Top 10 Reasons to Marry Hamby

Top 10 Reasons to Marry Hamby

The week of the unholiest of unions is upon us friends and soon the tie that binds will be firmly clamped to the Hambone's neck. In observance of this event I have compiled a list of 10 reasons why this action is a good move on any lady's part. As a side note, I tried to think of 11, but my brain started to hurt after 8. Here's the list and the order of the list that it's in;

10. Pest Control

Nobody likes bugs, and no bugs like Jame's choice of music. The same can be said of rats, roaches, possums, and certain breeds of small children. This can be useful as maintaining a house hold is hard enough with out the threat of pests. If you see any bugs or rodents, just make a grab for any of Jame's 1,000 of CDs. The sounds that emit from the likes of Aaron Lewis' mouth will scare them away, or drive them to suicide. Win.

9. Undying Love for Sonic

Some snooty chicks would say a devotion to the mascot of a failed video game hardware company would be a bad thing. Untrue. Marriage is about staying together "for better or for worse". There is no greater example of this than Sonic and his dismal games. Just like is the case with many marriages, things start off great and everything is fine. A couples years into things however things go down the tubes. It takes a special kind of man to put up with such garbage and still have a love for the main character. So even if as you get older your arms get long and stupid and your games are clunky and poorly conceived, James will still love you.

8. The Ride

A real lady knows how to be transported in style. Look no further than this '89 Camry. This is a stock image of the vehicle, but be assured Hamby's unit has alot of upgrades that make the ride worth your time. Do you like yard sales? This vehicle has everything you would want to see at a yard sale. Grab an item from the back and make Hamby an offer. Also you will find a plenitude of theocratic materials scattered through out for all of your spiritual needs. Finally if you get thirsty, reach under the seat. There is a 97.3% chance you will retrieve a Mt Dew. 73.9% chance it will be a half drank liter of Code Red.

7. Fashion Sense (Or Lack Thereof)

Having people come up to you and want to talk is a pain. A large pain. Hanging out with Hamby solves this problem the majority of the time. His choice of clothing can be so unsavory that many people, whether they know you or not, will avoid you. This is a major convenience when grocery shopping, going to a sporting event, or just walking around in public. Don't worry, you can still dress appropriately, Hamby's Wrestling shirt under a Hawaiian shirt coupled with tight shorts is sure to be the first thing any potential Stop and Chatters see.

6. Move Some Stuff.

Women like to rearrange things. Funny thing is many women lack the strength to accomplish this feat on their own. That's where Hamby comes in. He ain't as strong as he might look, but he is as big as most dressers and knows how to use his size. So if you want the kitchen table in the dining room, or want the couch moved to the patio Hamby is set to do it for you. Just plan a week in advance. He will need that amount of time to procrastinate.

5. Economy Boost

Lone wolf Hamby has no honey do list. He doesn't fix faucets, whittle wood, drive screws, change oil, or anything else popularized by Tim Allen on the dismal Home Improvement. So prepare to have a fund to pay all manner of plumbers, handy men, carpenters, executive assistants, and circus freaks. Unless Sony comes out with a Man Chores game on Ps3 those will be your only option to repair or improve anything that doesn't have a screw on cap and a label that reads 80 proof.

4. He Didn't Kill His Wife.

An overlooked compatibility issue for sure. Hamby hasn't had a wife, ergo he hasn't killed one. Having said that, Hamby also is a baby and couldn't take the sight of blood. His only option to kill his spouse then, would be poison. Stay away from anti freeze colored Gatorade and you should make it.

3. Bowser Rage

A key feature of having a husband is the protector aspect. What will you do if you are trapped with a mugger in an ally and your husband is the only guy around? Will he save you? In Hamby's case all you need is a "Smash Ball". Begin to insult his mother, Spiderman, Sonic, Snake, Wrestling, and Lake Tahoe and he will go into a Bowser Rage! I fell sorry for the attacker that Hamby mistakes for the story writer who helmed Spiderman 3.

2. He Thinks Wrasslin' is Real

This is a biggy. On it's own belief such as this would be an immediate sign not to marry said individual. However when you break it down psychologically it becomes a key aspect to any prospective mate. Think about it, if you ever want to embezzle the family's finances, cheat on your spouse, or start an expensive and debilitating drug habit, a gullible mate helps. There is no more gullible fashion of man than a Wrasslin Fan. If a man believes a steroided up high school drop out that runs around in his underwear constantly gets beat up and hits with chairs only to come back next Monday at Eight, Nine Central for another beating, then he will believe anything that comes out of your mouth.

