Friday, April 16, 2010

Future Time!!!

TIME MASTER!
It's time for the newest segment. I have acquired a pair of time traveling goggles from an alien gypsy I ran into while I was showering this morning. The goggles allow me to travel to any point in history, or the future. I just close my eyes and the goggles do all the work. While mastering time could serve my interests and that of humanity, I have chosen them to assist me in unravelling only the most menial issues and personal conundrums. I now invite you to join me on a trip through the space-time continuum. Buckle up!

Star Trek.

One of my primary wonders was, "When is there going to be another decent Star Trek TV program?". I had to travel 6 years into the future to find out. In the year 2016 STAR TREK: RE IMAGINE aired it's first episode. The cast of the show is all CG and the purpose of the show is to illustrate the changes to the Star Trek universe after the effects of the time traveling Darth Maul wannabe, Nero. The shows that focus on Kirks crew focus on how Spock has become a mopey baby because his planet got blowed up. The TNG shows aren't that different, except due to using CG character models Riker isn't fat in season 6. Deep Space Nine was never built in the new universe. Voyager was never lost in the Delta quadrant. As a result, many fan boys have abandoned the new series due to a lack of Seven of Nine. The best thing about the new series is Picard has found a way to travel through time so he goes back and shoots Jonathan Archer in the face, effectively erasing the dreadful STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE series from existence.

Dinosaurs.

I went back in time and found that dinosaurs were not all big feathery chickens, as modern paleontology would lead us to believe. No, the majority are all very reptilian. I also discovered that Tyrannosaurus was not a scavenger, as some would have us believe. To put that theory to rest I filmed a tyrannosaur hunting hadrosaurs with what appeared to be a large sniper rifle. From a distance of 600 meters the Tyrannosaur hit his target with, from my limited knowledge, was a .65mm titanium armor piercing round. Later I found that many other dinosaurs used similar technologies. The materials used in the manufacture of their items were all 100% biodegradable and only had a shelf life of 20-30 years. As a result the factories where the technologies were produced were some of the most profitable enterprises on the planet. Unfortunately for the dinosaurs the only more lucrative product was motion pictures. Every dinosaur went to the theatre and had a home entertainment center. Around 65 million years ago 20,000,000 Century BCE Underdeveloped Mammal's studio released a movie that included a boy wizard AND a girl who like vampires. The movie and it's sequels were so terrible that every dinosaur on the planet convulsed and died within a period of 5 years.

Nintendo

I had to travel many years into the future to witness the next major generation of video game consoles. In the year 2133 Nintendo released the NINTENDO - SONY AND MICROSOFT CAN DIE SLOW system. The children of the time called it the NS&MCDS. The NS&MCDS led to the development of the SONY PLAYSTATION IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN NINTENDO AND MICROSOFT IT'S MIND BOGGLING. This system was affectionately called the PS102. Microsoft then subsequently released the X-BOX 1080 - #@!* THE OTHERS system. Long story short a war broke out, not between nations, but fanboys armed to the teeth with futuristic weapons took to the streets and fought tooth and nail to prove which system was greater. Nintendo would eventually prevail. The Microsoft army lost many battles due to faulty weapons. Their gun would jam and their power supplies would develop Red Rings of death. Sony fanboys would fall shortly after. The battles where often won by Nintendo when entire legions of Sony troops would kneel down and remain inactive for minutes at a time. This process known as "Loading" was a religious ceremony common to the devoted Sony Fanboys. After the dust had settled, in 2150 Nintendo released the Nintendo Entertainment System. It was lauded for it's simple design and powerful processors. Soon after all other video game manufactures were not only obsolete, they were banned.

I'd tell you more about my travels, but we're out of time. How ironic.


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