Originality Is For Suckers

Seven Clones That Are Better Than The Original.


The most tired method of expanding upon a story is to clone one of the characters. This is true especially in science fiction, but it can be found in other genres below. The majority of the time the clone is evil or super lame, but sometime they are stellar. Below are eight examples that I can think of, where the original subject is out classed by the copy.

Calvin



Calvin is great. No denying that. But when he modified a box into a duplicator, the resulting clone was even more excellent than the original.


Calvin's Duplicate




Calvin's duplicate lived by his own rules, thus making him greater. As can be seen in the example above, he cares not for cleaning his room and would rather play outside. His lack of respect toward authority figure is also worthy of praise. Unfortunately the original Calvin had to transmogrify all six of the trouble making duplicates into worms when the story played out. Too bad too. Calvin's Duplicate would have made a fine reoccurring character.

Jango Fett




Ooh shiny. Jango was the best Bounty Hunter in the galaxy, until Mace Windu cut his shiny helmet off while his head was still in it. Fortunately for his legacy Jango requested an un-altered clone for himself shortly before his death. That clone was...

Boba Fett





Jango Fett was Boba Fett. End of story. Lucas just wanted to cash in on not making enough money on Boba Fett the first time around. What to do? Clone Nation! Not only make Jango Fett look exactly like Boba Fett, except for the shiny armor, but also have an entire army of cloned Boba Fetts. Cash city here I come!! In the end though Boba is much better because he has that beat up look and is a more believable bad mother of a bounty hunter.

Stewie

Stewie himself is a fine young man. Smart, whitty, and vulgar he is the full package, or as full a package as a toddler can be. How could he get any better?

Stewie's Clone




When Stewie attempts to clone himself the result is a dumbed down version of the original. Which is most pleasing. "I made some poops" is much funnier than "Blast!" in my opinion. Unfortunately the clone was only seen in one episode in which he was destroyed at the end.

Velociraptor



One of the most discouraging discoveries of paleontology is the fact that velociraptors were more like chickens than giant human-flesh craving lizards. Recent fossils indicate that the dinosaur had feathers on it's heads too. If being the Liberace of the dinosaur world wasn't bad enough, velociraptors were also one of the more undersized of the dromeosaurids.

Jurassic Park's Velociraptor



Bigger, scalier, smarter, and equipped with the desire to consume human flesh, these velociraptors are the better version of the legendary predator. While the novel describes the animal closer to it's actual size, the raptors used in the movie were cloned reptiles on steroids. Everyone knows that dinosaurs with feathers is stupid so were only talking about the raptors in Jurassic Park and The Lost World. The singing feathered ones in that joke of a movie Jurassic Park III were rubbish.

Superman



Superman is great. In fact he is super. Sometimes though he's too good. So as is the case with a couple of the clones mentioned above, things get better when they get dumber...

Bizarro



Bizarro is better than Superman because he's funnier. Luthor's botched attempt at cloning the man of steal resulted in the most amusing character in the DC universe, perhaps except for The Joker. In fact the current, and 3rd iteration of Bizarro was actually created by The Joker, although is not really a "clone" of Superman. So for the intent of this article please reference the Bizarro as he is found in Crisis on Infinite Earths.

The Simpsons

The Simpsons is funny enough I guess, and it's an icon when it comes to animated television programs.

Family Guy

Family Guy is without question a clone of The Simpsons. The structure of the family is almost identical, but the humour of the shows is quite different. Where as The Simpsons was funny enough, too many episode dragged on or focused on boring character development. Family Guy on the other hand is more vulgar and focuses on popular culture references and gimmicks. Quite tasty in my opinion.

William T Riker

Riker is OK. Although in many episodes he can try too hard, for the most part he is a good officer. Capable and reliable are fine qualities in a First Officer, but they get boring.

Thomas Riker

Ah yes, my favorite kind of clone; A transporter accident! In 2361 while serving aboard the USS Potemkin, Riker was being beamed to the surface of Nervala IV. How unfortunate/convinient for the script that Nervala IV was notorious for atmospheric interference that would cause trouble. When trouble did arise a copy of Riker was beamed to the Potemkin while the other was left on the planet. There he stayed until the crew of the USS Enterprise-D discovered him. His experiences had changed him from the boring Riker the crew knew. He was an impulsive, reckless, and womanizing man. Much better I says.