1. Life Insurance.

Hamby has it. I've watched enough Snapped to know that eventually every wife wants to murder their husband. They come up with alot of creative methods of accomplishing this, but one factor remains the same. Life insurance money. You have it and your wife wants it. Whether it's to finance a vacation with another man or to pad a gambling addiction, women love cash. I don't know how much you'll get if you knock off Hamby, but depending on how many times he tells you to get in the kitchen and make him a sandwich, you may not care.

Go Blazers!

After being blown out in games 2 and 3, the Blazers looked in rough shape. Even I had given in to the belief that the Blazers used all the gas in the tank during game one. But what's this? In game 4 Brandon Roy Skywalker Kenobi came off the bench to score ten points and give the Blazers the emotional boost it took to play 4 quarters of defense and even up the series with the Suns. There will be another game in Portland!

I believe this will go down as one of the top 10 Blazer moments in all of franchise history. No one expected Roy to play, much less be effective on both ends of the floor. I hope the Blazers can steal another one in Phoenix, but if they don't Blazer fans can hold their heads high. The Blazers with every conceivable injury possible have equaled their playoff win total from last year. If they can play two more games with the intensity and defense, they may go on to play the Jazz in the second round.

GO BLAZERS!!!

Jedi Nation!

Future Time!!!

TIME MASTER!

It's time for the newest segment. I have acquired a pair of time traveling goggles from an alien gypsy I ran into while I was showering this morning. The goggles allow me to travel to any point in history, or the future. I just close my eyes and the goggles do all the work. While mastering time could serve my interests and that of humanity, I have chosen them to assist me in unravelling only the most menial issues and personal conundrums. I now invite you to join me on a trip through the space-time continuum. Buckle up!

Star Trek.

One of my primary wonders was, "When is there going to be another decent Star Trek TV program?". I had to travel 6 years into the future to find out. In the year 2016 STAR TREK: RE IMAGINE aired it's first episode. The cast of the show is all CG and the purpose of the show is to illustrate the changes to the Star Trek universe after the effects of the time traveling Darth Maul wannabe, Nero. The shows that focus on Kirks crew focus on how Spock has become a mopey baby because his planet got blowed up. The TNG shows aren't that different, except due to using CG character models Riker isn't fat in season 6. Deep Space Nine was never built in the new universe. Voyager was never lost in the Delta quadrant. As a result, many fan boys have abandoned the new series due to a lack of Seven of Nine. The best thing about the new series is Picard has found a way to travel through time so he goes back and shoots Jonathan Archer in the face, effectively erasing the dreadful STAR TREK: ENTERPRISE series from existence.

Dinosaurs.

I went back in time and found that dinosaurs were not all big feathery chickens, as modern paleontology would lead us to believe. No, the majority are all very reptilian. I also discovered that Tyrannosaurus was not a scavenger, as some would have us believe. To put that theory to rest I filmed a tyrannosaur hunting hadrosaurs with what appeared to be a large sniper rifle. From a distance of 600 meters the Tyrannosaur hit his target with, from my limited knowledge, was a .65mm titanium armor piercing round. Later I found that many other dinosaurs used similar technologies. The materials used in the manufacture of their items were all 100% biodegradable and only had a shelf life of 20-30 years. As a result the factories where the technologies were produced were some of the most profitable enterprises on the planet. Unfortunately for the dinosaurs the only more lucrative product was motion pictures. Every dinosaur went to the theatre and had a home entertainment center. Around 65 million years ago 20,000,000 Century BCE Underdeveloped Mammal's studio released a movie that included a boy wizard AND a girl who like vampires. The movie and it's sequels were so terrible that every dinosaur on the planet convulsed and died within a period of 5 years.

Nintendo

I had to travel many years into the future to witness the next major generation of video game consoles. In the year 2133 Nintendo released the NINTENDO - SONY AND MICROSOFT CAN DIE SLOW system. The children of the time called it the NS&MCDS. The NS&MCDS led to the development of the SONY PLAYSTATION IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN NINTENDO AND MICROSOFT IT'S MIND BOGGLING. This system was affectionately called the PS102. Microsoft then subsequently released the X-BOX 1080 - #@!* THE OTHERS system. Long story short a war broke out, not between nations, but fanboys armed to the teeth with futuristic weapons took to the streets and fought tooth and nail to prove which system was greater. Nintendo would eventually prevail. The Microsoft army lost many battles due to faulty weapons. Their gun would jam and their power supplies would develop Red Rings of death. Sony fanboys would fall shortly after. The battles where often won by Nintendo when entire legions of Sony troops would kneel down and remain inactive for minutes at a time. This process known as "Loading" was a religious ceremony common to the devoted Sony Fanboys. After the dust had settled, in 2150 Nintendo released the Nintendo Entertainment System. It was lauded for it's simple design and powerful processors. Soon after all other video game manufactures were not only obsolete, they were banned.

