The Position Has Been Filled

7 Dubious Job Promotions

The furtherance of employment by moving up the corporate ladder is common place theses days. In a down economy qualified individuals strive to outreach one another by acquiring new skills, dressing fancy, and bribing ferry operators. Forge the river? No way. I'll just slip the ferry operator an 8x10 glossy of Kathy Coleman posing with that lizard creature. Trust me, it works. I'm digressing. Here are some individuals that got premium positions for less than stellar reasons. Let us examine their career paths.

Dr. Mario




Mario's skills as a Princess Retrieving Technician can not be disputed. However every time he would save up 100 coins doing so, he would immediately blow it on an "extra life". He should have invested those coins in a 401k. At some point he must have sought higher education. Soon he was slinging pills at little nasty viruses and making a Doctor's salary. Unfortunately a Dr's. lifestyle is not cheap. Mario soon found himself paying out the nose to host sporting events like Tennis and Golf. He also threw lavish party's for his friends on a regular basis. The party's included mini games with requirements like giant cakes and the Statue of Liberty. Needless to say Dr. Mario had to resign from the medical field and go back to the boring life of being an intergalactic plumber hero.


Norrin Radd - The Silver Surfer





The Silver Surfer began his life as Norrin Radd, a pacifist astronomer from the planet Zen-La. At some point the cosmic garbage disposal they call Galactus came calling to destroy Norrin's home planet. You see Galactus needs to feed and so he goes around munching planets for the sustenance they provide. To prevent Galactus from destroying his home Norrin agrees to become his 'herald', or shiny naked man servant. Bestowed with a portion of the power cosmic Norrin Radd is promoted to Silver Surfer, Herald of Galactus. Another title could be Cosmic Being Nutritional Supplement Advisor. All the Silver Surfer really did was fly around looking for planets for Galactus to consume. He wasn't on the job for long before he got into a dispute with management. You see Galactus wanted to eat earth, but the Surfer's new friends The Fantastic 4 lived there. So he decided to assault his employer. After the assault Galactus removed his title of Herald and was confined to Earth.

Sheriff Bart




In the movie Blazing Saddles, Bart starts off as being a slave that works on the railroad. After hitting one of his masters on the head with a shovel, he is dubiously given the position of Sheriff in the city of Rock Ridge. The villains who put him in charge hope that the sight of a black man as sheriff will enrage the inhabitants of Rock Ridge to the point of abandoning the town. To their chagrin Bart outwits the town by holding himself hostage. Later with the help of Gene Wilder he uses all manner of slap stick gags to defeat the villain. Bart is proof that you can succeed regardless of racial prejudice. He got that promotion even though his great grandmother was Dutch.

Emergency Medical Hologram (The Doctor)



Whoa! What is the good doctor doing in that red command jumpsuit? When the starship Voyager was transported to the Delta Quadrant by the omnipotent yet powerless Caretaker, many of the ships personnel were killed. This included the majority of the medical staff. In times of duress the EMH Mark I could be activated to serve as a temporary replacement to a Chief Medical Officer. The balding, sheepish program served well in the capacity on a necessary permanent basis. However, the Doctor had begun to explore the subroutines of his programing that included a Emergency Command Hologram function. He day dreamed about taking command of the Voyager and would live out these fantasies on the Holodeck. Twice in the 7 year voyage of the Voyager the crew had to abandon ship and the now promoted ECH got to take over. During this time he would ditch his acerbic personality for a more grandiose one. Sadly, he only got to do this twice. What kind of promotion is that? Either you qualified or you aint.