Naked Snake/ Big Boss

An afterthought of an excuse to have a Metal Gear game in the 70s it is revealed that Big Boss was Solid Snakes "dad" and that Solid was a clone. What garbage. Almost as weak as Lucas making Vader Luke's father just to throw in an exciting twist.

Solid Snake

Solid is the original Snake, and much better. The only reason Naked Snake is so cool is because he is the copy of Solid. Same voice, same gameplay, same bandanna. Any positive attribute of Naked Snake must be attributed to Solid. This kind of garbage is identical to the Boba Fett/Jango Fett situation above. Only Lucas had the rare forsight to not make Jango better than the old fan favorite. At least when Solid grew up he turned into a old, wise hero. Not some terrorist punk like Big Boss.

Garbage Time!

These Clones are all garbage. Why would anyone waste their time coming up with them? Use caution if you are talking to someone who appreciates these dreadful knock offs.

Shadow The Hedgehog

He's black, not blue. Not even a true clone, some kind of alien garbage. This Sonic clone carrys a gun and has "attitude". So lame.

Ben Reilly

A clone of Spiderman. Look kids! He wears a hoody with cut off sleeves! He's just like you! Buy 2 copies!

MewTwo

A clone of Mew. It's Pokemon. Who gives two craps?

Cover The Children's Eyes.

E3 2010 - Glorch Reactions

E3 2010 - Crouch's Take.

They key component of E3 is expectations. Gamer expect a steady dose of technological advancements and game play evolutions. This year all I wanted was for Nintendo not to look like the stunted older brother going against the taller, stronger, younger brother in a football match. I knew of the 3Ds, but I feared that Nintendo would just offer a new version of the current DS with some gimmicky 3D technique.For Microsoft I new that "Natal" would be big. I figured they would have Halo and Gears of War hooked up to it. For Sony I didn't know what to think. Maybe a PSP to compete with the 3DS, or maybe a new announcement about their Wii Mote knock off. Here's how it went down.

Sony & Microsoft - Grabbing Nintendo's Coat Tails With Both Hands



"You mean you use your hands? That a kid's game!" Much like the young Cafe 80's patrons of the year 2015 Microsoft is of the mind that controllers are going to be phased out. And boy did they want to let you know.



The above diagram show Microsoft marketing strategies for the newly named "Kinect". The motion capturing device is an impressive feat. What did they have to showcase it? A bunch of Wii game rip offs. The company known best for hardcore shooters showed a line up of the same games that they ridiculed the Wii for. The stage demonstrations did not even use the Kinect. Rather actors simulated the experience. No price was announced, but most believe the device will cost around $150. Due to the release of a new slimmer edgy 360 that means Kinect will cost as much as the original console is going for brand new. With all of the other $$$ sucking items you have to purchase to enjoy the 360, I don't see this ending well. The rest of the time Microsoft showed more of the same. Shooters made for American males ages 12-35. Rinse and repeat.

Then there was Sony. I am a proud PS3 owner, and as far as HD gaming I don't think it gets much better. They focused on Move for teh majority of the show. Wah wah. The thing is a Wii Mote with a tumor. It works like one and is one. They will go around $50 a piece, so if you don't own a Wii and have the undying need to have your motions controlled I guess you could pick one up. The thing is the tech is almost 4 years old now. Wii games may not be as pretty, but they are cheaper and the good ones all ready do it as well as it can be done.



All in all, Sony and Microsoft just announced further details on items you already knew were coming. Nothing new to really speak of. That doesn't mean I didn't get excited for any of the games coming out. There was one.

Marvel Vs. Capcom 3



Never before has there been game play videos that make me feel the way these did. It almost is too much to just watch. The game doesn't come out for another year and yet I yearn so badly to employ Chris Redfield's arsenal finisher. By the look of it, this is a game that delivers everything a sequel should be. It's a good thing too, since it's been 10 years since MVC2. Of all the games for 360/PS3 this is the only one that is a must play the day it is released.



