Recent events concerning the budget of the United States have caused a slew of elderly people to make uninformed comments about a government shutdown. I'm sick of hearing it.They vote for these clowns and then enjoy complaining about how they can't get anything done. Below are some leaders I would put in charge. I have also provided each one with a current world issue to show how they would easily solve it.
10. Jareth - The Goblin King
Planned Parenting
This day in age kids are having kids. So they set up clinics and programs to help educate would be parents before they have an unplanned litter. If Jareth were in charge this would not be an issue. He would take 79% of the nations babys, young or not, to his castle. If the child doesn't have a loved one that is willing to dare the dangers of his labyrinth, the child will be turned into a goblin within 24 hours. Goblins are much better than babys any how. They make a fine work force, and a suitable military force. Incidentally Jareth would also implement a new judicial system wherein those found guilty are simply tossed into the bog of stench.
9. Emperor Palpatine - Galactic Emperor
Government Funded Medical Care
I'm not sure if Anakin had health insurance going into his showdown with Obi Wan on Mustafar, but Palpy never seemed to check. He took him straight to his best medical facility on Coruscant. The rapid rate at which Vader was repaired indicates Palpatine must have foreseen Anakin getting pwned in a lava pit and needing a mechanical suit and scary breathing mask. The Galactic Empire also provides preventative care for all Stormtroopers. Top of the line blaster prone plastic armor is provided free of charge once enlisted. Bacta treatment can be expensive, so the Emperor is taxing the kriffing credits out of all planets within our galaxy. You can tell Palpatine cares about his subjects because he doesn't even spend any money on personal skin care treatment. Those stupid Rebels would probably call him a Socialist Pig.
8. Mayor McCheese
Government Funded Food Programs
While starvation may not be a problem in most countries, proper nutrition can be. Some would have a beef with putting an anthromorphised cheeseburger in charge, but not me. Lettuce first look at his humble beginnings. He grew up in the Sesame Slums. Eventually he mustard the strength to en roll in a four cheese university. After graduating he pickled a job in agriculture. It didn't mater that he worked his patties to the bone, he wanted to help feed the nation. Eventually he found a grill he liked and settled down in a small town. He formed a repuatation for meating the needs of the community and was pressed into running for election. His raw emotion helped him ketchup in the polls and he was soon elected. That's enough of that...
7. Lex Luthor - President of the USA
Imigration.
The grass is always greener on the side with more water. If one person won't stand for illegal aliens it is Lex Luthor. He doesn't care what positive elements you may introduce to the community. If you weren't born in this nation, get out. He has led a one man crusade against that solar system jumping Kryptonian. He doesn't care if Supes doesn't have a planet to go back to. He'd rather kill him than to have his corrupt alien culture soil his human superiority. Instead of putting up a fence, Lex wears a kryptonite powered (hypocrite?) battle suit. Watch out Superman, that middle finger has red kryptonite. When Luthor flies the bird Superman will be affected by one of the many random affects of Red K.
6. Double Feature! Presidents of the United Federation of Planets
This one is the one from Star Trek VI. His name is Ra-ghoratreii and he is an Efrosian. I don't know what he's good for, but it felt wrong not to include him. He's kind of a sissy for not sticking it to the Klingons.
Space Program
Here's a real Star Trek president. His name is Hiram Roth. A Jewish space president? Yeah! While our stinking government cancels the shuttle program because they can't dream, this president doles out reward for dangerous and rebellious activity. It's OK to violate nine starfleet regulations and steal a starship as long as you bring back some whales next time you're in the bay. You'll get 'demoted' to captain and be awarded a pimpin' ride. The exquisite Enterprise NCC1701-A to be precise. Way to govern!
5. Prince Humperdink
Military Strategist
He can track a hawk on a cloudy day. I don't know how useful a trait that is. The hawk is way up in the sky. Is he trying to catch it? What if it goes over a lake or a mountain or something? In any case Humperdink has proved himself to be an able bodied leader who takes his nations military actions into his own hands. Captured insurgents are held at a much more reliable location than Guantanamo Bay. The Pit of Despair is a prime location for extracting information or just plain causing despair. Keen military strategy is nothing without the means to carry it out. That's where the brute squad comes in. Under Humperdink all branches of the military will be condensed into this Brute Squad. They will go around hitting everyone over the head and so forth. The only weaknesses of this military machine will be Holocaust cloaks, wheel barrels, and crippled pirates with infamous reputations.
4. The Empress from The Neverending Story
Unemployment
Times are hard in Fantasia. Whether it's rock biters taking up all the rock biting jobs, or race snails monopolizing the pizza delivery business the job market is competitive. One can't even rely on the Southern Oracle to match their job skills around this joint. For many workers The Nothing is more like the name of their bank accounts. Amiright? The Empress can change all this though. All you have to do is find her and give her a stinking name. So if you're tired of having to settle for a job as a Swamped Horse Corpse Support Representative make your way to the Ivory Tower and yell a name at your Empress. When you come across 'Can you show documentation authorizing you to operate a Luck Dragon?' mark down 'Not that it matters, but yesss'.
3. Prince John and Sir Hiss
The Budget
Taxes! Taxes! Glorious taxes! When it comes to making a balanced budget Prince John knows what to do. The key to not owing another country money is to suck all the money from the peasants. Thankless lot of ungrateful cads from all over the animal kingdom anyway. Also instead of having a National Banking system or a Federal Reserve, Prince John demonstrates the practicability of keeping all of the nation's wealth in his bedroom. While the general public may mourn in their poverty they can still have good cheap fun by dancing around in the woods and putting on puppet shows. Prince John's financial checks and balances consists of a hypnotic snake named Hiss. Nothing like a fingerless serpent to run the calculator.
2. Oswald Cobblepot - The Penguin
Animal Control and Wildlife Conservation
I can't tell you how many times I have been frustrated as a citizen due to some penguin rooting through my trash can at night. I don't know what they're after. Maybe it's the slurpies I keep throwing out or the cod flavored shaved ice. Whatever the case they are a nuisance. I want my government to wrangle these pest up and do something humane with them. Like forming an army of penguins with carnival looking rockets on their backs. Or maybe feeding them steroids so that they can become large enough to be penguin pall-bearers at funerals. I know that Cobblepot is also good with cats and bats. As long as he also has an anti-dog policy I'd say he'd be the perfect candidate.
1. Senatorial representative Jar Jar Binks
World Peace
That's right. If I could put one person in charge of having everyone get along it would be the Binks. I mean he brought together the Gungans and the Naboo like it was nothing. When it comes to a figure that every one can rally around the Binks is supreme. He could run with a slogan like, "Being mean stinks, Vote for Binks". I'll make up some buttons for people to wear. There is a fraction of a small amount of people who don't like Jar Jar. Those people will be hit over the head with a booma and taken to the kaadu ranches to be maid into Soylent Green. After Jar Jar's reign is established, everyone will speak the same broken English high pitched dialect he speaks. It is hard to be a jerk when conversing this way. Soon everyone will get along. Meesa can't wait.
Bonus Glorching -
Nute Gunray
George Lucas's political ideals are not well hidden in his Star Wars movies. A prime example can be seen in the oaf of a politician Nute Gunray. The naming of this character takes shots at 2 American republicans. Speaker of the house Newt Gingrich is obvious. However if you take his last name 'Gunray' and switch it around to make 'ray-gun' you get the name of former Republican president Ronald Reagan who was president during the time Lucas was thinking up the prequels. I wonder what kind of sick satisfaction he got when Darth Vader beheads Nute in ROTS... Not to subtle Georgie Boy.
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