James Bond



In the prequelesque Casino Royale, we get a taste of what James Bond was before becoming 007. We also get the details on what it takes to become a Double-0 agent of Her Majesty. The first thing Bond had to do to move up the espionage ladder was to beat the living crap out of some dude in a dirty European bathroom. You have to break a few eggs and put their heads in a toilet to make an omelet. After knocking the crap out of the guy Bond tries to compose himself. That's when the jerk gains conciseness and goes for his gun. Bond shooting the dude in the head takes us to the famed opening Bond kill-shot. I would think that by itself would get you Double-0 status, but nooooo. You also have to shoot some corrupt old MI6 agent while he sits in a chair. It's hard work, but it does get easier. Considerably. Once he got his promotion though he got in trouble for the way that he murdered people and blew stuff up. I thought that's why they liked him so much. That stuffy old M needs to make up her mind.

Kyle Rayner



Kyle Rayner was a young ambitious artist. Everyone knows that artists are dirt poor dreamers. So when Hal Jordan lost his marbles and went on a modest killing spree (all the Green Lanterns and the most of the guardians) Ganthlet (Aforementioned last Guardian) gives Kyle the remaining power ring and lets him know that he's in charge now. What? Talk about an unbalanced workload. There are 3600 sectors that the Green Lantern Corps patrol and they were patrolled previously by about 7200 Lanterns. Now they expected Kyle to take care of all that by himself. I'm sure Kyle appreciated the vote of confidence, but that's one heck of a torch to carry. Fortunately Kyle did have the willpower to carry through his new assignment. It helped that a previously near infinite number of conflicts had somehow been reduced to only about two per month, and usually around earth. Wacky universe aint it?

Admiral Piett



Probably the most well known promotion in all of Nerdom. Piett was a captain aboard the Executor, flagship of Darth Vader. His militaristic approach was to go off of leads left behind by fragmented Probe Droids. Admiral Ozzel took the opposite approach and wanted proof. When Admiral Ozzel comes out of lightspeed too quickly he proves that he is indeed as clumsy as he is stupid. He soon gets a video-chat from Lord Vader. Lord Vader is sitting in his meditating spherical bath tub and doesn't like to be disturbed by bad news. It isn't surprising then that he chokes the life out of the Admiral and immediately promotes Captain Piett to the rank of Admiral. Judging by the look on his face it is clear that Admiral was not the position he had interviewed for. Then again, declining a job offer from the Lord of the Sith isn't a good career move. Piett kept his nose clean and did not alert the Rebels to the presence of the Imperial fleet during his term as admiral. Even so a failure by his staff to increase forward fire power cut short his military career and his life. I guess that's how the majority of battlefield promotions work out though aint it?

Crouch's Cellar: Abusing The Laws of Science

Crouch's Cellar

Like the arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.

Today's Project: Customer of Epitome 4,000

I am more familiar with the pestilent ways of the customer than I would care to be. For years now I have been dealing with their incessant whining and selfish attitudes. You will be glad to know that my anguish has not been for nothing. I have been able to splice the genes of several different typical customer service patrons and combine them to create the epitome of your common customer. The following is not for the faint of heart.

Dense Skull.

We start with the head. A dense skull made up of almost vibranium like materials surrounds the cranial area. It prevents any knowledge or understanding from going in or out.

Dense Skull Resistant Brain Matter
Of course the only thing that gets out of the skull is the brain. It seems to sprout wings and give flight as it makes it's exodus. The brain matter is so spongy it can fit through the smallest of holes with ease.

Geezer Hair
To showcase how stubborn and stuck in it's ways the customer is, it has sprouted grey hair on one side. This is a sure warning to any one who may approach that this customer will act like it knows everything but demonstrate it know nothing.

Troll Hair
Self explanatory fuzz of a troll. Customer will be rude and possibly nude.

Ears Full of Corn Chips
The ears will be stuffed with ridged corn chips. The razor sharp chips will cut into the eardrum and block the hearing passage. As a result no matter how clearly or loudly you give instruction, nothing will be heard.

Gaping Mouth Hole
Used to "communicate". Words will bubble forth, but are not guaranteed to be coherent or of any value. Volume will increase with ignorance.

