Glorching Gorillas

Monkey Business

Humans have long been fascinated by primates. One of the few bipedal mammal orders, the primate is easier to identify with that any other animal. Except for maybe sloths. They belong to the order Pilosa and are related more to an anteater. Lesson of the day. I thought about doing some research to determine where the phrase "get the monkey off my back" came from, but that sounds to exhaustive. Instead I thought about 10 superior simians. There are no listings from the Planet of the Apes series as that would be too derivative considering the new motion picture and all.

10. Evil Monkey

The only monkey I know of with enough sense to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I thought we'd start off with him. Introduced as a gag the Evil Monkey has appeared many times in the Family Guy series. His evil deeds seem to include pointing with gnashed teeth and abusing drugs while listening to Foghat. In an episode focused on the evil Monkey it is revealed he is evil because his wife cheated on him. Chris and the Monkey set their differences aside and the monkey helps Chris with a school project. The Evil Monkey's last known where abouts are Jake Tucker's (the kid with the upside down face) closet.

9. Detective Chimp

Detective Chimp is currently a member of the Shadowpact, a group of mystic heroes in the DC comics universe. A minor character created in the 50's, he was used as a vehicle to move animal related comics to the budding furry society. Kidding. He came to relevance again very recently. At one point it became evident that his detective career had no merit on it's own as a chimpanzee had no legal rights and could not even press charges when people would not pay him for his services. He became an alcoholic and made the Oblivion Bar his permanent dwelling station. When the Spectre started killing off mystics, it was Detective Chimp that rallied the together to form the Shadowpact. Though he has no superpowers his detective skills and intelligence are invaluable to the team. He even chats with detectives like J'onn J'onzz and Batman from time to time.

8. Rafiki

This list would be incomplete with out a grapefruit-colored-backside baboon. The only baboon I could think of is Rafiki from The Lion King. "Rafiki" is the Swahili word for friend. He's kind of a wise older monkey. He meditates and scribbles pictoral prophecies. He also has a very keen sense of smell, as he can smell a particular lion's musk from a great distance. I always thought it would be funnier if Simba would have farted after eating all those bugs and that would have been what tipped off Rafiki. Rafiki also has a penchant for using physical abuse in his tutelage. Smacking a student over the head should be explored more when it comes to modern day instruction. Spare the rod spoil the cub.

7. The Monkey From Raiders. "Bad Dates"

This monkey hung out on the shoulder of some bad dude that was in league with the Nazis. The guy had an eye patch. Are there ever any good guys that wear eye patches? Any how this monkey makes the list because he saved Indy's life, from a certain point of view. When Indiana Jones goes to eat some dates his friend Salla snatches his arm out of the air and says, "Bad dates". Salla had seen that the monkey had eaten the dates and quickly died. Too bad too because the monkey was smart, smart enough to rat out Marion while she was hiding in that basket. That pirate looking guy should have trained him to identify tainted fruit. Instead it appears he spent his time teaching the capuchin to salute in the same fashion as the other Nazis.

6. Optimus Primal

Is that Optimus Prime in a monkey suit? Noooooo. It's Optimus Primal, leader of the Maximals. He was introduced in 1996 in one of the first ever CGI television shows "Beast Wars". By today's standards he looks kind of dumb, but back then he was beautiful. His duties mostly consisted of saying something cool and confident when it was time to go to battle with the Predacons. On Beast Wars the Predacons were led by a Megatron that was a big purple T-rex. Ape and T-rex battles are a common thing I guess. My favorite episodes had a raptor named Dinobot lurking around. Sometimes he was good, and sometimes he was bad. Either way Optimus Primal would always beat down on the bad guys.

5. Guenter

In the Futurama episode titled Mars University Fry deals with feelings of inadequacy as he is surrounded by an intellectual population. His self conciseness becomes greater when he finds out his room mate is a super intelligent and indignant monkey named Guenter. His super intelligence is provided to him by a hat that Professor Farnsworth constructed in order to help him get a degree from Mars University. After giving Fry a hard time Guenter eventually breaks his hat while saving the crew from falling off a water fall. His broken hat allows him to talk, but he isn't as intelligent any more. The writers of Futurama jab the network by naming Guenter as the president of FOX.

