Go Blazers!

After being blown out in games 2 and 3, the Blazers looked in rough shape. Even I had given in to the belief that the Blazers used all the gas in the tank during game one. But what's this? In game 4 Brandon Roy Skywalker Kenobi came off the bench to score ten points and give the Blazers the emotional boost it took to play 4 quarters of defense and even up the series with the Suns. There will be another game in Portland!

I believe this will go down as one of the top 10 Blazer moments in all of franchise history. No one expected Roy to play, much less be effective on both ends of the floor. I hope the Blazers can steal another one in Phoenix, but if they don't Blazer fans can hold their heads high. The Blazers with every conceivable injury possible have equaled their playoff win total from last year. If they can play two more games with the intensity and defense, they may go on to play the Jazz in the second round.

GO BLAZERS!!!

Jedi Nation!

Future Time!!!

TIME MASTER!

It's time for the newest segment. I have acquired a pair of time traveling goggles from an alien gypsy I ran into while I was showering this morning. The goggles allow me to travel to any point in history, or the future. I just close my eyes and the goggles do all the work. While mastering time could serve my interests and that of humanity, I have chosen them to assist me in unravelling only the most menial issues and personal conundrums. I now invite you to join me on a trip through the space-time continuum. Buckle up!

Star Trek.

One of my primary wonders was, "When is there going to be another decent Star Trek TV program?". I had to travel 6 years into the future to find out. In the year 2016 STAR TREK: RE IMAGINE aired it's first episode. The cast of the show is all CG and the purpose of the show is to illustrate the changes to the Star Trek universe after the effects of the time traveling Darth Maul wannabe, Nero. The shows that focus on Kirks crew focus on how Spock has become a mopey baby because his planet got blowed up. The TNG shows aren't that different, except due to using CG character models Riker isn't fat in season 6. Deep Space Nine was never built in the new universe. Voyager was never lost in the Delta quadrant. As a result, many fan boys have abandoned the new series due to a lack of Seven of Nine. The best thing about the new series is Picard has found a way to travel through time so he goes back and shoots Jonathan Archer in the face, effectively erasing the dreadful STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE series from existence.

Dinosaurs.

I went back in time and found that dinosaurs were not all big feathery chickens, as modern paleontology would lead us to believe. No, the majority are all very reptilian. I also discovered that Tyrannosaurus was not a scavenger, as some would have us believe. To put that theory to rest I filmed a tyrannosaur hunting hadrosaurs with what appeared to be a large sniper rifle. From a distance of 600 meters the Tyrannosaur hit his target with, from my limited knowledge, was a .65mm titanium armor piercing round. Later I found that many other dinosaurs used similar technologies. The materials used in the manufacture of their items were all 100% biodegradable and only had a shelf life of 20-30 years. As a result the factories where the technologies were produced were some of the most profitable enterprises on the planet. Unfortunately for the dinosaurs the only more lucrative product was motion pictures. Every dinosaur went to the theatre and had a home entertainment center. Around 65 million years ago 20,000,000 Century BCE Underdeveloped Mammal's studio released a movie that included a boy wizard AND a girl who like vampires. The movie and it's sequels were so terrible that every dinosaur on the planet convulsed and died within a period of 5 years.

Nintendo

I had to travel many years into the future to witness the next major generation of video game consoles. In the year 2133 Nintendo released the NINTENDO - SONY AND MICROSOFT CAN DIE SLOW system. The children of the time called it the NS&MCDS. The NS&MCDS led to the development of the SONY PLAYSTATION IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN NINTENDO AND MICROSOFT IT'S MIND BOGGLING. This system was affectionately called the PS102. Microsoft then subsequently released the X-BOX 1080 - #@!* THE OTHERS system. Long story short a war broke out, not between nations, but fanboys armed to the teeth with futuristic weapons took to the streets and fought tooth and nail to prove which system was greater. Nintendo would eventually prevail. The Microsoft army lost many battles due to faulty weapons. Their gun would jam and their power supplies would develop Red Rings of death. Sony fanboys would fall shortly after. The battles where often won by Nintendo when entire legions of Sony troops would kneel down and remain inactive for minutes at a time. This process known as "Loading" was a religious ceremony common to the devoted Sony Fanboys. After the dust had settled, in 2150 Nintendo released the Nintendo Entertainment System. It was lauded for it's simple design and powerful processors. Soon after all other video game manufactures were not only obsolete, they were banned.