Rumor Snake
The rumor snake will use it extra sensory organs to convey to the customer all manner of incorrect jargon and folklore. The customer will then senselessly repeat what it has taken in.

Blame Cannon 4000
The blame cannon is retrofitted to one arm to provide the customer with limitless scapegoats. The majority of the time the cannon will be pointed at the person trying to assist them. Use caution.

T-Shirt Demonstrating Ignorance
It is painfully obvious that this is one of the more ignorant creations under the heavens. Even so the customer demands on wearing a T-Shirt that reinforces the ignorant trait.

Dictionary of Obscenity
Held securely in it's pocket the customer has access to all of the vulgar and negative terms in existence. It will often resort to these words without provocation. Ear muffs.

Log IDs and Passwords
Despite insisting that they do not know this information the customer does have access. These credentials critical to using a computer's various benefits are stored in the customer's anus.

Designer Jeans From 1991
The customer is still paying interest on these pants. They were purchased two decades ago at the Bon Marche. The customer refuses to give them up.

Puppet Leg
I ran out of human legs. The puppet leg grants the customer some bipedal stability.

Footwear of the Masses
The customer has no identity. Rather it relies on the actions and tastes of others form it's opinions and decisions.

Current Technological Fad
The customer will often carry a device it has no business trying to operate. In this case an iShoe. It will then call tech support on a daily basis to opperate the simplest aspects if the device.

*Click on image for larger view*

Half Day Havoc

Glorching Gorillas

Monkey Business

Humans have long been fascinated by primates. One of the few bipedal mammal orders, the primate is easier to identify with that any other animal. Except for maybe sloths. They belong to the order Pilosa and are related more to an anteater. Lesson of the day. I thought about doing some research to determine where the phrase "get the monkey off my back" came from, but that sounds to exhaustive. Instead I thought about 10 superior simians. There are no listings from the Planet of the Apes series as that would be too derivative considering the new motion picture and all.

10. Evil Monkey

The only monkey I know of with enough sense to become one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I thought we'd start off with him. Introduced as a gag the Evil Monkey has appeared many times in the Family Guy series. His evil deeds seem to include pointing with gnashed teeth and abusing drugs while listening to Foghat. In an episode focused on the evil Monkey it is revealed he is evil because his wife cheated on him. Chris and the Monkey set their differences aside and the monkey helps Chris with a school project. The Evil Monkey's last known where abouts are Jake Tucker's (the kid with the upside down face) closet.

9. Detective Chimp

Detective Chimp is currently a member of the Shadowpact, a group of mystic heroes in the DC comics universe. A minor character created in the 50's, he was used as a vehicle to move animal related comics to the budding furry society. Kidding. He came to relevance again very recently. At one point it became evident that his detective career had no merit on it's own as a chimpanzee had no legal rights and could not even press charges when people would not pay him for his services. He became an alcoholic and made the Oblivion Bar his permanent dwelling station. When the Spectre started killing off mystics, it was Detective Chimp that rallied the together to form the Shadowpact. Though he has no superpowers his detective skills and intelligence are invaluable to the team. He even chats with detectives like J'onn J'onzz and Batman from time to time.

8. Rafiki

This list would be incomplete with out a grapefruit-colored-backside baboon. The only baboon I could think of is Rafiki from The Lion King. "Rafiki" is the Swahili word for friend. He's kind of a wise older monkey. He meditates and scribbles pictoral prophecies. He also has a very keen sense of smell, as he can smell a particular lion's musk from a great distance. I always thought it would be funnier if Simba would have farted after eating all those bugs and that would have been what tipped off Rafiki. Rafiki also has a penchant for using physical abuse in his tutelage. Smacking a student over the head should be explored more when it comes to modern day instruction. Spare the rod spoil the cub.

