his new wife. Awkward.

2. This Girl

I googled "Sonic Girl", and this is what I got. Don't tell me Hamby wouldn't go for this. I don't know what kind of trauma this chick underwent as a child, but I'm sure it was severe. I can see it all being revealed slowly on a TV drama. She started wearing the gloves after her father hit her and made the suit after her brother got hit by a truck. I don't know how it relates to dressing up as Sonic, but I don't get paid the big bucks to write Law & Order either. Whatever her issues Hamby will take the baggage in stride.

1. The Rock

Hamby's #1 choice. Depending on the Rocks preferences and the laws governing same sex marriage in the State of Oregon, this one may happen soon, or may take a while. Whatever the case, Hamby will wait as long as required to cement their bond. Again I find myself doing Hollywood's work and coming up these great ideas. A young boy gets a sex-change operation to marry his child hood hero, but has to fight the laws of God/Science/State if Oregon to realize his dreams. Or maybe the wrestler makes the change... Either way if this is the plot for The Wrestler 2, let me know and I will sue the tails off of the studio.