4. Gorilla Grodd

Gorilla Grodd is a gorilla whose mental and physical abilities have been greatly enhanced. At some point an alien vessel crashed into a jungle inhabited by gorillas. The vessel gave all the gorillas enhanced mental powers and they formed a city. Gorilla Grodd is a bad gorilla. He used his new found mind control abilities to try and take over the city, and then the world. Luckily the leader of Gorilla City, Solovar, contacted The Flash with his mind and everything was OK. Grodd later blowed up Solovar though, so who's laughing now? In JUSTICE Gorilla Grodd is given a yellow power ring from Sinestro. That with his mental powers makes him nearly invulnerable. In the VS system card game Grodds abilities often include gaining control of your opponents units, mirroring his mind control powers.

3. King Kong

Personally I don't care much for King Kong. The dude can't even talk. Having said that his influence over monkey media is mega. There have been 3 movies titled King Kong, but many sequels and rip offs like Mighty Joe Young. King Kong lives on Skull Island. The island has native humans, who's cranial remains lend to the island's name, and dinosaurs. There is even a T-rex like creature. The T-rex is botched though. In the old one you can see it has 3 fingers. In the newer Peter Jackson version King Kong's go to move is to rip the tyrant lizard's jaw asunder. This is horse crap. A newton is a measure of force about equal to the weight of an apple. The T-Rex has a hypothesized bite force of 180 kilonewtons. That's the weight of 180,000 apples. An average apple weighs about a half a pound. So that's like saying King Kong can lift 9000 lbs. An industrial forklift could do that, but it would be a slow process. The way Kong does it in the movie from an outstretched position? What a joke!

2. King Louie

Time for some orangutan action! King Louie is the coolest. Oddly even though he can already speak, he desires to become even more like a man. He thinks he can accomplish this by acquiring cutting edge human technology. That's right fire. How can a talking, dancing, singing orangutan not know how to make a fire? If he was a bit smarter he would have asked for an iPod or a gun or something more useful. King Louie's appearance in Tail Spin was even cooler. He had a swinging club and Balloo was his cargo pilot pal. Probably flew in the drugs from Columbia for him. Pineapple margaritas and the cover charge wouldn't have financed that club on it's own. Some feel that his portrayal was done in a racist fashion. I don't think so. If that the case all white people are big gray lazy bears.

Side note - The first McDonalds toy I remember ever having was a King Louie.

1. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong

Was there any doubt? These two are what monkeys should be. They mock our human need for pants while sporting things like hats and ties, but letting their under carriage hang loose. Donkey Kong was the first big hit for Nintendo. Without him there may not have been a Mario. His barrel throwing prowess has been proved time and again. He is surely the strongest of the two. In Donkey Kong Country for the SNES if you came across a big bad guy you better switch over to DK. Diddy Kong would just bounce of them. Donkey Kong's strength is proved to be the greatest in Nintendom in his latest outing, Donkey Kong Country Returns. *Spoiler Alert*

Once you defeat the bad guy at the end, DK makes sure he is out of commision by flying up to the moon and then punching the moon down onto the villain. Luckily the volcanoe the villain was destroyed upon shot the moon back to it's proper lunar position. Still Diddy Kong is no slouch. He is the faster of the two and typically the coveted character while playing 2 player. His recent additions of a jet pack and a peanut gun make him an invaluable ally in retreiving stolen bannanas. Those who know of the devastating face violation know not to mess with Diddy Kong.

Bonus Glorching.

Look at this stupid thing...

Citizen Glorch

Politician Party

Recent events concerning the budget of the United States have caused a slew of elderly people to make uninformed comments about a government shutdown. I'm sick of hearing it.They vote for these clowns and then enjoy complaining about how they can't get anything done. Below are some leaders I would put in charge. I have also provided each one with a current world issue to show how they would easily solve it.