7. The Monkey From Raiders. "Bad Dates"

This monkey hung out on the shoulder of some bad dude that was in league with the Nazis. The guy had an eye patch. Are there ever any good guys that wear eye patches? Any how this monkey makes the list because he saved Indy's life, from a certain point of view. When Indiana Jones goes to eat some dates his friend Salla snatches his arm out of the air and says, "Bad dates". Salla had seen that the monkey had eaten the dates and quickly died. Too bad too because the monkey was smart, smart enough to rat out Marion while she was hiding in that basket. That pirate looking guy should have trained him to identify tainted fruit. Instead it appears he spent his time teaching the capuchin to salute in the same fashion as the other Nazis.

6. Optimus Primal

Is that Optimus Prime in a monkey suit? Noooooo. It's Optimus Primal, leader of the Maximals. He was introduced in 1996 in one of the first ever CGI television shows "Beast Wars". By today's standards he looks kind of dumb, but back then he was beautiful. His duties mostly consisted of saying something cool and confident when it was time to go to battle with the Predacons. On Beast Wars the Predacons were led by a Megatron that was a big purple T-rex. Ape and T-rex battles are a common thing I guess. My favorite episodes had a raptor named Dinobot lurking around. Sometimes he was good, and sometimes he was bad. Either way Optimus Primal would always beat down on the bad guys.

5. Guenter

In the Futurama episode titled Mars University Fry deals with feelings of inadequacy as he is surrounded by an intellectual population. His self conciseness becomes greater when he finds out his room mate is a super intelligent and indignant monkey named Guenter. His super intelligence is provided to him by a hat that Professor Farnsworth constructed in order to help him get a degree from Mars University. After giving Fry a hard time Guenter eventually breaks his hat while saving the crew from falling off a water fall. His broken hat allows him to talk, but he isn't as intelligent any more. The writers of Futurama jab the network by naming Guenter as the president of FOX.

4. Gorilla Grodd

Gorilla Grodd is a gorilla whose mental and physical abilities have been greatly enhanced. At some point an alien vessel crashed into a jungle inhabited by gorillas. The vessel gave all the gorillas enhanced mental powers and they formed a city. Gorilla Grodd is a bad gorilla. He used his new found mind control abilities to try and take over the city, and then the world. Luckily the leader of Gorilla City, Solovar, contacted The Flash with his mind and everything was OK. Grodd later blowed up Solovar though, so who's laughing now? In JUSTICE Gorilla Grodd is given a yellow power ring from Sinestro. That with his mental powers makes him nearly invulnerable. In the VS system card game Grodds abilities often include gaining control of your opponents units, mirroring his mind control powers.

3. King Kong

Personally I don't care much for King Kong. The dude can't even talk. Having said that his influence over monkey media is mega. There have been 3 movies titled King Kong, but many sequels and rip offs like Mighty Joe Young. King Kong lives on Skull Island. The island has native humans, who's cranial remains lend to the island's name, and dinosaurs. There is even a T-rex like creature. The T-rex is botched though. In the old one you can see it has 3 fingers. In the newer Peter Jackson version King Kong's go to move is to rip the tyrant lizard's jaw asunder. This is horse crap. A newton is a measure of force about equal to the weight of an apple. The T-Rex has a hypothesized bite force of 180 kilonewtons. That's the weight of 180,000 apples. An average apple weighs about a half a pound. So that's like saying King Kong can lift 9000 lbs. An industrial forklift could do that, but it would be a slow process. The way Kong does it in the movie from an outstretched position? What a joke!

2. King Louie

Time for some orangutan action! King Louie is the coolest. Oddly even though he can already speak, he desires to become even more like a man. He thinks he can accomplish this by acquiring cutting edge human technology. That's right fire. How can a talking, dancing, singing orangutan not know how to make a fire? If he was a bit smarter he would have asked for an iPod or a gun or something more useful. King Louie's appearance in Tail Spin was even cooler. He had a swinging club and Balloo was his cargo pilot pal. Probably flew in the drugs from Columbia for him. Pineapple margaritas and the cover charge wouldn't have financed that club on it's own. Some feel that his portrayal was done in a racist fashion. I don't think so. If that the case all white people are big gray lazy bears.

