Wait For It

Until The Better End.

Sometimes the best things in life are available right away. Like access to a digestive system. Or like the start of Raiders of The Lost Ark. If you were late to that movie you would have missed one of the most famous adventure scenes of all time. Most of the time though, you do have to wait if you're going to get to the good stuff. Below are 10 things that have excellent endings for those patient enough to endure. As a side note we will pretend that fancy forwarding techniques like fast forward and reading some spoiler website. Another side note : Obvious spoilers ahead.


Marvel Movies After The Credits





Planning for a huge Avengers crossover motion picture, Marvel films the past couple of years have all had a token scene after the credits. The scenes give tid-bits as to what the next film is going to be. Some of the tids are obvious while other bits are cryptic. What is Lodi doing there? Didn't he fall down? Naturally nerds live for this type of thing as speculation is one of the many talents of a nerd. They will obsess over the 60 seconds of footage for the next year. Though the majority of scenes have been related to the Avengers crossover, the first Marvel post credit scene was in the 2003 film Daredevil. It shows Bullseye all damaged in a cast. Will he be in the sequel? Silly fanboy, trash films don't get sequels.


Metal Gear Solid Four Final Boss





Though you'll be sitting in front of the TV for an hour after this fight due to an extensive and convoluted cutscene, the final battle of the game is the greatest example of fan service in video game history. The entire game is a 3rd person stealth action game. For the final fight however, the game transforms into a classic fighting game. It's just you, a withered hero clinging to life after saving the planet, and Naked Snake, your lifelong nemesis and sorta clone brother. Your health gauge starts off as the classic Metal Gear Solid gauge and the original music plays. As you beat the crap out of him the gauge, personality of your nemesis, and music change to suit style of the next game in the series. Though the fight is a lot of context sensitive button prompts, it's one of the most memorable boss fights ever.


Store Liquidation Sale





Going to a place a paying full price is for suckers. Using coupons and bargain shopping is too difficult. That's where a liquidation dale comes in. Eventually all specialty stores are going to hit a wall and have to close. How long did Spatula City think it would be able to exclusively sale only spatulas? After going belly up they will be forced to slash prices on their entire inventory meaning you can go in there like a looter in a riot and get a home stereo for $5. The best deals will come at the very end of the liquidation. A patient person can pick through heaps of things people wouldn't even buy when the stuff was 70% off. Sure the clothes may not fit and you don't have anything that takes a 9v battery, but you got a deal!

Running With Scissors





Running with scissors is a great album. You can tell because the graphic for the album is all weird because it's intended for the cassette format. The tape is the preferred format of Weird Al connoisseurs everywhere. Anyhow this album has one of the best last tracks out there. It is titled Albuquerque, and yes I did have to Google "Albuquerque". The song has a length of 11 minutes and 22 seconds. The song is so extensive the lyrics could not be included with the album, as is Al's custom. The song is a fictitious first person yarn based on a man's adventures after he wins a first class one way ticket to the title city. The contest Al talks about winning was held by a radio station. The winning individual would have to be the closest participant in guessing how many molecules were on Leonard Nimoy's butt. Al was only off by 3. The chorus' of the song are made up of popular recordings like "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again". It is one of my favorite Weird Al songs. Now I know some Glorching fanboys
might be saying, "Wait a minute Crouchy Boy. Why is this song not even on your own Weird Al top 10 list if it's so great?*" To that I reply, "Why don't you cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw?"


*http://glorchinggators.blogspot.com/2010/01/weird-al-top-10.html


Ebay Auctions





The finale of an Ebay auction is an exciting time. It is the time when you get to find out whether or not you get that expensive set of action figures for $2, or if some low life troll snatches them from you like the vile creature he is. I guess the finale is only good for you about 20% of the time. Doesn't mean that this shouldn't be on our list. Watching the victim of a sniping is a joy in itself. Their teeth clinch in unison with their colon and the break out in a sweat of rage.

Drumstick

Chocolate covered ice cream is tasty. Very tasty. The Drumstick has a reward for the patient peam eater. The cone has a secret treasure hidden inside it's waffle goodness. As you make your way down the treat you will soon find your self biting into dark chocolate. That's right. The base of the cone is filled with tasty solid chocolate. What a reward! You were about to throw that 1/2 eaten cone out weren't you?

Identity Crisis

Identity Crisis is a crossover comic event that took place in 2004. Some villain is going around attacking, and in some cases killing the loved ones of superheroes. Who is this mastermind that has determined the secret identities of our heroes, and when will they strike next? The story develops as all manner of high powered crooks are investigated or blamed. Not till the end do we find out that the attacks were nothing but a cry for affection by The Atom's ex-wife Jean Loring. You see she missed her ex husband being around so she killed his pal's wife so that he would feel a need to protect her. If that isn't enough of a plot twist it is also revealed that a portion of the Justice League decided to give Batman a magical lobotomy to erase certain events from his mind.