10. Jareth - The Goblin King



Planned Parenting

This day in age kids are having kids. So they set up clinics and programs to help educate would be parents before they have an unplanned litter. If Jareth were in charge this would not be an issue. He would take 79% of the nations babys, young or not, to his castle. If the child doesn't have a loved one that is willing to dare the dangers of his labyrinth, the child will be turned into a goblin within 24 hours. Goblins are much better than babys any how. They make a fine work force, and a suitable military force. Incidentally Jareth would also implement a new judicial system wherein those found guilty are simply tossed into the bog of stench.

9. Emperor Palpatine - Galactic Emperor



Government Funded Medical Care

I'm not sure if Anakin had health insurance going into his showdown with Obi Wan on Mustafar, but Palpy never seemed to check. He took him straight to his best medical facility on Coruscant. The rapid rate at which Vader was repaired indicates Palpatine must have foreseen Anakin getting pwned in a lava pit and needing a mechanical suit and scary breathing mask. The Galactic Empire also provides preventative care for all Stormtroopers. Top of the line blaster prone plastic armor is provided free of charge once enlisted. Bacta treatment can be expensive, so the Emperor is taxing the kriffing credits out of all planets within our galaxy. You can tell Palpatine cares about his subjects because he doesn't even spend any money on personal skin care treatment. Those stupid Rebels would probably call him a Socialist Pig.

8. Mayor McCheese

Government Funded Food Programs

While starvation may not be a problem in most countries, proper nutrition can be. Some would have a beef with putting an anthromorphised cheeseburger in charge, but not me. Lettuce first look at his humble beginnings. He grew up in the Sesame Slums. Eventually he mustard the strength to en roll in a four cheese university. After graduating he pickled a job in agriculture. It didn't mater that he worked his patties to the bone, he wanted to help feed the nation. Eventually he found a grill he liked and settled down in a small town. He formed a repuatation for meating the needs of the community and was pressed into running for election. His raw emotion helped him ketchup in the polls and he was soon elected. That's enough of that...

7. Lex Luthor - President of the USA

Imigration.

The grass is always greener on the side with more water. If one person won't stand for illegal aliens it is Lex Luthor. He doesn't care what positive elements you may introduce to the community. If you weren't born in this nation, get out. He has led a one man crusade against that solar system jumping Kryptonian. He doesn't care if Supes doesn't have a planet to go back to. He'd rather kill him than to have his corrupt alien culture soil his human superiority. Instead of putting up a fence, Lex wears a kryptonite powered (hypocrite?) battle suit. Watch out Superman, that middle finger has red kryptonite. When Luthor flies the bird Superman will be affected by one of the many random affects of Red K.

6. Double Feature! Presidents of the United Federation of Planets



This one is the one from Star Trek VI. His name is Ra-ghoratreii and he is an Efrosian. I don't know what he's good for, but it felt wrong not to include him. He's kind of a sissy for not sticking it to the Klingons.



Space Program

Here's a real Star Trek president. His name is Hiram Roth. A Jewish space president? Yeah! While our stinking government cancels the shuttle program because they can't dream, this president doles out reward for dangerous and rebellious activity. It's OK to violate nine starfleet regulations and steal a starship as long as you bring back some whales next time you're in the bay. You'll get 'demoted' to captain and be awarded a pimpin' ride. The exquisite Enterprise NCC1701-A to be precise. Way to govern!

5. Prince Humperdink



Military Strategist

He can track a hawk on a cloudy day. I don't know how useful a trait that is. The hawk is way up in the sky. Is he trying to catch it? What if it goes over a lake or a mountain or something? In any case Humperdink has proved himself to be an able bodied leader who takes his nations military actions into his own hands. Captured insurgents are held at a much more reliable location than Guantanamo Bay. The Pit of Despair is a prime location for extracting information or just plain causing despair. Keen military strategy is nothing without the means to carry it out. That's where the brute squad comes in. Under Humperdink all branches of the military will be condensed into this Brute Squad. They will go around hitting everyone over the head and so forth. The only weaknesses of this military machine will be Holocaust cloaks, wheel barrels, and crippled pirates with infamous reputations.