Side note - The first McDonalds toy I remember ever having was a King Louie.

1. Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong

Was there any doubt? These two are what monkeys should be. They mock our human need for pants while sporting things like hats and ties, but letting their under carriage hang loose. Donkey Kong was the first big hit for Nintendo. Without him there may not have been a Mario. His barrel throwing prowess has been proved time and again. He is surely the strongest of the two. In Donkey Kong Country for the SNES if you came across a big bad guy you better switch over to DK. Diddy Kong would just bounce of them. Donkey Kong's strength is proved to be the greatest in Nintendom in his latest outing, Donkey Kong Country Returns. *Spoiler Alert*

Once you defeat the bad guy at the end, DK makes sure he is out of commision by flying up to the moon and then punching the moon down onto the villain. Luckily the volcanoe the villain was destroyed upon shot the moon back to it's proper lunar position. Still Diddy Kong is no slouch. He is the faster of the two and typically the coveted character while playing 2 player. His recent additions of a jet pack and a peanut gun make him an invaluable ally in retreiving stolen bannanas. Those who know of the devastating face violation know not to mess with Diddy Kong.

Bonus Glorching.

Look at this stupid thing...

Citizen Glorch

Politician Party

Recent events concerning the budget of the United States have caused a slew of elderly people to make uninformed comments about a government shutdown. I'm sick of hearing it.They vote for these clowns and then enjoy complaining about how they can't get anything done. Below are some leaders I would put in charge. I have also provided each one with a current world issue to show how they would easily solve it.

10. Jareth - The Goblin King



Planned Parenting

This day in age kids are having kids. So they set up clinics and programs to help educate would be parents before they have an unplanned litter. If Jareth were in charge this would not be an issue. He would take 79% of the nations babys, young or not, to his castle. If the child doesn't have a loved one that is willing to dare the dangers of his labyrinth, the child will be turned into a goblin within 24 hours. Goblins are much better than babys any how. They make a fine work force, and a suitable military force. Incidentally Jareth would also implement a new judicial system wherein those found guilty are simply tossed into the bog of stench.

9. Emperor Palpatine - Galactic Emperor



Government Funded Medical Care

I'm not sure if Anakin had health insurance going into his showdown with Obi Wan on Mustafar, but Palpy never seemed to check. He took him straight to his best medical facility on Coruscant. The rapid rate at which Vader was repaired indicates Palpatine must have foreseen Anakin getting pwned in a lava pit and needing a mechanical suit and scary breathing mask. The Galactic Empire also provides preventative care for all Stormtroopers. Top of the line blaster prone plastic armor is provided free of charge once enlisted. Bacta treatment can be expensive, so the Emperor is taxing the kriffing credits out of all planets within our galaxy. You can tell Palpatine cares about his subjects because he doesn't even spend any money on personal skin care treatment. Those stupid Rebels would probably call him a Socialist Pig.

8. Mayor McCheese

Government Funded Food Programs

While starvation may not be a problem in most countries, proper nutrition can be. Some would have a beef with putting an anthromorphised cheeseburger in charge, but not me. Lettuce first look at his humble beginnings. He grew up in the Sesame Slums. Eventually he mustard the strength to en roll in a four cheese university. After graduating he pickled a job in agriculture. It didn't mater that he worked his patties to the bone, he wanted to help feed the nation. Eventually he found a grill he liked and settled down in a small town. He formed a repuatation for meating the needs of the community and was pressed into running for election. His raw emotion helped him ketchup in the polls and he was soon elected. That's enough of that...

7. Lex Luthor - President of the USA

Imigration.

