Jedi Night Jobs

Jedi Knight Shift

The night shift can be lonely. It can be long. For those who volunteer all day however, it's the only work to be found. Protecting the Republic doesn't pay what it used to, and neither does supporting a rebel alliance. Therefore, after these Jedi put away their light sabers, they get out their work gloves and tune into their favorite radio stations, because it's going to be a long night. On the night shift.

Mace Windu-
Meat Packaging Worker.



The party may be over, but after saving a group of friends on Geonosis, Mace Windu makes for the bologna mines of Dubrilion. There he packages all sorts of galactic lunch meat. Sure when he shows up to the council the next day his robes may stink of processed nerf meat, but the other council members don't mind because they get free meat for their sandwiches. The only problem with working at the Dubrillion bologna mines is the fact that the processed nerf meat creates toxic fumes that cause baldness in most species.

Aayla Secura-
What Do You Think?



Aayla is one good looking Twilek. Unfortunately her master, Quilan Vos, didn't make her feel very appreciated with that whole, "forgot who I was" episode. Needless to say when it came time for her to find work this Twilek headed for the blue light district of Coruscant. There she works as an entertainer at the Ugnaught's Delight. The pay isn't as high as she would hope, but when the patrons come in after abusing some death sticks she can get some good tips.

Shaak-Ti -
Tech-Support.



Starting around midnight the majority of the workers at the Blast-tech Incorporated call center head home. It is also the time that Shaak-Ti comes in. While at her cramped cubicle Shaak-Ti takes all sorts of tech support calls. When a blaster jams she walks the customers through how to get the DH-11 model working again. She has only worked there a short time, and the supervisors had a hard time finding a headset that fit around her oddly shaped head. The pay is very poor at the customer service center for Blast-tech, but Shaak-Ti doesn't buy very much makeup.

Plo-Koon -
Tabana Gas Gatherer.



Gatherer? Is that how you say it? Anyway, it's what Plo Koon does after hours. On the planet Bespin he has been working the night shift for about four years. He is a foreman and does very well. While the fumes may bother some of the other workers, that respirator looking thing on his face allows him to breath easy. Being a supervisor, the work is not too arduous and the benefits are excellent. The betrayal and star fighter explosion insurance may come in handy.

Kit Fisto -
Stand Up Comedian



This Naotolan works at a comedy club after patrolling the galaxy. There at the Laughing Lizard Monkey, Fisto's set last about an hour. He has 3 shows nightly. Be warned though, if you are sensitive to the racial differences between the Quarren and the Mon Calamari, you may find his material some what offensive. And he does drop the "N" bomb form time to time. So don't be shocked if you go home calling everyone, "My Nerf Herder."

Anakin Skywalker-
Mechanic



While he should be taking acting lessons, Anakin spends his night's fixing things. He's good at fixing things. He takes on odd jobs mostly, and he has an add on cleigslist.com if you are interested. Get it? Cleig Lars was the name of that dude that married his mom. You may be familiar with "craigslist/com". I took the "craig" and replaced it with "cleig". Ha. Ha. Ha.

Qui-Gon Jin -
Hair Dresser



In a galaxy this big, many salons are open 24 hours. There are just such salons on Malistare, very fast, very dangerous. It is there that you will find Qui-Gon cutting and styling at the Beautiful Bantha. What ever style you want, Qui Gon can make it happen. If you want something totally new don't worry about it. Qui-Gon will sit and mediate until he comes up with the perfect style to match your needs. The Beautiful Bantha is now accepting republic credits, so act quickly.

Obi-Wan Kenobi-
Works From Home



Since Obi Wan is in hiding, he does not go out at night to work. Instead with just his computer he makes up to $3,000.00 a month filling out surveys! You can too! Just go to rodianscam.com today and sign up! Again, with just a home computer, and a couple hours a day you can make up to $3,000.00 a month!*
*Obi Wan's experience with rodianscam.com is not accurate and his false experience is not typical.

Yoda-
Cage Fighter



The night life on Dagobah is more exciting than you may expect. Sure there are not a lot of sentient life forms on the planet, but doesn't mean Yoda can't find night work. The Mynock Mixed Martial Arts Assoc. has nightly prize fights. The winner usually will take home a sizable purse. With Yoda's acrobatic ability's he's able to defeat even bigger opponents. These large opponents will eat things like serpent tails and swamp root to bulk up. How do they get so big eating food of this kind?


