Crouch's Cellar: Abusing The Laws of Science

Crouch's Cellar

Like the arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.

Today's Project: Customer of Epitome 4,000

I am more familiar with the pestilent ways of the customer than I would care to be. For years now I have been dealing with their incessant whining and selfish attitudes. You will be glad to know that my anguish has not been for nothing. I have been able to splice the genes of several different typical customer service patrons and combine them to create the epitome of your common customer. The following is not for the faint of heart.

Dense Skull.

We start with the head. A dense skull made up of almost vibranium like materials surrounds the cranial area. It prevents any knowledge or understanding from going in or out.

Dense Skull Resistant Brain Matter
Of course the only thing that gets out of the skull is the brain. It seems to sprout wings and give flight as it makes it's exodus. The brain matter is so spongy it can fit through the smallest of holes with ease.

Geezer Hair
To showcase how stubborn and stuck in it's ways the customer is, it has sprouted grey hair on one side. This is a sure warning to any one who may approach that this customer will act like it knows everything but demonstrate it know nothing.

Troll Hair
Self explanatory fuzz of a troll. Customer will be rude and possibly nude.

Ears Full of Corn Chips
The ears will be stuffed with ridged corn chips. The razor sharp chips will cut into the eardrum and block the hearing passage. As a result no matter how clearly or loudly you give instruction, nothing will be heard.

Gaping Mouth Hole
Used to "communicate". Words will bubble forth, but are not guaranteed to be coherent or of any value. Volume will increase with ignorance.

Rumor Snake
The rumor snake will use it extra sensory organs to convey to the customer all manner of incorrect jargon and folklore. The customer will then senselessly repeat what it has taken in.

Blame Cannon 4000
The blame cannon is retrofitted to one arm to provide the customer with limitless scapegoats. The majority of the time the cannon will be pointed at the person trying to assist them. Use caution.

T-Shirt Demonstrating Ignorance
It is painfully obvious that this is one of the more ignorant creations under the heavens. Even so the customer demands on wearing a T-Shirt that reinforces the ignorant trait.

Dictionary of Obscenity
Held securely in it's pocket the customer has access to all of the vulgar and negative terms in existence. It will often resort to these words without provocation. Ear muffs.

Log IDs and Passwords
Despite insisting that they do not know this information the customer does have access. These credentials critical to using a computer's various benefits are stored in the customer's anus.

Designer Jeans From 1991
The customer is still paying interest on these pants. They were purchased two decades ago at the Bon Marche. The customer refuses to give them up.

Puppet Leg
I ran out of human legs. The puppet leg grants the customer some bipedal stability.

Footwear of the Masses
The customer has no identity. Rather it relies on the actions and tastes of others form it's opinions and decisions.

Current Technological Fad
The customer will often carry a device it has no business trying to operate. In this case an iShoe. It will then call tech support on a daily basis to opperate the simplest aspects if the device.

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