4. The Empress from The Neverending Story

Unemployment

Times are hard in Fantasia. Whether it's rock biters taking up all the rock biting jobs, or race snails monopolizing the pizza delivery business the job market is competitive. One can't even rely on the Southern Oracle to match their job skills around this joint. For many workers The Nothing is more like the name of their bank accounts. Amiright? The Empress can change all this though. All you have to do is find her and give her a stinking name. So if you're tired of having to settle for a job as a Swamped Horse Corpse Support Representative make your way to the Ivory Tower and yell a name at your Empress. When you come across 'Can you show documentation authorizing you to operate a Luck Dragon?' mark down 'Not that it matters, but yesss'.

3. Prince John and Sir Hiss

The Budget

Taxes! Taxes! Glorious taxes! When it comes to making a balanced budget Prince John knows what to do. The key to not owing another country money is to suck all the money from the peasants. Thankless lot of ungrateful cads from all over the animal kingdom anyway. Also instead of having a National Banking system or a Federal Reserve, Prince John demonstrates the practicability of keeping all of the nation's wealth in his bedroom. While the general public may mourn in their poverty they can still have good cheap fun by dancing around in the woods and putting on puppet shows. Prince John's financial checks and balances consists of a hypnotic snake named Hiss. Nothing like a fingerless serpent to run the calculator.

2. Oswald Cobblepot - The Penguin




Animal Control and Wildlife Conservation

I can't tell you how many times I have been frustrated as a citizen due to some penguin rooting through my trash can at night. I don't know what they're after. Maybe it's the slurpies I keep throwing out or the cod flavored shaved ice. Whatever the case they are a nuisance. I want my government to wrangle these pest up and do something humane with them. Like forming an army of penguins with carnival looking rockets on their backs. Or maybe feeding them steroids so that they can become large enough to be penguin pall-bearers at funerals. I know that Cobblepot is also good with cats and bats. As long as he also has an anti-dog policy I'd say he'd be the perfect candidate.

1. Senatorial representative Jar Jar Binks

World Peace

That's right. If I could put one person in charge of having everyone get along it would be the Binks. I mean he brought together the Gungans and the Naboo like it was nothing. When it comes to a figure that every one can rally around the Binks is supreme. He could run with a slogan like, "Being mean stinks, Vote for Binks". I'll make up some buttons for people to wear. There is a fraction of a small amount of people who don't like Jar Jar. Those people will be hit over the head with a booma and taken to the kaadu ranches to be maid into Soylent Green. After Jar Jar's reign is established, everyone will speak the same broken English high pitched dialect he speaks. It is hard to be a jerk when conversing this way. Soon everyone will get along. Meesa can't wait.

Bonus Glorching -

Nute Gunray

George Lucas's political ideals are not well hidden in his Star Wars movies. A prime example can be seen in the oaf of a politician Nute Gunray. The naming of this character takes shots at 2 American republicans. Speaker of the house Newt Gingrich is obvious. However if you take his last name 'Gunray' and switch it around to make 'ray-gun' you get the name of former Republican president Ronald Reagan who was president during the time Lucas was thinking up the prequels. I wonder what kind of sick satisfaction he got when Darth Vader beheads Nute in ROTS... Not to subtle Georgie Boy.

Super Return Of The Glorch

10 Things I Think Are Super

Su-per [soo-per] -adjective: of the highest degree, power, etc.

One of the laziest prefixes around, super has been abused more times than mega. If you want to say something is greater, larger, more abundant you just go with super. This market is bigger than most, so we'll go with 'supermarket'. That sort of thing. But some super things are actually deserving of the superlative title. I have listed them below. Have a super day.