Luke Skywalker -
Voice Actor




Though you wouldn't think it, Luke is a very good voice actor. While on Tattooine he has lent his voice to Holo-Net cartoons and different video games. While when you hear him whining about not getting to go to Tosche Station to pick up power converters, it is hard to believe he is also the voice of the Joker. That's right, they have Batman in the Star Wars Galaxy too. It's in the special features on the Blue-Ray disc for A New Hope. What you don't have Star Wars on Blue-Ray yet?
I'm sure it's in the special features.

Video Game Vacation

Best Video Game Destinations

It feels good to get away from it all. Not that I would now, being a slave to the man and all, but I can imagine. Instead of going to a theme park or some exotic cruise I would go to these places. Video games are full of places that we could only dream of! You can do things you couldn't get away with in State Parks. Below are the 10 places you need to go, so grab your travel agent and your wallet.

10. Twilight Realm



Hyrule is nice enough, but for a unique experience you will love the Twilight Realm. With the press of a button you'll be whisked away to a land of murky atmospheric effects and random neon designs. You may stumble across a couple demons, but don't worry they have clearly marked weaknesses. Just stab or bite them there a couple times and they'll go down. If you book your trip now, we'll include a royal midget with an odd sense of humor as your guide. At no additional cost!

9. E.D.N. III



This icy planet is home to a load of snow. It also houses a bunch of indigenous bug looking monsters call Araknid. Don't worry about that though because we have guns and big mechanical suits with guns. That's right. Like AVATAR. This isn't Pandora however. Here you can relax in deserted city's and gaze upon large glaciers. Don't leave the hotel without your vital suit though. If you have to venture out, be sure to kill one of the creatures and harvest their remains for energy every couple minutes. Else wise you'll freeze to death. Cold not your thing? Don't worry! Lost Planet 2 comes out this year and E.D.N. has been transformed into a lush jungle environment. The Araknid are still around though, so don't forget that machine gun.

8. Raccoon City




Ah, the heartland of America. This is not it. What better place to visit than a Japanese video game writer's idea of an average American city. You can go to all the average places sure, but just outside of town is where the real attractions are. A mansion with an underground genetic testing facility? Sign me up! Bring the kids to show them what can happen when a corrupt conglomerate abuses the laws of science and God at the same time. Just be sure that little Johnny knows how to handle a shotgun. Aim for the face Johnny!

7. Duckburg





Race cars? Lasers? Air o' Planes? What more do you want?! Here in the 8-bit glory of Duckburg you get all three, and so much more! Be sure to bring your metal detector along. There is treasure to be found every three feet here in Duckburg and it seems no one else is interested in it. Charter a flight with Launcpad McQuack today!*

*There may be a packet of waivers as thick as The Good Book for you to sign before boarding a flight with Mr. McQuack.

6. Crimea





The Fire Emblem games take place in many different lands. The best destinations can be found in Crimea. In the games Path of Radiance and Radiant of Dawn you travel through a land of wonderful different places. There are kingdoms of men with wonderful places and grand armies. There are land ruled by mighty dragons. A country ruled by a wise old man that turns into a lion and some kingdoms are ruled by birds! As you travel you can only move so many spaces at a time, but who cares? It's a great way to level up!

5. Green Hill Zone



Ah yes, a 16-bit paradise. Pack your running shoes and active gear because the Green Hill Zone is for those who enjoy an active lifestyle. Sure you may run into some poorly designed enemies and maybe even to one of the more painful Sonic characters, but everything around you will look nice. You'll never want to leave! Why? Because all the other Sonic game are straight garbage! Enjoy your stay.

4. Donkey Kong Country



When Donkey Kong got tired of his day job, standing on steel girders and throwing barrels, he really got away from it all. Far away from the urban environment is Donkey Kong Country. While her you will start of in the jungle, make your way to an ancient ruined city, jump through the forest, and explore an icy glacier. Strangely enough the end bit of the trip will be in a toxic waste dump and a pirate ship. If variety is the spice of life, this is the trip for you and your family. What is Diddy Kong any way? His brother? Cousin? Foster child?

3. Stunt Track




Aww yeah! It's always a drag being stuck at work all week. On weekends I like to buy a case of Monster Energy drinks at Costco and indulge in some extreme activity. Rush Extreme Racing is where it's at! Look here bro, you can choose from a number of sweet rides and totally paint them how you want! Then, after abusing your kidneys with more energy drinks, take those rides off some sweet jumps for excellent air! You'll get points for hang time, rolls, 2-wheels, and other wicked stunts. Don't worry about wrecking the cars bro, they re spawn every time! Heck yeah!