The grass is always greener on the side with more water. If one person won't stand for illegal aliens it is Lex Luthor. He doesn't care what positive elements you may introduce to the community. If you weren't born in this nation, get out. He has led a one man crusade against that solar system jumping Kryptonian. He doesn't care if Supes doesn't have a planet to go back to. He'd rather kill him than to have his corrupt alien culture soil his human superiority. Instead of putting up a fence, Lex wears a kryptonite powered (hypocrite?) battle suit. Watch out Superman, that middle finger has red kryptonite. When Luthor flies the bird Superman will be affected by one of the many random affects of Red K.

6. Double Feature! Presidents of the United Federation of Planets



This one is the one from Star Trek VI. His name is Ra-ghoratreii and he is an Efrosian. I don't know what he's good for, but it felt wrong not to include him. He's kind of a sissy for not sticking it to the Klingons.



Space Program

Here's a real Star Trek president. His name is Hiram Roth. A Jewish space president? Yeah! While our stinking government cancels the shuttle program because they can't dream, this president doles out reward for dangerous and rebellious activity. It's OK to violate nine starfleet regulations and steal a starship as long as you bring back some whales next time you're in the bay. You'll get 'demoted' to captain and be awarded a pimpin' ride. The exquisite Enterprise NCC1701-A to be precise. Way to govern!

5. Prince Humperdink



Military Strategist

He can track a hawk on a cloudy day. I don't know how useful a trait that is. The hawk is way up in the sky. Is he trying to catch it? What if it goes over a lake or a mountain or something? In any case Humperdink has proved himself to be an able bodied leader who takes his nations military actions into his own hands. Captured insurgents are held at a much more reliable location than Guantanamo Bay. The Pit of Despair is a prime location for extracting information or just plain causing despair. Keen military strategy is nothing without the means to carry it out. That's where the brute squad comes in. Under Humperdink all branches of the military will be condensed into this Brute Squad. They will go around hitting everyone over the head and so forth. The only weaknesses of this military machine will be Holocaust cloaks, wheel barrels, and crippled pirates with infamous reputations.

4. The Empress from The Neverending Story

Unemployment

Times are hard in Fantasia. Whether it's rock biters taking up all the rock biting jobs, or race snails monopolizing the pizza delivery business the job market is competitive. One can't even rely on the Southern Oracle to match their job skills around this joint. For many workers The Nothing is more like the name of their bank accounts. Amiright? The Empress can change all this though. All you have to do is find her and give her a stinking name. So if you're tired of having to settle for a job as a Swamped Horse Corpse Support Representative make your way to the Ivory Tower and yell a name at your Empress. When you come across 'Can you show documentation authorizing you to operate a Luck Dragon?' mark down 'Not that it matters, but yesss'.

3. Prince John and Sir Hiss

The Budget

Taxes! Taxes! Glorious taxes! When it comes to making a balanced budget Prince John knows what to do. The key to not owing another country money is to suck all the money from the peasants. Thankless lot of ungrateful cads from all over the animal kingdom anyway. Also instead of having a National Banking system or a Federal Reserve, Prince John demonstrates the practicability of keeping all of the nation's wealth in his bedroom. While the general public may mourn in their poverty they can still have good cheap fun by dancing around in the woods and putting on puppet shows. Prince John's financial checks and balances consists of a hypnotic snake named Hiss. Nothing like a fingerless serpent to run the calculator.

2. Oswald Cobblepot - The Penguin




Animal Control and Wildlife Conservation

I can't tell you how many times I have been frustrated as a citizen due to some penguin rooting through my trash can at night. I don't know what they're after. Maybe it's the slurpies I keep throwing out or the cod flavored shaved ice. Whatever the case they are a nuisance. I want my government to wrangle these pest up and do something humane with them. Like forming an army of penguins with carnival looking rockets on their backs. Or maybe feeding them steroids so that they can become large enough to be penguin pall-bearers at funerals. I know that Cobblepot is also good with cats and bats. As long as he also has an anti-dog policy I'd say he'd be the perfect candidate.

