Monday, August 1, 2011

Super Return Of The Glorch

10 Things I Think Are Super

Su-per [soo-per] -adjective: of the highest degree, power, etc.

One of the laziest prefixes around, super has been abused more times than mega. If you want to say something is greater, larger, more abundant you just go with super. This market is bigger than most, so we'll go with 'supermarket'. That sort of thing. But some super things are actually deserving of the superlative title. I have listed them below. Have a super day.

10. Supersaurus.



Supersaurus is the lesser known relative of diplodocus and apatosaurus. This sauropod lived in the late Jurassic. They grew up to 120 feet long. That's as big as two rail road cars. They weighed up to 40 tons. I am surprised that this dinosaur is not more well known. I guess kids who like dinosaurs pride themselves on being able to pronounce the more difficult dinosaur names. Paleontologists should take more pride in naming them. Supersaurus, ultrasaurus, gigantoraptor, and meglosaurus. If you are superbored look up the term 'Scrotum humanum' and how it relates to the early discovered meglosaurus. Talk about superlazy naming.

9. Super Soaker




Growing up as a poor child I never had a Super Soaker. Also my parents did not like guns, so I didn't really have a squirt gun of any type. Needless to say during summer time if I wasn't near a hose, I would be at the mercy of my enemies. The Super Soaker is on the list because it teaches children at an early age the importance of arms superiority. The Super Soaker itself has many models ranging from basic all the way to battery controlled versions with a gallon tank back-pack. Not even a super accurate hit from a water balloon can compete with that.

8. Superconductor.




Here comes the part where I pretend to know what a superconductor is. As I understand it a superconductor is a material, usually a metal, that can be frozen to a state where electrons can travel through them unhindered. This means such a metal can carry more electricity easier than any other substance without the electricity dissipating or causing heat. If starships or lightsabers where real I'm sure they would have to have a power source that included superconductors. Also, as you can see, superconductivity allows the metal to create a small magnetic field that allows it to hover. Some feel that this property can be expounded on to create an anti gravity vessel, though no practical applications have been made.

7. Superbowl




Ah yes. The Superbowl. Few thing rally the American public like the Superbowl. It began as a championship football game, or some nonsense like that. Since then however it has become an advertising juggernaut of unrivaled scale, truly a super spectacle. Companies pay out the nose to put up their commercials with talking animals and half naked women. 3 hours during a Febuary evening and I know what brands I need to purchase for the whole year. A super addition to the Superbowl has been the halftime show. Superlative performances take over the field for a half hour to lure in those who don't like sports. Too bad that Janet and Justin ruined it with the super embarrassing wardrobe malfunction. Super Geezers would grace the stage for years to follow. Only recently have the Black Eyed Peas replaced the geezers. Their Tron suit are immune to wardrobe malfunction.

6. Superstitions



Mind control is one of those things hard to pull off. The most successful form of mind control are superstitions. The earliest form of superstition came from a cobbler who became upset with the mirror maker who had a shop next to his. He started a rumor that breaking a mirror was bad luck so that people would be extra careful not to break mirrors. Eventually the mirror maker went out of business and the cobbler expanded his own shop. It is very convenient to relieve oneself atop a ladder, so that's where that under the ladder business came from. The black cat superstition was obviously predicated by a bunch of jealous dogs. Kudos for Leeption approving using his likeness for this post!

5. Super Size



One of the greatest portion related controversies of our time, the loss of the super sized fry is a travesty of untold proportions. Or super portions I should say. Apparently fat people were dying because of heart attacks because McDonalds was forcing them to over eat with catchy slogans and advertising. Super Sizing was about value, nothing more. Only $1 more and look how much more I get! It's like winning the food lottery. Fortunately McDonalds has stepped up to the plate in a much sneakier way. Thanks to the $1 menu you can secretly super size your meal by ordering 5 McChickens on the side!

4. Supernova



A supernova is truly deserving of the 'super' title. It happens when a huge star explodes. Supernovas are so epic that they can outshine entire galaxies. The shockwave of a supernova has so much kinetic energy it can form new stars. Some supernovas are so powerful they expel as much energy during that one explosion than the energy that that sun put out during it's whole life time. I like to think of a supernova as a stellar fart. These farts however linger for centuries if not eons.

3. Super Star Destroyer



If anyone knows the value of hierarchical scale it's Darth Vader. In The Empire Stikes Back the Empire is out looking for Luke Skywalker and his Rebel base. Vader's lieutenants show up in their singularly impressive star destroyers. But what is that all encompassing shadow overtaking them? Aww yeah! It's a super star destroyer! The Executor in particular. After escaping Tarkin's doomed super weapon Vader asks Palpatine for the keys to this beast. I guess Palpatine blamed Tarkin for crashing the Death Star. Long story short a super star destroyer is the baddest thing around. Having said that if you shoot it's shield balls off and crash an A-wing into the bridge you will negate it's navigational systems and it will crash into the nearest moon sized space station. I dunno, maybe have a back up navigational system within the star destroyer? Intensify forward fire power!

Super Mario Bros.



Any serious Mario player knows that regular Mario Bros. is nothing but an arcade game wherein you run around the same stage popping up spineys and collecting coins. It wasn't until Mario became Super that he became the quintessential platforming king that he is today. An entire 8-worlded side scrolling multipowered up Mario game truly was super and it set the precedence for upping the video game ante by throwing a super in the mix. The follow up to the NES was even called the Super Nintendo. This caused a wave of Super games. Super Star Wars, Super Bomberman, Supper Smash TV, Super Metroid, and even Super Solitaire. The act of throwing a super in to make a game seem better crossed all platforms. Sega Genesis had Super Fantasy Zone. The first Playstation had Super Adventure Rockman and Super Duper Sumos. The Duper lets you know it's good. Needless to say all the great Mario games have had the Super title, including the most recent Super Mario Galaxy 2.

1. Superman



Is there any question? Superman is the epitome of the word super. Superman is the most enduring super hero in existence. Even more impressive is the fact that his origin has changed so little in 73 years of publication. His story is known the world over as is his iconic logo. Superman has been marketed every way you could imagine and was the first hero to have a Tv show, animated cartoon, or high budget motion picture. Nonsensical science fiction words like "kryptonite" are so well known they have been adopted by people of different languages. Many morons like to complain about Superman and his almost limitless positive attributes and powers. But those people are just jealous stupid suckers. Superman carried the comic book industry on his back for years. He also set the bar for having a successful comic book motion picture. Superman is the foundation for all comics, and if you ask me nerdery in the 20th century onward.

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