2. C-Island



At last, the only location on the list that actually has vacation in the plot. When Mike goes on vacation to see his uncle he finds C-Island is not only exotic and tropical, but is is also full of monster snakes, snails, bats, and other things you wouldn't expect to find on a chain of islands. While enjoying your stay on C-Island feel free to try to find your missing uncle, operate an advanced submarine, solve puzzles, and foil an alien plot to destroy the planet. This will be a once time offer as Nintendo has forgotten all about C-Island and it's wonderful charm. Oh, and bring your bat and yo-yo.

1. Mushroom Kingdom



Where else would you finish your video game vacation. The Mushroom Kingdom has been visited so many times, but it never gets old. There is an infinite number of things to do here!
You can always rescue the princess, that will take you to at least 8 very different part of the kingdom. After that you can drive around in karts, grab some friends for tennis, play 9 holes of golf, or even go to the Olympics. The Mushroom Kingdom is a varied landscape full of familiar imagery, jaunty musical scores, and enemies that aren't even that scary. Enjoy your time here, because your vacation is almost over and then it's back to work!

Facts of Life

Things That Never Change

The Facts of Life, from what I understand, was a show in the early 80's that had Marty McFly in it. I never watched that show, but I have noticed that there are many things in life that remain very factual. Usually these things are negative. Being the pessimist that I am, here are 10 things I wish would change, but know will not.

10. Not Funnier The 2nd Time.

Some people told a joke once that got such a response they have chosen to use it over and over. You may not think about it, but listen in on your co-workers some time. They develop tag lines and stupid jokes they love to repeat. Take this journey; a middle aged woman saying "What's goin' on?" like a surfer dude. Funny right? The first time sure. How about the 10th time? How about if every day that person talked to 100 customers and said the same thing every time they answered the phone? We're in cut myself territory now gentlemen.

9. Wait in Line!

Order is stupid. Society's rigid requirements demand that I wait in this line instead of soiling myself. Lame. Why can't I just go where I please like my ancestors? Also lines at the grocery store are ridiculously long. My ice cream melts before I even bag it. The worst kind of lines though are at the movie theaters on the night of a "big" release. I know there is a room full of seats in there. I saw all the blokes from the previous showing come out a half hour ago! Are you telling me it takes a half hour or longer to sweep up popcorn? Let me in!

8. Expiration Dates

That's a classic. Every time I go to pour milk on my cereal, it's expired! Why do they put these on here? Should I feel bad about not drinking the milk on time? I think the jerks in the dairy industry date their products so that we will throw it out and buy more food. Does yogurt really ever expire? I've never seen bad yogurt. If yogurt sits in the fridge for 3 years and no one ever eats it did it really "go bad"? Things to consider.

7. No One To Play With

There are a load of good games out there. Cards, sports, video games, and things of that nature. Allot of the time though, no one around cares about your game. Or, the people around that care about the game are stupid jerks. Or they make fun of you for spending so much money on a hobby that requires friends, when you have none. No? You say you have loads of friends and they play games with you all the time? Oh. Looks like I have some issues to work out...

6. Pay Up

I got bills to pay, I got mouths to feed, there aint nothing in this world for free. Excellent jam there. It illustrates a fine point though. Ever since cavemen started trading rabbit skins for crude wife disciplinary tools, the thought of money has been around. Everything cost something. This contrasts sharply with the human belief that "I should get everything for free". So when you get a parking ticket, a bank fee, repair bill, doctor's bill, or anything else a bit unexpected, your reaction to to cry like a baby. In the end though, you pay up. Else wise it's a ride on the collections train. Choo Choo!

5. Ignorant Morons Think Every Member of Queen Was Gay

Some people think they know everything. That is not always the case. They hear a Queen song and they know that Freddie Mercury was gay so they spout out, "Did you know everyone in Queen is gay?" What a chump. If I had a flea bite on my back end for every time I heard that I wouldn't be able to go on the tire swing without a special salve. Kinda like Freddie Mercury! Ha! Seriously though, 3 of the 4 members are not gay. So if you want to speak about something after the song, just say that they are the greatest band ever and then shut it.

