One Dimensional Game Characters

One Dimensional Game Characters

Maybe the reason video game movies always stink, is the fact that video game characters are often one dimensional, stereotyped, formulaic drones. These characters like to do the same thing over and over. How come this is? Well, idiot fan boys love to buy the same game over and over, so why bother giving these guys personality. Here are the 10 that I came up with, but the majority of game character could be here.

10. Master Chief



Having never played any of the Halo games, I threw this guy on there because I don't have to play the games to know he's a chump. I've seen enough Star Wars to know that if the guy wears a helmet all the time, he doesn't have the personality God gave a Bantha's backside. I'm sure Master Chief just runs around, guns blazing, and if he ever does speak or show emotion it will be to yell like a jock in a high school football game. Other one dimensional helmeted idiots in games includes: Samus, Meta Knight, That Guy From HAZE, and any player in the Madden series.

9. Link


The definition of being one dimensional may be read as "Lacking depth". While Link does not "lack depth", he's certainly been in enough games, he does the same thing in all his games! Start of as a young lad, check. Find out about a problem you're destined to solve, check. Find a sword and a shield you're destined to find, check. Never say a word to any one, checkity check! Link never speaks and just does as the guiding character tells him. Kill his parents or something. Give us more of a reason to care about this guy. Uncle Owen?! Aunt Beru?!!

8. Dr. Salvador



Yes that's his name. Why not give this guy a background. Why doesn't he pick up pitchforks and knives like the rest of the villagers? Why does he go straight for the chainsaw? Also, what's with the burlap sack? "Where you burned by acid, or something?". I believe Capcom could have done more to give this guy more flavor. More depth. Maybe they thought a desire to saw of other people's heads with a chainsaw was personality enough.

7. Soul Calibur Chicks



As anyone who has seen a chick on a wrestling show can attest, girls with fake fun bags have no personality. These structurally unsound fighters drive that point home. Someone needs to get the animators at NAMCO some glasses. Sure they have a "back story" and each time they win they'll say one of 3 preselected phrases, but allot of a character's personality come from how they are perceived. Trust me, none of the 14 year old kids that play this game are thinking about Sophie's fight to save her people.

6. Kratos




This guy. You can look at him and tell what kind of story the has. Ooh I hope he doesn't become angry with the gods and swear revenge! That would be terrible if he had to fight through hoards of enemies and hack and slash his way to justice. I don't remember what he sounds like, but I'm sure it's a mixture between James Earl Jones and Harrison Ford. "I want my family back!". That was from Firewall.

5. Pac-Man



This guy is so one dimensional he doesn't even chew his food. Seriously though, from a technical stand point Pac-Man is two dimensional. All arcade characters, by necessity, were one dimensional in those days. You didn't have cut scenes, and you sure didn't have book and movie tie-ins. They would come up with lazy expansions like Mrs. Pac-Man. Seriously, how upset would you be if the next Metroid game was "Mr. Samus" and the only change was there was a baseball cup on the varia suit? They tried to make 3D Pac-Man games, but they were all garbage and only gullible 30 year-olds played them.

4. Mario



Now don't get your over-alls in a bunch. It can be agreed that Mario is a multi-faceted game character, but that doesn't mean he isn't one dimensional. Look at the image above. In all his games, whether it's jumping, flying, karting, or playing sports, he always has that dumb look on his face. The only attempt to explain Mario's roots, and maybe his reason for existence, came in Yoshi's Island, (a sweet game), but we found out more about storks and Yoshi than we did about Mario. Sure his games have multi-dimensional game play, but Mario has always been the same. Dresses the same, talks the same, and sells the same. I guess that's why they don't mess around with his character too much.

3. Chris Redfield


We can all agree that zombies are bad. They are bad for your health and they hurt the economy. So why is it that this joker only states the obvious during times of crisis? "We've got to kill these zombies!". "Don't let them touch you!". Or my personal favorite, "He's a terrorist, plain and simple." No kidding Chris. Why don't you think outside the box and quit being the strong man for once. Maybe cry like a girl, or scream when you see a genetically mangled flesh monster? Or, instead of going on about being partners, maybe talk about what you did before you joined S.T.A.R.S. That would be good. You sound like a publicity statement after 9/11. You're not the press. You're in the crisis. Start acting like it!

2. The Long Piece

Then there is this guy. Sure he can lay flat but he won't. All he ever does is wait for a narrow crevice to appear and then he drops in vertically. Every time. Why not do something else with your life? Do you know how easy it is to get your real estate license? So easy. Maybe take some time off from making a Tetris and flip some condos. Think about it.

1. Boogerman



Being one dimensional isn't always a bad thing. Sometimes basing your entire life, and a set of super powers, on vulgar jokes you heard in Jr. High is a good thing. This is true in Boogerman's case. Sure he uses boogers as a projectile and he flys by farting, but if the one dimension you have going for you is funy, play it out. Unfortunately there was never a sequel to this game and Interplay is out of business, but you can download it on the Wii's Virtual Console. Our lesson today; The Vulgar Dimension is the best dimension.

Thinking Time With Crouch

Time To Think

As Crouch drives down the road, the wind at his back and the future ahead, he gets real pensive. Is that the right word? Pensive? Dictionary's are for wizards, and wizards are in league with the devil. So we will go with pensive, and not look it up.

Where were we? Oh yeah, thinking about stuff. Serious stuff. Deep things that only emo teenagers and people who shop at Trader Joe's think about. Why am I here? Will trees ever have human rights? What does the mole on the underbelly of my nominal sector say about me?
All those are important issues for a young man aren't they? We'll skip pondering upon those issues for now and spout off some self-congratulatory inspired wisdom.