Nintendo's Renaissance

The last 5-6 years Nintendo has been the butt of jokes and ridicule for their childish games and lack of online support. As a fanboy I just had to sit by and watch as I played a couple solid Nintendo titles each year. This year Nintendo unloaded the mother lode. Not for the Wii, but for a whole new console. There were some good Wii games though...

Donkey Kong Country Returns



There hasn't been a proper sequel to the first Donkey Kong Country game. The two "sequels" on SNES didn't even have Donkey Kong as a playable character! Donkey Kong 64 was a decent platformer, but the 64's abilities didn't lend itself to the beautiful 2D backgrounds of the other games. The Game cube turned DK into a barrel banging mascot, and the Wii has had him in some experimental motion controlled games. This announcement was out of no where. Of all the things fan boys cry for and whine about, DKC was not one of them.

This game however, looks fantastic. It's being developed by the same team that helmed the praised Metroid Prime series. The screen shots show a great looking platformer that resembles the first game's sense of style. I didn't see this one coming, but am excited to return to a game that is super nostalgic.

The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword



When the new Zelda game was announced last year I figured the game would be a Twilight Princess style game with added Motion Plus support. How pleasing the actual game is. not a cartoon, but not photo realistic, the game looks amazing. It looks like what playing a Zelda game should be. The Motion Plus aspect also makes this the first real reason to purchase the add on device, almost a year after that was introduced. This sounds like a must play, at least 40 hour gameplay journey.

Goldeneye Wii



This one certainly doesn't fall under the category of game fanboys never requested. Every 1st person shooter for the last 15 years has been compared to the one that did it the best. Goldeneye 64 is the best fps out there. The last generation saw the sadly realized effort of Goldeneye Rogue Agent released by EA. An Hd version of the classic was ported to the 360 last year, but was not a sequel. This game has the daunting task of living up to the original. When you add on top of that Wii controls, I don't have a hard time thinking this could fall flat on it's face. However, based on the screens I've seen it looks like it may do the trick. We'll have to wait and see. The one thing I do know is that Daniel Craig's Bond movies are better, but having him replace Pierce Brosnan for this game is a mistake.

So while my Wii had been sitting on the shelf for a while, I am glad Mario Galaxy 2 made me dust it off. The majority of the console games coming out in the future that grab my interest are going to be on the Wii.

Nintendo is looking tough already, but the reason they blew the competition out of the water this year is because while the others are shoveling motion sensing tech and shooter sequels out, Nintendo released more details on their new, stronger, cooler, and 3Der handheld.

The 3DS

Wider screens? Check. Joystick? Check. Higher quality graphics? Check. No one expected the 3D technology to be that impressive, but from reports I have read the 3D effect is genuine and not cheap looking. That in itself would have been enough to convince me, but I don't think anyone was ready for the slew of awesome first party and third party titles that were announced.

Animal Crossing

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Metal Gear Solid: Naked Sample

Resident Evil: Revelations

Paper Mario 3D

Mario Kart 3DS

Star Fox 64 3DS!!

I doubt anyone will have the money to purchase and play all of those titles, so let's hope they trickle out over a period of time. No release date was announced, but I would say that March 2011 and a price tag of $250 is what we can expect. The games will probably jump up $5 and cost $40 a piece. A portable Game Cube would have sold me, but it looks like we're getting a portable GameCube with 3D graphics, enhanced Wifi abilities, 3 Cameras, and the best line up of release titles I've ever seen. Better start saving the pennies.

SEPTER OF POWER SIGHTING!

Have You Seen This Man?



Last seen holding The Scepter of Power at a private residence. If you see this man do not engage. Leave the premesis and notify local law enforcement. Good Day.

Super Review : MGS Peacewalker

METAL GEAR SOLID : PEACEWALKER - Review

Is this walk worth taking?

For those without enough taste/foresight to be playing Super Mario Galaxy 2 on the Wii, there is a major release coming from Sony. The next game in the Metal Gear saga will be released on the PSP tomorrow. In anticipation and recognition of my journalistic talents Sony sent me a personal copy last month. I have completed the game and here are my impressions.