4. Terrible Music Can Only Be Listened To Loudly

There are many kinds of garbage music, but more are sure to come. Country, Emo Pop, Punk, Rap, and pretty much anything released after the year 2,000 is total garbage. Unfortunately you cannot convince a person that their musical choice is rubbish. They would rather die than to admit what MTV is shoving down their ears is garbage. Sadly, they resort to playing the terrible music at high volumes. Louder doesn't mean better. If only they knew it was like farting in a crowded room. If you're going to put that crap out there, the more silent the better.

3. Aggressive Truck/SUV Drivers

Are you a contractor? Do you live on a cattle ranch? No? Then why do you drive that ridiculously large vehicle? Not only do the jerks who spend too much money on a vehicle they don't need take up more of the road, they drive them far too aggressively. I think these people need to have their heads examined. What makes them feel so entitled? Coming through! Seriously, one time I was in my car at the Drive-thru. This big ol' Suburban right in front of me just throws it in reverse and starts backing up. There was no eye contact involved. No hand gestures. Just entitlement. "My Suburban needs out. Make way!" On the way back to work to write this senseless material, some Explorer with a U-Haul trailer shoved me over into the right lane. No signal! Can't we spay/neuter these people?

2. "That" Guy

Why are there so many jerks in the world? Do they know they're jerks? At any social gathering or interaction there is always one around. Can you remember the last time you had a good time? Think of who was there. I'll bet that guy wasn't. Whether it's a extra competitive streak, an big fat gossipy mouth, a downer attitude, or a lack of social skills, idiots love to ruin a good time.

1. You're Wrong

Ha! When he tried to go for the fruit... Funny to me, and only me I guess. See? I'm wrong for liking Jar Jar Binks. So many different viewpoints and opinions, they can't all be right. Even those hippies with the "Coexist" bumper sticker disagree with other people. Being wrong is a fact of life, and probably the one thing that happens to us more than anything else. The trick to being wrong is also being defiant, belligerent, and ignorant. This will help you to take your wrongness to new levels and grow as an individual.

Weird Al Top 10

Weird Al's Top 10

The majority of the ignorant twits in the world think Al Yankovic is a joke. They think all he does is steal other people's music and make up silly rhymes. To prove this fact, google music parody and you will come up with a load of garbage songs, the majority of them falsely credited to Al. The truth however, is that Weird Al is a musical genius and has been making music for 30 years. Below are my choices for the ten best Al songs.


10. Phony Calls



This track should win an award for Best Cartoon Bit In A Song. The song is funny enough, and a great play on the now forgotten TLC song "Waterfalls". The best part of the song however comes in the middle, when a skit between Bart Simpson and Moe can be heard. "I'd like to speak with Mike, last name Rotch." "Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Has anyone seen Mike Rotch lately. " Classic. I would rewind this tape over and over just to hear that bit.

Most Memorable Line - Listen you little puke. One of these days I'm gonna find you, and I'm going to carve my name in your back with an ice pick! *Bart Laughs*

9. Slime Creatures




Ah yes, Slime Creatures. This is a tasty track. When outsiders listen to this track they get all confused. "What song is he making fun of here", they say. Well friend, as any Al fan knows half of the songs on any album are completely original. This one is one of the best. It's a song with techno synthesizer beat that tells the story of an alien invasion by slime creatures. As with all Al songs it is extremely light hearted and funny. It can be found on the album Dare to be Stupid.

Most Memorable Line - They'll suck your brain out through a straw, you just can't trust those guys. So hide the children, lock the doors, and always watch the skies!

8. Eat It

As far as Al still being around goes, he owes much to this parody of Michael Jackson's Beat It. This wasn't Al's first rodeo, but due to MTV's constant airing of the video Al become a household name. The video was a spot on parody of Jackson's video, including a knife fight with a rubber chicken. The song was featured on Al's second album, In 3D.

Most Memorable Line- How come you're always such a fussy young man? Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran. Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan, so eat it.

7. One More Minute

Al's first attempt at a love song is also his best. This song is done in a 50's doo wop style. The lyrics tell the story of a man singing about his girl friend leaving him. Instead of crying, Al sings about all the terrible things he would rather experience, than to spend another minute with his ex. It's an original song, and a great play on the classic "come back to me" type song. The song is also on the great album Dare to be Stupid.

Most Memorable Line- I'd rather jump naked on a huge pile of thumb tacks, or stick my nostrils together with crazy glue. Than to spend one more minute with you.