1. Senatorial representative Jar Jar Binks

World Peace

That's right. If I could put one person in charge of having everyone get along it would be the Binks. I mean he brought together the Gungans and the Naboo like it was nothing. When it comes to a figure that every one can rally around the Binks is supreme. He could run with a slogan like, "Being mean stinks, Vote for Binks". I'll make up some buttons for people to wear. There is a fraction of a small amount of people who don't like Jar Jar. Those people will be hit over the head with a booma and taken to the kaadu ranches to be maid into Soylent Green. After Jar Jar's reign is established, everyone will speak the same broken English high pitched dialect he speaks. It is hard to be a jerk when conversing this way. Soon everyone will get along. Meesa can't wait.

Bonus Glorching -

Nute Gunray

George Lucas's political ideals are not well hidden in his Star Wars movies. A prime example can be seen in the oaf of a politician Nute Gunray. The naming of this character takes shots at 2 American republicans. Speaker of the house Newt Gingrich is obvious. However if you take his last name 'Gunray' and switch it around to make 'ray-gun' you get the name of former Republican president Ronald Reagan who was president during the time Lucas was thinking up the prequels. I wonder what kind of sick satisfaction he got when Darth Vader beheads Nute in ROTS... Not to subtle Georgie Boy.

Super Return Of The Glorch

10 Things I Think Are Super

Su-per [soo-per] -adjective: of the highest degree, power, etc.

One of the laziest prefixes around, super has been abused more times than mega. If you want to say something is greater, larger, more abundant you just go with super. This market is bigger than most, so we'll go with 'supermarket'. That sort of thing. But some super things are actually deserving of the superlative title. I have listed them below. Have a super day.

10. Supersaurus.



Supersaurus is the lesser known relative of diplodocus and apatosaurus. This sauropod lived in the late Jurassic. They grew up to 120 feet long. That's as big as two rail road cars. They weighed up to 40 tons. I am surprised that this dinosaur is not more well known. I guess kids who like dinosaurs pride themselves on being able to pronounce the more difficult dinosaur names. Paleontologists should take more pride in naming them. Supersaurus, ultrasaurus, gigantoraptor, and meglosaurus. If you are superbored look up the term 'Scrotum humanum' and how it relates to the early discovered meglosaurus. Talk about superlazy naming.

9. Super Soaker




Growing up as a poor child I never had a Super Soaker. Also my parents did not like guns, so I didn't really have a squirt gun of any type. Needless to say during summer time if I wasn't near a hose, I would be at the mercy of my enemies. The Super Soaker is on the list because it teaches children at an early age the importance of arms superiority. The Super Soaker itself has many models ranging from basic all the way to battery controlled versions with a gallon tank back-pack. Not even a super accurate hit from a water balloon can compete with that.

8. Superconductor.




Here comes the part where I pretend to know what a superconductor is. As I understand it a superconductor is a material, usually a metal, that can be frozen to a state where electrons can travel through them unhindered. This means such a metal can carry more electricity easier than any other substance without the electricity dissipating or causing heat. If starships or lightsabers where real I'm sure they would have to have a power source that included superconductors. Also, as you can see, superconductivity allows the metal to create a small magnetic field that allows it to hover. Some feel that this property can be expounded on to create an anti gravity vessel, though no practical applications have been made.

7. Superbowl




Ah yes. The Superbowl. Few thing rally the American public like the Superbowl. It began as a championship football game, or some nonsense like that. Since then however it has become an advertising juggernaut of unrivaled scale, truly a super spectacle. Companies pay out the nose to put up their commercials with talking animals and half naked women. 3 hours during a Febuary evening and I know what brands I need to purchase for the whole year. A super addition to the Superbowl has been the halftime show. Superlative performances take over the field for a half hour to lure in those who don't like sports. Too bad that Janet and Justin ruined it with the super embarrassing wardrobe malfunction. Super Geezers would grace the stage for years to follow. Only recently have the Black Eyed Peas replaced the geezers. Their Tron suit are immune to wardrobe malfunction.