First of all, my hat goes of to Sony for taking the bold step of diversifying lead characters in video games. Early on in this prequel we find out that Big Boss, the lead character, is in fact homosexual. This fact is harped on in many of the cut scenes, but does not appear in the actual game play. While I do not condone Big Boss's choice of sexual preference, I appreciate Sony having the flexibility to add a layer of depth to one of their trademark characters.

Big Boss = Portable sized homosexual.

After learning of Big Boss liking boys I turned my attention to game play. It was rubbish. Using the PSP's d-pad to control Big Boss was painful. He walked around like a stooge and would never go where I wanted him to go. The weapon select function is also lacking. You can't switch weapons without going back to the main menu and select "Gun switcher". You then have to sort through 3 or 4 menus to find the gun you want and then load your game again. The only thing that functions well is the stealth. The enemy AI is so poor they can't seem to ever see you until you stomp on their toes.

You can hide if you want, but they never see you.

In conclusion you will need alot of patience and a disregard for the council found at 1 Corinthians 6:9 to enjoy this average title.

I give this one 2 Glorching Gators out of 5.

Glorch Leage : Alpha Mission

The Abysmal League of Glorch's

and the Scepter of Power.

Once formed the League needed to establish headquarters. Weasel dwelled on a hill overlooking the city. It was agreed they would use his rental for a base of operation. The official headquarters was based in the shed outside of his home, but the shed was old and not insulated. For those reasons team meetings often moved inside. Things started off slow. The team was so talented criminals in the area were no match for them. In fact all the team did was play video games.

Meanwhile deep in the city an unknown villain lurked. When I saw deep I mean about a block away, and when I say lurked I mean sat on his couch. None the less this villain, unknown to The League at the time, meant great harm to the city. This villain's name was Le Chump.

While playing the newest, and greatest game they had ever played the league laughed and drank beer. Spirits were high. Unknown to them an ancient scepter controlled the content of all games. In order for some games to be good, a good portion had to be rubbish. This scepter controlled that balance. The scepter was formed in Tokyo in the late 70's and had been held safely there in a vault. Each year the major video game makers would open the vault and activate the scepter's powers. The scepter would reveal to them the correct balance and they would develop their game accordingly.

A month ago Le Chump, with his unnatural athletic abilities and limited knowledge of Japanese vaults, stole the scepter and brought it back to Oregon. On his couch he examined the scepter in order to unlock it's secrets. The scepter was not heavy. It was about a meter long with a hollow bottom. The head of the scepter consisted of a decorated finial and a Sonic the Hedgehog doll. There were no buttons, and no clues as to how to activate the scepter. Le Chump pondered. He pondered and pondered, and then it came to him. If one solitary thing represented how great and yet how garbage video games could be, it was Sonic the Hedgehog. Using made up technology and fictional science, Le Chump welded a copy of Sonic the Hedgehog for Sega Genesis to the base of the staff. He also attached a copy of the Sonic the Hedgehog game for XBOX 360 to the top of the staff. It was complete.

In order to activate the staff's power Le Chump had to do Sonic's patented Spin Jump. Fortunately Le Chump loved to flip and had a trampoline in his back yard. He waited until nightfall and then set his plan in motion.

This was the very evening The League had began to play the newest, most entertaining, highly regarded video game of the year. The multiplayer action was fast and furious. All member played, except for the Smarmy Bullet. His upbringing in the forest did not lend itself to video games. So he remained on the porch as a sentinel, his sniper rifle in hand. It was quiet for a time, and then Swarms heard a number of cries from the living room. He rushed in to find the rest of The League grimacing in pain, their controllers lay on the floor beside them. He asked what was wrong. Acerbic Avenger spoke first;

"This game reminds me of a dump I took 3 weeks ago after trying Taco Bell's 5-layer burrito"

Weasel cried out next, "No kidding! This game was so good and now it is terrible!". Specs added,"The frame rate was fine, but then the graphics started to blink on and off!". Brutal Mist added the final comment, " Me love games, but this one no good no more!"