6. So Sick Of You

Songs about a man's relationship with a woman are usually filled with flattery and romance. That's not the case here. Al here, in an original song, sings about his disgust with a certain woman. His relationship with the woman is never disclosed, however his distaste is clearly outlined in very clear language. This gem is found on the Bad Hair Day album.

Most Memorable Line- Yeah, your teeth are all yellow, your butt's made of Jell-O. You wake up in a puddle, droolin' on your pillow.

5. White & Nerdy

Talk about a perfect storm. Al's genius enabled him to take a rap song about driving around with drugs, and turned it into an ode about everything I hold dear. X-men comics, Star Trek, computer jargon, romantic relationships with bubble wrap, it's all here! This is the type of song that warrants setting the volume to 11 whenever non-nerds are mean mugging you. The only problem with this song is how it excludes other minority nerds. At the same time however, "Mexican and Nerdy" does not rhyme with "Riding Dirty". This song is from the album Straight Outta Lynnwood. Lynnwood is Weird Al's home town.

Most Memorable Line- Only question I ever thought was hard, Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?

4. Waffle King

With Al, the more obscure the better. In this instance we have a song about a man who makes the best darn waffles the world has ever seen. The song chronicles the man's rise to fame and power. "Right this way sir, your money's no good here. One day I bet they'll build me a shrine", and other over the top statements of acclaim are found in the song. This song is the next to last track on the Alapalooza album. The one with Al's face imposed on the Jurassic Park logo.

Most Memorable Line - Don't you know who I am? You've got to be kidding me. Listen pal, you can kiss my royal butt.

3. I Remember Larry

Those who have heard this song have no idea what the image above references. Those who have heard the song know that after Larry preformed a number of pranks "I dragged him by his ankles through the middle of the forrest and stuffed him in a big plastic bag". After singing about outlandish and painfully mean spirited pranks Larry played, Al goes into detail about killing Larry. Al thinks of it as a prank, and states that "Larry would have to agree... It was a pretty good gag". This song is right before Phony Calls and The Night Santa Went Crazy on the album Bad Hair Day. What a tasty trilogy of travesty.

2. Stuck In A Closet With Vanna White

Al can be called the Autocrat of Absurdity. That being the case, this song is his pièce de résistance. From the title you may think the song is driven by a sexual desire Al has for the game show host. While I cannot confirm or deny such a motivation, I can tell you that is not the point of the song. Al describes a reoccurring dream he is having to a doctor. During his dream Al sees many different crazy things, but always ends up stuck in a closet with Vanna White. Hence the title. If you like this song, you like Al. It's on the first Weird Al tape I ever had, Even Worse. Picked it up at a garage sale.

Most Memorable Line- See, I'm naked in church when I meet a dinosaur. Try to run, but my feet have been nailed to the floor. Then a midget pushes me through a revolving door, and I'm back in the very same place I was before.

1. Yoda

Al is great and so is Star Wars. Add them together and you get the best Al song ever. Yoda is a parody of Lola by The Kinks. I bet you never thought a song about a transvestite Saigon prostitute could be converted into a song about the wisest Jedi Master. The song is written in perfect harmony with the events in The Empire Strikes back and is narrated from the viewpoint of the character Luke Skywalker. Al would later do another Star Wars song, The Saga Begins where he narrates the story of Episode I from the perspective of Obi-Wan. Yoda can be heard on the album Dare to be Stupid. Looks like that album has three of the best Al songs ever!

Most Memorable Line- Well, I've been around but I ain't never seen a guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green. Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Eternal Abstinence

Not On Board.

As has been discussed before, alot of things are stupid. Not to be stuck up, but as individuals we need to be "above" certain things. Here is a list of 10 things I will never partake in. As an added bonus let's list something that could get us "on board". No doubt, there are a load of fans out there that may enjoy some of the rubbish below. They need to get a life.

10. Lost



This show needs to *brace yourself* get lost. Ha! Gem of the day and I waste it on number 10. At any rate, who has the time to sit for an hour every week at 10, 9 central to watch this dribble. Don't people know that sports, cartoons, and video games can be displayed on TV as well? I haven't got the kind of time an "epic" series like this one requires. I hope they all die on the island, or whatever. Family Guy has only joked about it once, so big deal.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Call it X-Files and move it to FOX.