6. Superstitions



Mind control is one of those things hard to pull off. The most successful form of mind control are superstitions. The earliest form of superstition came from a cobbler who became upset with the mirror maker who had a shop next to his. He started a rumor that breaking a mirror was bad luck so that people would be extra careful not to break mirrors. Eventually the mirror maker went out of business and the cobbler expanded his own shop. It is very convenient to relieve oneself atop a ladder, so that's where that under the ladder business came from. The black cat superstition was obviously predicated by a bunch of jealous dogs. Kudos for Leeption approving using his likeness for this post!

5. Super Size



One of the greatest portion related controversies of our time, the loss of the super sized fry is a travesty of untold proportions. Or super portions I should say. Apparently fat people were dying because of heart attacks because McDonalds was forcing them to over eat with catchy slogans and advertising. Super Sizing was about value, nothing more. Only $1 more and look how much more I get! It's like winning the food lottery. Fortunately McDonalds has stepped up to the plate in a much sneakier way. Thanks to the $1 menu you can secretly super size your meal by ordering 5 McChickens on the side!

4. Supernova



A supernova is truly deserving of the 'super' title. It happens when a huge star explodes. Supernovas are so epic that they can outshine entire galaxies. The shockwave of a supernova has so much kinetic energy it can form new stars. Some supernovas are so powerful they expel as much energy during that one explosion than the energy that that sun put out during it's whole life time. I like to think of a supernova as a stellar fart. These farts however linger for centuries if not eons.

3. Super Star Destroyer



If anyone knows the value of hierarchical scale it's Darth Vader. In The Empire Stikes Back the Empire is out looking for Luke Skywalker and his Rebel base. Vader's lieutenants show up in their singularly impressive star destroyers. But what is that all encompassing shadow overtaking them? Aww yeah! It's a super star destroyer! The Executor in particular. After escaping Tarkin's doomed super weapon Vader asks Palpatine for the keys to this beast. I guess Palpatine blamed Tarkin for crashing the Death Star. Long story short a super star destroyer is the baddest thing around. Having said that if you shoot it's shield balls off and crash an A-wing into the bridge you will negate it's navigational systems and it will crash into the nearest moon sized space station. I dunno, maybe have a back up navigational system within the star destroyer? Intensify forward fire power!

Super Mario Bros.



Any serious Mario player knows that regular Mario Bros. is nothing but an arcade game wherein you run around the same stage popping up spineys and collecting coins. It wasn't until Mario became Super that he became the quintessential platforming king that he is today. An entire 8-worlded side scrolling multipowered up Mario game truly was super and it set the precedence for upping the video game ante by throwing a super in the mix. The follow up to the NES was even called the Super Nintendo. This caused a wave of Super games. Super Star Wars, Super Bomberman, Supper Smash TV, Super Metroid, and even Super Solitaire. The act of throwing a super in to make a game seem better crossed all platforms. Sega Genesis had Super Fantasy Zone. The first Playstation had Super Adventure Rockman and Super Duper Sumos. The Duper lets you know it's good. Needless to say all the great Mario games have had the Super title, including the most recent Super Mario Galaxy 2.

1. Superman



Is there any question? Superman is the epitome of the word super. Superman is the most enduring super hero in existence. Even more impressive is the fact that his origin has changed so little in 73 years of publication. His story is known the world over as is his iconic logo. Superman has been marketed every way you could imagine and was the first hero to have a Tv show, animated cartoon, or high budget motion picture. Nonsensical science fiction words like "kryptonite" are so well known they have been adopted by people of different languages. Many morons like to complain about Superman and his almost limitless positive attributes and powers. But those people are just jealous stupid suckers. Superman carried the comic book industry on his back for years. He also set the bar for having a successful comic book motion picture. Superman is the foundation for all comics, and if you ask me nerdery in the 20th century onward.