I'd tell you more about my travels, but we're out of time. How ironic.

The Doctor is In

Greetings gentlemen. Trying to bag your lady fair, but your moves aint workin'? Don't fear, the LOVE DR. is here. Just sick back and do everything I say and you'll be in like a dirty shirt. Which will be ok because you'll have a woman around to do the laundry.

The Pipe

The first thing you need to do is grab a pipe. Ladies can't resist a man who smells strongly of burning tobacco. Afraid of lung cancer? Worry not, just fill the pipe with any substance of your choice. Personally I like to grind up Crunch Berries and feed on them through the pipe through out the course of the date. Just be sure not to blow on the pipe. A cloud of Crunch Berrie dust can scare away the lady.

The Ride

Chicks love a set of wheels. They also love a man who knows a deal when they see one. Trade your van in for a moped straight up and witness how women become weak at the knees. Your economic wisdom will be all to apparent once they see you can get 80 miles to the gallon on your "hog". That means you'll have more money to give them for purses, makeup, and all other sorts of things ladies buy.

The Grill

Women like a little bite with your bark. A man that's all talk gets tiresome and dull. Install a pair of steel clamps where your teeth used to be as a symbol of your ability. Sure you may not be able to pronounce certain words, and you may become ill due to sucking on metal for an extended period of time, but wait until you need to bite through a metal cable or something like that. You'll have the tools for the job. Chicks love a handy man!

The Moves

Aww yeah! What chick can resist a daring escape/duel with a thug? No chick, that's who. Now to do this correctly you would need a flux capacitor and a DeLorean. However a flux capacitor is fictional and DeLoreans go for $15,000. So just head down to Fred Meyer and slap a random guy over the head with what ever is on sale in the meat department. As he chases you around the store be sure to use random objects as skateboards or distractions. Lead the dude into the Garden Center and be sure he falls in a pile of fertilizer. Bingo! Just make sure your mom from the past isn't watching. She may think you're an absolute dream and ask you to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance.

Be Good With Kids

Some little jerk telling you a Velociraptor looks like a six foot turkey? Instead of pretending to gut the child with a dull fossil, warm up to the child. Tell him how special he is and that he's better than the other children. Shower him with candy and toys. Ladies dig it when they see this sort of activity. Having said that, if you come face to face with a genetically engineered Tyranosaur don't waste your time/energy saving children. Use the children as distractions as you make a dash for the nearest fortified building.

Dress Like Barney Rubble

Trust me. This works.

Sport an Injury

There's nothing like getting mauled by a wampa and spending a couple days in a bacta container to attract the ladies. Women are nurturers by nature and love to take care of others. Use this to your advantage and slam your hand in a car door on the way to your date. Wrap the wound in an old sock and secure it with duct tape. Once she sees your injury, and you inability to address it properly, her focus will be drawn away from your other short comings as she plays nurse for the week. Careful with this one though. If Mr. Lucas is in charge of your biography, your sister may plant one on you.

The Stache

Hmmmm. So fine. Ladies love a mustache. 'Specially if you have a mane of curly hair and a panache for mimicking popular music. Another route is the Mushroom Kingdom 'stache. Nothing says "Hero" like a mustache, red hat, and overalls. Don't worry about the mess. Women love it when you kiss them and they can taste what you had for lunch 3 days ago.

Hold a Gun Barrell Dangerously Close to Your Face

It's a no-brainer. Get it?

Musk Up

This one is the most important. You can never use too much. That's key. Whether you go the cologne route, or buy the more trendy body sprays for 14 year-olds quantity over quality. You see when a woman can breathe she has the ability to make informed decisions regarding whom she will and will not mate with. By suffocating her in fumes you effectively deprive her brain of oxygen making her ripe for the picking.

You're now ready boys. Go get 'em!

The Ghoul of Infinity.

Hello. I am the Ghoul of Infinity. I have always been around. I am taking the time to introduce myself to you for the purpose of educating your small brain. The world as you see it only exist because I, the Ghoul of Infinity allows it to exist so.

Take the lizard. I have constructed the lizard as a foul little creature to stick it's tongue out at you and to walk around like a lizard. I have given it instruction to take up residence on the rocks of the field so that it soaks up sun. The lizards all report to me and give me the juicy sun power in the form of a twice daily chewable tablet. Fear my lizard lording powers!

Also I have dominion over the oceans of the globe. While I, the Ghoul of Infinity is unable to swim, I have used a universal floating mechanism to purvey the oceans and have thrown scaly fish and all manner of aquatic vegetation before them. I do not know why I have done this though. The fish of the ocean are useless to me. I might actually take this time to curse the fishes and vegetation. Perhaps not. Let's move on.