Soylent Green

Charlton Heston's penchant for mega revelations was made manifest in the 1969 Planet of the Apes. His skills were also planned to be used for the shocking thriller The 11 Commandments but that movie never got made. My favorite Charlton-Heston-Wait-For-It moment is in the 1973 film Soylent Green. You see in the future food is scarce due to an increase in population.
So a company sells synthetic vegetable products like soylent red or soylent yellow. The most popular kind though is soylent green. The company says it comes from plankton. When Heston finds out that the earth's oceans no longer support plankton life he is driven to find out where the product comes from. When his old friend opts for a government funded suicide, Heston follows his body to a secret plant where he finds out that soylent green is PEOPLE. It's PEOPLE!!!

Metroid (1986)

In Metroid players found themselves playing a sweet science fiction based shooting game. They were interstellar bounty hunter Samus Aran. Samus, that's like Sam or Samuel right? No doubt the majority of the players thought that Samus was a dude. A righteous alien blasting dude. After all in the 80s if you had a game that had a playable woman in it, the game would have to have "Mrs." in the title. That way men knew to steer clear. Playing Mrs Pacman was an insult to their manhood. Well guess what? At the end of the game Samus sheds her armor and all is revealed. You've been playing as an 8-bit stacked woman.

A Night At The Opera

A Night At The Opera is Queen's 4th album and was released in 1975. I wouldn't call it Queen's best album as songs like I'm In Love With My Car sung by the drummer Roger Taylor. He's a fine drummer. Brian May lends vocals on '39 and Good Company. Brian May is the best guitarist in all of creation, but he's no Freddie Mercury. The album also includes the Queen classics Love of My Life and You're My Best Friend. When does it get great though? At the end! Track 11 is Bohemian Rhapsody, maybe you've heard of it. Only the greatest feat in all of song recording history. "Wait another minute Crouchy Boy", you might say. "Isn't there a track after that? God Save The Queen I believe it is". While I appreciate your concern, that is mearly a national anthem and it's like 20 seconds long. Not even a song. Bohemian Rhapsody is the reason to get this album and it's the last song on the album. Bold move by Queen to bury this gem so thoughtfully.

Departmental Transfer Notification Hoth-Alpa 3.3

Click on the images for larger view.

Number Five Is Alive

Is That Creep's Tail?

Why yes it is! His tail casts a glorious shadow. After a long and unnecessary sabbatical, Glorch Industries is once again starting production of another VGP painting. The Borderlands Psycho can be seen as well as the Smash Bros. character selection. Bats will be here, though he needs to be revamped, as is the Joker. We're going with a purperly lavendatious background for this one. Should take about another month of labor.

O Captain! My Captain!

30 Cool Captains

The rank of captain is a common one. That does not mean those who have acquired such rank are common, in fact they are anything but. I have arranged a marathon of the mind as far as that goes. Below are 30 fictional captains. I have jumbled the names. See how many of them you can figure out. A score of 100% will earn you the title of honorary "Captain Glorch".

NHCURC


KKRI


MCREIAA

ACRDIP

DAOMONMC

TNELAP

LOOS

ROGANM

ANAWYEJ

KOHO

OSCPK

OIMLRA

CAJK PRAWROS

HNJO THMIS

AONROGAK

AVRELM

LUUS

NOR

ANNRPUETSD

INANOS

NOTRPO

DAEV NIGM NHCGE

NCAOLF

AEMAVNC

MONE

RMAVLE

EELAL

OARRIMF

TAIRNM ISGGR

KNIL HROBTHGO

How did you do?You'll notice there is no Deep Space Nine or Archer love. With good reason. Those clods aren't worth the memory ingrams that make up their Captain's logs. You can file that under That's right, I said it.

The Position Has Been Filled

7 Dubious Job Promotions

The furtherance of employment by moving up the corporate ladder is common place theses days. In a down economy qualified individuals strive to outreach one another by acquiring new skills, dressing fancy, and bribing ferry operators. Forge the river? No way. I'll just slip the ferry operator an 8x10 glossy of Kathy Coleman posing with that lizard creature. Trust me, it works. I'm digressing. Here are some individuals that got premium positions for less than stellar reasons. Let us examine their career paths.

Dr. Mario




Mario's skills as a Princess Retrieving Technician can not be disputed. However every time he would save up 100 coins doing so, he would immediately blow it on an "extra life". He should have invested those coins in a 401k. At some point he must have sought higher education. Soon he was slinging pills at little nasty viruses and making a Doctor's salary. Unfortunately a Dr's. lifestyle is not cheap. Mario soon found himself paying out the nose to host sporting events like Tennis and Golf. He also threw lavish party's for his friends on a regular basis. The party's included mini games with requirements like giant cakes and the Statue of Liberty. Needless to say Dr. Mario had to resign from the medical field and go back to the boring life of being an intergalactic plumber hero.