9. Romantic Comedy's



What dribble. All one needs to do is watch Sleepless in Seattle one time to understand every romantic comedy to follow. Lather, Rinse, have the guy be witty and charming, have the girl be troubled and looking for love, repeat. I don't know what kind of audiences are drawn to this garbage, but I will never be in attendance. Save the drama for the llama.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Castrate me with an old cheese cleaver.

8. Oysters



How anyone can stomach to eat these shelled meat boogers is beyond me. The shell is kind of like a dank dungeon where this creature gestates it's whole life in the sea. It's like me taking a double cheeseburger, taping it to the inside of my pants, not changing my pants for 5 years, and then eating the burger. It should not be done, and I never will.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Remove the oyster, wash the shell in bleach, and serve skittles on them.

7. Nickelodeon


Throw the Disney Channel on here if you like, but Nick is especially bad. Why? Because it used to be so good! Ignorance may be bliss, but in my case it's also righteous anger. I never turn it to this channel because all that's on there is live action teenager shows. Where are the cartoons? I doubt kids even watch this crap. Sure, I don't know any kids, but hey. Oh, and Spongebob doesn't count.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Play Rocko's Modern Life 12 hours of the day and AAAAHHH Real Monsters and Angry Beavers the other half.

6. Heroes





Not the excellent David Bowie song, but rather the garbage NBC program. Again, I judge out of ignorance. Tasty cheddar and sour cream ignorance. Is it just me, or does anyone else feel ripped off? This one is only lower on the list than lost because it is a blatant rip off of the X-Men. I get it, a group of people have powers and some are bad. X-men movies are better though. I'm not going to waste any of my time on this muck.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Pay Marvel for the rights and just do a live action X-Men TV show.

5. "Must Play" Twenty Year Old Male Titles




What garbage is it that you can't have a video game discussion with anyone without them dropping games they think you've played into the discussion. Example A: Going to the video store when another young man, or the clerk, asks what system you have. Say PS3 or 360 and they will ask what rank you have in Call of Duty. Tell them you don't play that garbage and they look at you like you slapped their momma. Is it really that shocking? Leave me alone! Example B: You go to purchase a game at a video game store. It is a PS3 game. They clerk tries to get you to pre-order God of War III. You own a Playstation, you must want any thing that says GOD OF WAR on it. Wrong. I won't even download the free demo. You heard?

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Put Mario Galaxy on the PS3. Bother me then.

4. Harry Potter



Let's take a moment to ignore the spiritualistic and pedophilia *sounded good* in this movie for the sake of argument. This franchise is maybe the first one that I am proud to have boycotted. When it first came out I thought to myself, "Are you serious? A boy wizard? Stupid." I am most proud to say that is still how I feel and I have not watched a minute of any of the 7 or whatever movies. I have also never placed my hand on any of the garbage books.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Raise Micheal Crichton from the grave and put genetically engineered extinct animals in the plot. I couldn't believe there could be such reaction to inferior writing and garbage plots until....

3. Twilight



Shoot me now and bury me in the back yard. When it comes to crap you can smell a mile away, Twilight is right up there. Unless you are a 13 year old girl going through "the change", this garbage is so easy to lampoon a cave man could do it. Call me GEICO, I'll put it together. The worst part of this whole thing is, you know they aren't half done. They will come out with dreadful sequels and enough related scribed volumes to fill an encyclopedia! I'll never watch this garbage. Never!

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- If I'm in hell and there are only two rooms; "Twilight" and "Sarah McLaughlin's Christmas Hits on repeat" I will choose Sarah. My hatred is pure!

2. Macy's


Lump all the other garbage department stores in here while you're at it. Do I look like I'm made of money? No. I'm a calm cat. I role with the punches, so to speak. However, every time I step foot in a Macy's type store I have a panic attack and have to double over in pain. I hate doubling over, as it smells worse down there. So I will never drop a time in these overpriced, cheekily commercialized, stuck up staffed, did I say overpriced stores.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- Two ways. 1. Sell Star Wars shirts. 2. Cut prices in half and call it ROSS.

1. Disney Movies Starring The Rock



"Ummm. His name is Dwayne Johsnon now...". Shut up James! Wrestling is stupid. Kid's movies are stupid. Mix 'em up and what do you get? Uncontaminated garbage! Pure rubbish! Do I really need to go on? All you need to do is view the picture above. You don't need to even to see the trailer! I will never take my children to watch one of these movies. If they beg and plead and say, "Daddy I want to go see that movie so bad. I know that it's bad, but I want to watch it ironically so I have something to talk about with my friends". I still won't let them, myself, or any other sentient being in my care abuse themselves by watching these type of films.