I have taken plastic cards and imprinted binary information on a magnetic strip. These cards have been distributed through out the inhabited regions of deserts and the highest peaks of low valleys. I am sure you have one with you now. That's correct, I, the Ghoul of Infinity have delivered unto you the tool of you very destruction! Take the plastic card and slide it through vendor's machines to deliver unto yourself all manner of fried foods and designer television sets. As you mounting debt and consumerism builds around you watch as the walls of reality crash around your skulls! Ha Ha! You are all my servants!

I, the Ghoul of Infinity am not all bad though. I have also helped children in impoverished lands build little shelters and stuff. The homes are furnished with furniture made of poodle bones and painted with the blood of chihuahuas. Nice little houses. Running water and everything. The Ghoul of Infinity hates dogs.

I do other stuff too, but the Ghoul of Infinity has a job that pays an hourly rate and must get back to work. Be mindful of my powers and ability's!

Indepth Review - Apple Ipad

iPad? More Like The "Why Pad".

Good lord in heaven. Here we are at the next juncture of technological evolution. As a very important journalist, Apple sent me an iPad just yesterday. Joy. The talk around town is that this item is going to revolutionize the world. No longer will we need paper. No, we will all have an electronic tablet to carry with us to jot down notes, run applications, browse the Internet, and play games. Hmmmm, not to be too cynical but I believe such a product already exists. It's called a laptop. Only a laptop is much more powerful, has more ability, and is much more reasonably priced. All the gaming websites I've visited within the last 24 hours are harping on the possibilities of the new device for gaming. What a laugh! iPhone games are all that will be played on the iPad and everyone knows how gimmicky those are. Let's get down to the review. Here's what it looks like...


Yes, those are my perfectly manicured man hands. The secret is lotion. Lots and lots of lotion.

Price - WiFi only model: 16GB $499, 32GB $599, 64GB $699.
WiFi AND 3G model: 16GB $629, 32GB $729, 64GB $829

On amazon.com HP Pavilion DV6-1354US 15.6-Inch Black Laptop goes for $700. It connects to the Internet. It plays movies. It plays games and music as well. It is also light weight and has a 500 GB hard drive! That's a lot more than 64. Are people really so stupid as to pay the same price for an inferior product that is the latest fad. Probably.

Features -

It's an iPhone or Ipod touch super sized. That's it. So, instead of grabbing your phone out of you pocket, and discreetly going to http://glorchinggators.blogspot.com/ to read the latest genius, You have to schlep this tricorder on steroids around. I don't know where a reasonable man would keep such an item. A briefcase? Who carries around a brief case? Nobody. This item is mad to sit on your coffee table as an amusement. It's like an expensive book.



Conclusion -

This product is made for only the most ignorant consumers and for people with loads and loads of money. Frankly I don't know where they come up with this garbage. I think some Apple kronie just thought, "Hey, iPad sounds like iPod. We can make a pad that looks just like a pod and it will be catchy. We'll sell thousands!". They probably will sell thousands. However, most the people I know have the discernment to recognize a useless laptop without a key board when they see one.

Glorch Games

Games I Want To See.

I am tired of going to ign.com everyday and waiting all year for E3 to hear about what games are coming out. Instead,I have listed 5 game that I want to see come out within the next couple years. Make it happen gaming lords!

Rogue Squadron - New Jedi Order Style



First of all I want to see a Rogue Squadron game on Wii. With Motion + I can use the Wii mote like a X-wing control stick. Secondly I want a Star Wars game post return of the Jedi. Please and thank you.

Leeption's Adventure



Yes. This 16 bit throw back with have my boy Leeption slicing up baddies with his thunder claws. He will also bite and lick to get points. Milk and tuna will be power ups and there will be a mini game between levels where he plays with his ball with a bell in it. I want this on the virtual console by May.

Han & Chewie



What a no brainer! Note to Luacas Arts: There are more than just Jedi and star fighters in the Star Wars series. How about an open world smuggling game that explores Han and Chewie's excellent origins story? Please! Do it!

Sweetler's Starfish Challenge



This game will be geared for a younger audience. It will be a nifty puzzle game where The Sweetler collects different starfish, and then arranges them in tide pools. Different shapes and colors match to score points. Fun!

Bender's Game



This game is named after the mediocre straight to DVD Futurama movie. Everyone wants to be like Bender, and this 8-bit adventure will give them that chance. Smoke, Drink, Gamble, Steal, Overindulge, and generally be a jerk to get ahead in this game.