Justin, or Smarmy Bullet, examined the situation and then stepped back outside. Through the trees he could see a bright light coming from a near by house. He brought his sniper's scope to his eye and he saw it. Some red-headed goon was jumping on a trampoline, flipping end over end. The bright light came from a golden scepter the man had in his hand. He turned to go into the house and gave the team the news. Everyone agreed it was time to suit up and investigate.

Cory had modified his 4 door sedan into the team's ride. The only modification he had yet to add was to have the car's tires shoot flames when the vehicle reached 88 miles per hour. A trivial modification, but specs was pleased by it. The Acerbic Avenger was able to test the cars new ability within the 3 block they traveled. It worked. Weasel, sitting in the back and in the middle feared for his life as David took the corners at unreasonable speeds. Once arriving at their destination, the Avenger explained that the gem had made him a more aggressive driver and apologized to the team.

The night's breeze blew on Weasel's bare legs as the team made their way to the back yard where the crazed man jumped with the staff. Specs modified a stun grenade to track a leaping target and handed it to Smarms. Smarms aimed for the goon and fired. Weasel got out a bottle of Misty Mountain and held it to Jame's nose. He transformed into the Brutal Mist as the Acerbic Avenger gave the order to go and detain the now stunned goon. The Mist jogged, not ran but jogged, over to the fallen target and held him down as the rest of the team gathered around him. Weasel got down on his hands and knees and sniffed the suspect.

"He smells like sweat and chicken, but He's unarmed", said Weasel. Specs picked up the staff off the ground. He looked at it and had a good idea of what it was. He unfolded his portable PC and brought up some information on the net. As the suspect still lay stunned under BM's weight, the team anxiously waited for an explanation.

"It's the Scepter of Power", explained Cory. "What you see here is a mythic item thought to be used for years by the leaders of video game developers. It has been used to balance the amount of great games to come out over the years". Brutal Mist gave a look of puzzlement, "Why is my boy Sonic on that staff, and what does this have to do with our game? Mist want answers!!!"

"Calm yourself Mist!", shouted the Acerbic Avenger, "Specs is it possible that this mystery goon has used this staff to affect our game, and maybe even all the games in the world?" Specs explained that that was not only possible, but was in fact what was happening. The team felt that it was time for answers. Specs modified a bullet with an adrenaline epoxy and gave it to Smarms. Smarms shot the red-headed villain in the bum. The villain woke up with such force that Mist flew into the air and landed on the trampoline. The suddenly awake villain charged at Smarms. Smarms reached for his shotgun but was too slow. He flew backwards and was knocked out cold. The red headed menace turned his attention to Weasel and Specs and AA hid behind a large tree.

They watched as Weasel ran circles around the enraged man. The man would not give up the pursuit and they watched as it continued. Specs said, "You know David, your abilities are kind of worthless to the team. Here, I've made this for you. Throw it over your shoulder and attach it to the gem". The Avenger took the belt like device and did as he was instructed. "Well, a fat lot of help this is..." As soon as those words left Acid's mouth a herd of holographic fat women appeared in front of him. The holographic herd headed toward Weasel and his attacker. Weasel lept away as the fat women clobbered the villain. After he lay on the ground, again unconscious, the herd dissipated. "How was that possible?", asked the Avenger. "Simple", said Specs, " I analyzed that gem and found that it's ability's would allow for a holographic representation of your insults to become manifest. Simply activate the gem, think of something snide, repeat it and the belt will do the rest." Acerbic Avenger paused. "If they are holograms, how did they bull over that man?" Specs put his palm to his face. "It's like the Holodeck, Cerb. It's like the Holodeck."

That evening The League had the villain, who identified himself as "Le Chump", arrested and locked away. Specs and Weasel were able to disassemble the staff and restore balance to the world of video games. Smarms spent a night in the hospital, but was able to score a date with a hot nurse before his stay was over. James reverted from his Mist form and awoke on that trampoline 2 days later with a headache. He dreamed of Sonic and large women. In the end the team was flown out to Japan where they restored to the vault and received medals from Sony and Nintendo. Everything was grand until David said the Japanese all looked happy little gerbils. Although the hologram only lasted a few minutes, the team were sent home and asked not to return.

END!