HOW TO GET CROUCH ON BOARD- In each of his movies have kids curse at the rock and insult his wrestling career with vulgar limericks. Also he should die within the first scene and the rest of the film should be a James Bond movie.

Super Review

Beefy 5-Layer Burrito

Worth the 0.89% of a dollar?

Hot on the tail of the superb Cheesy Gordita Crunch, the 5-layer burrito has a lot to live up to. The Cheesy Gordita Crunch was crunchy, yet cheesy and also a great deal.

To go along with the release of the 5-Layer Burrito, which we will call "B5LB" for the rest of the article, Taco Bell has tied in another TV add. For those of you without a glorching schedule that allows for bulk television ingestion, I will sum up. Some dude walks into an exceptionally clean Taco Bell and asked for "Diane" or whatever. Once she comes to the register, he asks for that "Special deal" she gave him last time he was in. Of course, it turns out that the deal applies to every one and the guy's last imprudent visit was shortly after he ate a bucket of rubber cement.

So, as the television has told us, the B5LB is fully loaded, and a steal at 89 cents. But is it tasty? I can stuff a load of mynock feces in a space slug, but that doesn't make it a cave. Does that make sense? No. We will judge the B5LB on, appropriately, 5 aspects. Ingredients, flavor, texture, appearance, and replay value. Go.

Ingredients

The five layers are constituted thusly; Beans, Beef, Cheddar, Sour Cream, and a layer of Nacho Cheese. All are very "south of the border", but they can be distributed in unequal portions. Note to Taco Bell employees; A little sour cream goes a long way. Don't get me wrongo, I love sour cream, as a credit to your race, but I never feel the urge to eat a dollop of Daisy. Sour cream is what you call a "condiment". Like ketchup, mustard, and turtle guts it adds to the dish. It is not the dish. Too much sour cream.

Also, there is one use for nacho cheese. It goes on nachos. The B5LB, last time I checked, is not nachos. The nacho flavor contrasts unfavorably with the beans in my opinion.

Overall, the ingredients, while all from the Madre land, don't really mesh and can be found, unlike in the commercial, in unequal portions.

Flavor

Taco Bell is tasty. Burritos are tasty. How does the B5LB stack up? Not well. As mentioned before, the unequal portions really throw off the flavor. Let's consider the bean and cheese burrito. If you get a bite of all beans no big deal. If you get a bite of all cheese no big deal. With the B5LB however, a bite consisting of sour cream and nacho is a big deal.

Overall the B5LB tries to join familiar flavors together, but the result is b. l. a. h.

Texture

Sorry to drive the point home, but the content of the B5LB is disproportionate. They should have called it "Messy Glops and Bean Burrito". It's like biting into a maple bar and getting nacho cheese filling. No thanks. Even if the flavor was agreeable, the combination of beef and gobs of sour cream is no good. In addition, the extra layer of Nacho Cheese "between the sheets" if you will, is like eating snot between two T-shirts. Boo.

Appearance

Don't judge a book by it's cover, and don't judge the B5LB by the unnecessarily large window decal by the drive-thru. It looks good on mass produced plastic decal sure, but in practice this burrito is one ugly duckling. I suppose if the food handlers at your local Taco Bell were the same that engineered that beauty for the commercial, I wouldn't be saying this. That is not the case. The high school kids use the same poor judgement that helps them to choose popular music, to assemble the B5LB. I could hire a monkey to arrange the ingredients, as long as I had someone to roll the burrito. Surprisingly the nacho cheese layer is actually consistent with the advertisement.

Replay Value

I like to see how food comes out. Literally. The B5LB came out surprisingly good. Solid. Kind of a nutmeggy jasmine with a musk to it. I've had much worse at the hands of the burrito supreme.

Final Verdict

A good deal for the money? Sure. However, there are many other fine items on the menu that are just as cheap and taste a whole lot better. I have no idea what the calorie content of the B5LB is, but I can tell you it won't be on their "Drive-Thru Diet" menu any time soon. I won't be having another one, I know that.

ANOTHER TAKE:

After finishing of a pint and a bottle of the cheapest Jim Beam whiskey, I had my government assigned designated driver to take me by the Bell. Surprisingly enough I ordered the B5LB. It was very tasty. There you have it. You have to be drunk/mentally impaired to enjoy the product.