I'd tell you more about my travels, but we're out of time. How ironic.

The Doctor is In

Greetings gentlemen. Trying to bag your lady fair, but your moves aint workin'? Don't fear, the LOVE DR. is here. Just sick back and do everything I say and you'll be in like a dirty shirt. Which will be ok because you'll have a woman around to do the laundry.

The Pipe

The first thing you need to do is grab a pipe. Ladies can't resist a man who smells strongly of burning tobacco. Afraid of lung cancer? Worry not, just fill the pipe with any substance of your choice. Personally I like to grind up Crunch Berries and feed on them through the pipe through out the course of the date. Just be sure not to blow on the pipe. A cloud of Crunch Berrie dust can scare away the lady.

The Ride

Chicks love a set of wheels. They also love a man who knows a deal when they see one. Trade your van in for a moped straight up and witness how women become weak at the knees. Your economic wisdom will be all to apparent once they see you can get 80 miles to the gallon on your "hog". That means you'll have more money to give them for purses, makeup, and all other sorts of things ladies buy.

The Grill

Women like a little bite with your bark. A man that's all talk gets tiresome and dull. Install a pair of steel clamps where your teeth used to be as a symbol of your ability. Sure you may not be able to pronounce certain words, and you may become ill due to sucking on metal for an extended period of time, but wait until you need to bite through a metal cable or something like that. You'll have the tools for the job. Chicks love a handy man!

The Moves

Aww yeah! What chick can resist a daring escape/duel with a thug? No chick, that's who. Now to do this correctly you would need a flux capacitor and a DeLorean. However a flux capacitor is fictional and DeLoreans go for $15,000. So just head down to Fred Meyer and slap a random guy over the head with what ever is on sale in the meat department. As he chases you around the store be sure to use random objects as skateboards or distractions. Lead the dude into the Garden Center and be sure he falls in a pile of fertilizer. Bingo! Just make sure your mom from the past isn't watching. She may think you're an absolute dream and ask you to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

Be Good With Kids

Some little jerk telling you a Velociraptor looks like a six foot turkey? Instead of pretending to gut the child with a dull fossil, warm up to the child. Tell him how special he is and that he's better than the other children. Shower him with candy and toys. Ladies dig it when they see this sort of activity. Having said that, if you come face to face with a genetically engineered Tyranosaur don't waste your time/energy saving children. Use the children as distractions as you make a dash for the nearest fortified building.

Dress Like Barney Rubble

Trust me. This works.

Sport an Injury

There's nothing like getting mauled by a wampa and spending a couple days in a bacta container to attract the ladies. Women are nurturers by nature and love to take care of others. Use this to your advantage and slam your hand in a car door on the way to your date. Wrap the wound in an old sock and secure it with duct tape. Once she sees your injury, and you inability to address it properly, her focus will be drawn away from your other short comings as she plays nurse for the week. Careful with this one though. If Mr. Lucas is in charge of your biography, your sister may plant one on you.

The Stache

Hmmmm. So fine. Ladies love a mustache. 'Specially if you have a mane of curly hair and a panache for mimicking popular music. Another route is the Mushroom Kingdom 'stache. Nothing says "Hero" like a mustache, red hat, and overalls. Don't worry about the mess. Women love it when you kiss them and they can taste what you had for lunch 3 days ago.

Hold a Gun Barrell Dangerously Close to Your Face

It's a no-brainer. Get it?

Musk Up

This one is the most important. You can never use too much. That's key. Whether you go the cologne route, or buy the more trendy body sprays for 14 year-olds quantity over quality. You see when a woman can breathe she has the ability to make informed decisions regarding whom she will and will not mate with. By suffocating her in fumes you effectively deprive her brain of oxygen making her ripe for the picking.

You're now ready boys. Go get 'em!