10. Supersaurus.



Supersaurus is the lesser known relative of diplodocus and apatosaurus. This sauropod lived in the late Jurassic. They grew up to 120 feet long. That's as big as two rail road cars. They weighed up to 40 tons. I am surprised that this dinosaur is not more well known. I guess kids who like dinosaurs pride themselves on being able to pronounce the more difficult dinosaur names. Paleontologists should take more pride in naming them. Supersaurus, ultrasaurus, gigantoraptor, and meglosaurus. If you are superbored look up the term 'Scrotum humanum' and how it relates to the early discovered meglosaurus. Talk about superlazy naming.

9. Super Soaker




Growing up as a poor child I never had a Super Soaker. Also my parents did not like guns, so I didn't really have a squirt gun of any type. Needless to say during summer time if I wasn't near a hose, I would be at the mercy of my enemies. The Super Soaker is on the list because it teaches children at an early age the importance of arms superiority. The Super Soaker itself has many models ranging from basic all the way to battery controlled versions with a gallon tank back-pack. Not even a super accurate hit from a water balloon can compete with that.

8. Superconductor.




Here comes the part where I pretend to know what a superconductor is. As I understand it a superconductor is a material, usually a metal, that can be frozen to a state where electrons can travel through them unhindered. This means such a metal can carry more electricity easier than any other substance without the electricity dissipating or causing heat. If starships or lightsabers where real I'm sure they would have to have a power source that included superconductors. Also, as you can see, superconductivity allows the metal to create a small magnetic field that allows it to hover. Some feel that this property can be expounded on to create an anti gravity vessel, though no practical applications have been made.

7. Superbowl




Ah yes. The Superbowl. Few thing rally the American public like the Superbowl. It began as a championship football game, or some nonsense like that. Since then however it has become an advertising juggernaut of unrivaled scale, truly a super spectacle. Companies pay out the nose to put up their commercials with talking animals and half naked women. 3 hours during a Febuary evening and I know what brands I need to purchase for the whole year. A super addition to the Superbowl has been the halftime show. Superlative performances take over the field for a half hour to lure in those who don't like sports. Too bad that Janet and Justin ruined it with the super embarrassing wardrobe malfunction. Super Geezers would grace the stage for years to follow. Only recently have the Black Eyed Peas replaced the geezers. Their Tron suit are immune to wardrobe malfunction.

6. Superstitions



Mind control is one of those things hard to pull off. The most successful form of mind control are superstitions. The earliest form of superstition came from a cobbler who became upset with the mirror maker who had a shop next to his. He started a rumor that breaking a mirror was bad luck so that people would be extra careful not to break mirrors. Eventually the mirror maker went out of business and the cobbler expanded his own shop. It is very convenient to relieve oneself atop a ladder, so that's where that under the ladder business came from. The black cat superstition was obviously predicated by a bunch of jealous dogs. Kudos for Leeption approving using his likeness for this post!

5. Super Size



One of the greatest portion related controversies of our time, the loss of the super sized fry is a travesty of untold proportions. Or super portions I should say. Apparently fat people were dying because of heart attacks because McDonalds was forcing them to over eat with catchy slogans and advertising. Super Sizing was about value, nothing more. Only $1 more and look how much more I get! It's like winning the food lottery. Fortunately McDonalds has stepped up to the plate in a much sneakier way. Thanks to the $1 menu you can secretly super size your meal by ordering 5 McChickens on the side!

4. Supernova



A supernova is truly deserving of the 'super' title. It happens when a huge star explodes. Supernovas are so epic that they can outshine entire galaxies. The shockwave of a supernova has so much kinetic energy it can form new stars. Some supernovas are so powerful they expel as much energy during that one explosion than the energy that that sun put out during it's whole life time. I like to think of a supernova as a stellar fart. These farts however linger for centuries if not eons.