Norrin Radd - The Silver Surfer





The Silver Surfer began his life as Norrin Radd, a pacifist astronomer from the planet Zen-La. At some point the cosmic garbage disposal they call Galactus came calling to destroy Norrin's home planet. You see Galactus needs to feed and so he goes around munching planets for the sustenance they provide. To prevent Galactus from destroying his home Norrin agrees to become his 'herald', or shiny naked man servant. Bestowed with a portion of the power cosmic Norrin Radd is promoted to Silver Surfer, Herald of Galactus. Another title could be Cosmic Being Nutritional Supplement Advisor. All the Silver Surfer really did was fly around looking for planets for Galactus to consume. He wasn't on the job for long before he got into a dispute with management. You see Galactus wanted to eat earth, but the Surfer's new friends The Fantastic 4 lived there. So he decided to assault his employer. After the assault Galactus removed his title of Herald and was confined to Earth.

Sheriff Bart




In the movie Blazing Saddles, Bart starts off as being a slave that works on the railroad. After hitting one of his masters on the head with a shovel, he is dubiously given the position of Sheriff in the city of Rock Ridge. The villains who put him in charge hope that the sight of a black man as sheriff will enrage the inhabitants of Rock Ridge to the point of abandoning the town. To their chagrin Bart outwits the town by holding himself hostage. Later with the help of Gene Wilder he uses all manner of slap stick gags to defeat the villain. Bart is proof that you can succeed regardless of racial prejudice. He got that promotion even though his great grandmother was Dutch.

Emergency Medical Hologram (The Doctor)



Whoa! What is the good doctor doing in that red command jumpsuit? When the starship Voyager was transported to the Delta Quadrant by the omnipotent yet powerless Caretaker, many of the ships personnel were killed. This included the majority of the medical staff. In times of duress the EMH Mark I could be activated to serve as a temporary replacement to a Chief Medical Officer. The balding, sheepish program served well in the capacity on a necessary permanent basis. However, the Doctor had begun to explore the subroutines of his programing that included a Emergency Command Hologram function. He day dreamed about taking command of the Voyager and would live out these fantasies on the Holodeck. Twice in the 7 year voyage of the Voyager the crew had to abandon ship and the now promoted ECH got to take over. During this time he would ditch his acerbic personality for a more grandiose one. Sadly, he only got to do this twice. What kind of promotion is that? Either you qualified or you aint.

James Bond



In the prequelesque Casino Royale, we get a taste of what James Bond was before becoming 007. We also get the details on what it takes to become a Double-0 agent of Her Majesty. The first thing Bond had to do to move up the espionage ladder was to beat the living crap out of some dude in a dirty European bathroom. You have to break a few eggs and put their heads in a toilet to make an omelet. After knocking the crap out of the guy Bond tries to compose himself. That's when the jerk gains conciseness and goes for his gun. Bond shooting the dude in the head takes us to the famed opening Bond kill-shot. I would think that by itself would get you Double-0 status, but nooooo. You also have to shoot some corrupt old MI6 agent while he sits in a chair. It's hard work, but it does get easier. Considerably. Once he got his promotion though he got in trouble for the way that he murdered people and blew stuff up. I thought that's why they liked him so much. That stuffy old M needs to make up her mind.

Kyle Rayner



Kyle Rayner was a young ambitious artist. Everyone knows that artists are dirt poor dreamers. So when Hal Jordan lost his marbles and went on a modest killing spree (all the Green Lanterns and the most of the guardians) Ganthlet (Aforementioned last Guardian) gives Kyle the remaining power ring and lets him know that he's in charge now. What? Talk about an unbalanced workload. There are 3600 sectors that the Green Lantern Corps patrol and they were patrolled previously by about 7200 Lanterns. Now they expected Kyle to take care of all that by himself. I'm sure Kyle appreciated the vote of confidence, but that's one heck of a torch to carry. Fortunately Kyle did have the willpower to carry through his new assignment. It helped that a previously near infinite number of conflicts had somehow been reduced to only about two per month, and usually around earth. Wacky universe aint it?

Admiral Piett



Probably the most well known promotion in all of Nerdom. Piett was a captain aboard the Executor, flagship of Darth Vader. His militaristic approach was to go off of leads left behind by fragmented Probe Droids. Admiral Ozzel took the opposite approach and wanted proof. When Admiral Ozzel comes out of lightspeed too quickly he proves that he is indeed as clumsy as he is stupid. He soon gets a video-chat from Lord Vader. Lord Vader is sitting in his meditating spherical bath tub and doesn't like to be disturbed by bad news. It isn't surprising then that he chokes the life out of the Admiral and immediately promotes Captain Piett to the rank of Admiral. Judging by the look on his face it is clear that Admiral was not the position he had interviewed for. Then again, declining a job offer from the Lord of the Sith isn't a good career move. Piett kept his nose clean and did not alert the Rebels to the presence of the Imperial fleet during his term as admiral. Even so a failure by his staff to increase forward fire power cut short his military career and his life. I guess that's how the majority of battlefield promotions work out though aint it?