3. Super Star Destroyer



If anyone knows the value of hierarchical scale it's Darth Vader. In The Empire Stikes Back the Empire is out looking for Luke Skywalker and his Rebel base. Vader's lieutenants show up in their singularly impressive star destroyers. But what is that all encompassing shadow overtaking them? Aww yeah! It's a super star destroyer! The Executor in particular. After escaping Tarkin's doomed super weapon Vader asks Palpatine for the keys to this beast. I guess Palpatine blamed Tarkin for crashing the Death Star. Long story short a super star destroyer is the baddest thing around. Having said that if you shoot it's shield balls off and crash an A-wing into the bridge you will negate it's navigational systems and it will crash into the nearest moon sized space station. I dunno, maybe have a back up navigational system within the star destroyer? Intensify forward fire power!

Super Mario Bros.



Any serious Mario player knows that regular Mario Bros. is nothing but an arcade game wherein you run around the same stage popping up spineys and collecting coins. It wasn't until Mario became Super that he became the quintessential platforming king that he is today. An entire 8-worlded side scrolling multipowered up Mario game truly was super and it set the precedence for upping the video game ante by throwing a super in the mix. The follow up to the NES was even called the Super Nintendo. This caused a wave of Super games. Super Star Wars, Super Bomberman, Supper Smash TV, Super Metroid, and even Super Solitaire. The act of throwing a super in to make a game seem better crossed all platforms. Sega Genesis had Super Fantasy Zone. The first Playstation had Super Adventure Rockman and Super Duper Sumos. The Duper lets you know it's good. Needless to say all the great Mario games have had the Super title, including the most recent Super Mario Galaxy 2.

1. Superman



Is there any question? Superman is the epitome of the word super. Superman is the most enduring super hero in existence. Even more impressive is the fact that his origin has changed so little in 73 years of publication. His story is known the world over as is his iconic logo. Superman has been marketed every way you could imagine and was the first hero to have a Tv show, animated cartoon, or high budget motion picture. Nonsensical science fiction words like "kryptonite" are so well known they have been adopted by people of different languages. Many morons like to complain about Superman and his almost limitless positive attributes and powers. But those people are just jealous stupid suckers. Superman carried the comic book industry on his back for years. He also set the bar for having a successful comic book motion picture. Superman is the foundation for all comics, and if you ask me nerdery in the 20th century onward.

3rd Painting is Done

Sneak Peak - # 3

Originality Is For Suckers

Seven Clones That Are Better Than The Original.


The most tired method of expanding upon a story is to clone one of the characters. This is true especially in science fiction, but it can be found in other genres below. The majority of the time the clone is evil or super lame, but sometime they are stellar. Below are eight examples that I can think of, where the original subject is out classed by the copy.

Calvin



Calvin is great. No denying that. But when he modified a box into a duplicator, the resulting clone was even more excellent than the original.


Calvin's Duplicate




Calvin's duplicate lived by his own rules, thus making him greater. As can be seen in the example above, he cares not for cleaning his room and would rather play outside. His lack of respect toward authority figure is also worthy of praise. Unfortunately the original Calvin had to transmogrify all six of the trouble making duplicates into worms when the story played out. Too bad too. Calvin's Duplicate would have made a fine reoccurring character.

Jango Fett




Ooh shiny. Jango was the best Bounty Hunter in the galaxy, until Mace Windu cut his shiny helmet off while his head was still in it. Fortunately for his legacy Jango requested an un-altered clone for himself shortly before his death. That clone was...

Boba Fett





Jango Fett was Boba Fett. End of story. Lucas just wanted to cash in on not making enough money on Boba Fett the first time around. What to do? Clone Nation! Not only make Jango Fett look exactly like Boba Fett, except for the shiny armor, but also have an entire army of cloned Boba Fetts. Cash city here I come!! In the end though Boba is much better because he has that beat up look and is a more believable bad mother of a bounty hunter.

Stewie

Stewie himself is a fine young man. Smart, whitty, and vulgar he is the full package, or as full a package as a toddler can be. How could he get any better?

Stewie's Clone




When Stewie attempts to clone himself the result is a dumbed down version of the original. Which is most pleasing. "I made some poops" is much funnier than "Blast!" in my opinion. Unfortunately the clone was only seen in one episode in which he was destroyed at the end.

Velociraptor



One of the most discouraging discoveries of paleontology is the fact that velociraptors were more like chickens than giant human-flesh craving lizards. Recent fossils indicate that the dinosaur had feathers on it's heads too. If being the Liberace of the dinosaur world wasn't bad enough, velociraptors were also one of the more undersized of the dromeosaurids.

Jurassic Park's Velociraptor



Bigger, scalier, smarter, and equipped with the desire to consume human flesh, these velociraptors are the better version of the legendary predator. While the novel describes the animal closer to it's actual size, the raptors used in the movie were cloned reptiles on steroids. Everyone knows that dinosaurs with feathers is stupid so were only talking about the raptors in Jurassic Park and The Lost World. The singing feathered ones in that joke of a movie Jurassic Park III were rubbish.

Superman



Superman is great. In fact he is super. Sometimes though he's too good. So as is the case with a couple of the clones mentioned above, things get better when they get dumber...

Bizarro



Bizarro is better than Superman because he's funnier. Luthor's botched attempt at cloning the man of steal resulted in the most amusing character in the DC universe, perhaps except for The Joker. In fact the current, and 3rd iteration of Bizarro was actually created by The Joker, although is not really a "clone" of Superman. So for the intent of this article please reference the Bizarro as he is found in Crisis on Infinite Earths.

The Simpsons

The Simpsons is funny enough I guess, and it's an icon when it comes to animated television programs.

Family Guy

Family Guy is without question a clone of The Simpsons. The structure of the family is almost identical, but the humour of the shows is quite different. Where as The Simpsons was funny enough, too many episode dragged on or focused on boring character development. Family Guy on the other hand is more vulgar and focuses on popular culture references and gimmicks. Quite tasty in my opinion.

William T Riker

Riker is OK. Although in many episodes he can try too hard, for the most part he is a good officer. Capable and reliable are fine qualities in a First Officer, but they get boring.

Thomas Riker

Ah yes, my favorite kind of clone; A transporter accident! In 2361 while serving aboard the USS Potemkin, Riker was being beamed to the surface of Nervala IV. How unfortunate/convinient for the script that Nervala IV was notorious for atmospheric interference that would cause trouble. When trouble did arise a copy of Riker was beamed to the Potemkin while the other was left on the planet. There he stayed until the crew of the USS Enterprise-D discovered him. His experiences had changed him from the boring Riker the crew knew. He was an impulsive, reckless, and womanizing man. Much better I says.

Naked Snake/ Big Boss

An afterthought of an excuse to have a Metal Gear game in the 70s it is revealed that Big Boss was Solid Snakes "dad" and that Solid was a clone. What garbage. Almost as weak as Lucas making Vader Luke's father just to throw in an exciting twist.

Solid Snake

Solid is the original Snake, and much better. The only reason Naked Snake is so cool is because he is the copy of Solid. Same voice, same gameplay, same bandanna. Any positive attribute of Naked Snake must be attributed to Solid. This kind of garbage is identical to the Boba Fett/Jango Fett situation above. Only Lucas had the rare forsight to not make Jango better than the old fan favorite. At least when Solid grew up he turned into a old, wise hero. Not some terrorist punk like Big Boss.

Garbage Time!

These Clones are all garbage. Why would anyone waste their time coming up with them? Use caution if you are talking to someone who appreciates these dreadful knock offs.

Shadow The Hedgehog

He's black, not blue. Not even a true clone, some kind of alien garbage. This Sonic clone carrys a gun and has "attitude". So lame.

Ben Reilly

A clone of Spiderman. Look kids! He wears a hoody with cut off sleeves! He's just like you! Buy 2 copies!

MewTwo

A clone of Mew. It's Pokemon. Who gives two craps?