Twenty Five years is a long time to be alive. I tell you, I feel like the old turtle in the swamp in The Neverending Story. Unlike the large turtle however my wisdom is condensed in a smaller package and I don't have a shell. I'm kind of like a high capacity SD card. What kind of wisdom is stored in side my circuits? Glad you asked.

Don't eat the package inside the beef jerky package.

Not a good idea. Sure it looks like candy, but it isn't. For firsty's the little package is hard to open and the little white balls are tasteless. Don't throw them out however. Waste not want not, right? Instead save them up. Wait until you get maybe 20 of the little packages and combine them in an old NERDS box. Wait until you come upon a traveling child that has a package of legitimate NERDS. Trade your "extra special round NERDS" for his raspberry NERDS. Boom. Profit.


Guns are gifts from the gods for use against computer illiterate individuals.

You may think you know the reason for the beginning of WWI, but you are wrong. Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria was on the phone trying to get support for an Internet issue on June 28th, 1914. The customer service associate on the other end was a Serbian gentleman named Gavrilo Princip. As hard as Gavrilo tried to explain what cookies were, Franz just didn't get it. Franz just went on and on about how he had just gotten Windows 7 and everything had changed. After an hour on the phone lines and no solution in sight, a 9mm pistol materialized in a 80s special effect kind of way right in front of him. The rest is history.

Tater Totts are gross.

Potatoes are good. I like them cut and fried, boiled and mashed, chopped and stewed, or hashed and browned. However, only nincompoops from the 3rd world only like tater tots. Ground up little remnants of god knows what part of the potato, arranged like a deer turd, and baked to an internal temperature of 350 degrees? No thanks.

The Worst Way To Describe A Group Of Individuals, Institution, Race, or Another Multi-Membered Entity Is "YOU PEOPLE".

I don't know if it was how it was done in the 30s or what, but how does it make you feel when someone calls you this. "You people charged me $5 for a sandwich" should be stated "I paid $5 for a sandwich." There should be federal regulation against this type of speech. As citizens we should all be assigned one blood thirsty monkey that would bite a person in the neck each time they said "you people".

Dinosaurs were intergalactic landscapers.

That's right. Dinosaurs were hired to make the place look nice for us humans. It's a big planet, so it took a couple million years to complete the job. When they left on their spaceships they took their rakes and tillers with them. Also the wrappers from their Hot Pockets were bio degradable, so they do not show in the fossil record.

Just Because Something Is Currently On Earth, Does Not Mean It Is Terrestrial

I leave you slug heads to figure this one out for your selves. Beware of the three toed sloth, that's all I'll say.


Peace!

Played Out

Played Out Movie Cliches.

James Cameron's AVATAR just hit the billion dollar mark in ticket sales. As all can attest, all though being a fine film, the story didn't do any thing new. This day and age most movies are pretty, but entirely unoriginal. You will find even classic films are knockoffs of classic myths with new wrapping. Below are ten examples that stick out to me.

10. Outsider Joins The Tribe.



With Avatar fresh in mind let's consider this one first. It was done brilliantly in Dances With Wolves, but this hallmark of story telling can be seen elsewhere too. Han Solo makes nice with the Ewoks. Wolverine joins the X-Men. And although not in a movie, Hugh, a Borg, eventually comes around to being a friend Geordi. If you're watching a movie and there is a character that is different, and not a concrete villain, chances are they will join the good side.

9. Video Game Movies Suck



The greatest video games are often the ones that get the go ahead to be made into movies. However that doesn't mean they make great movies, the opposite is true. One of the worst offenders is pictured above. The Mario Bros. movie seems like it was written by one eyed chimps in a lab for rats. Add to the list movies like Doom, Resident Evil, Hitman, Street Fighter, Far Cry, and the pitiful Max Payne. If you played it first, chances are you'll hate the movie.

8. One Key Weakness



Fact: Characters only have one weakness/ vice/ vulnerability. It's to much work to have a character that is multifaceted and is affected by more than one thing. Superman has kryptonite. Frodo has the one ring. Luke Has the darkside. The Witch of the West has water. Achilles had his foot or whatever. Something. Oh man, I sure hope that weakness doesn't appear during the climax of the film. Wouldn't that add to the drama.

7. Bad Guys Never Miss



This one bugs everyone. Who are training these henchmen? They seem like they've handled a gun before, yet when it comes time to hit a target the get rubber arms or something. It's hard name all the movies that this cliche could apply to. The Die Hard movies, the James Bond Series, and Stormtroopers are some of the best examples. However, if I was going to award a trophy for Worst Shot Ever, it would have to go to Greedo in the Special Edition of A New Hope. He misses from like 2 meters away. That's why you don't go in and change something like that. You, and your character, look like idiots.

6. Ethnic partners.

I don't know how many times I've been pulled over and one of the cops is Chinese and the other is native American. Oh wait, yes I do. Zero times. That's how many. Starting sometimes in the late 70s, early 80s it became the standard to have at least one minority partner in all buddy cop movies. The most common is one black and one white, ala Lethal Weapon. However, it's not uncommon to see the Chinese plus black combo as seen in the Rush hour series. I just saw a trailer for a new buddy cop movie with Bruce Willis and Tracey Morgan. Spoiler alert: Their racial differences cause some pretty hilarious outtakes.

5. Did You Learn Your Lesson?

It shouldn't take Marty 3 movies, 2 girlfriends, and one sweet time machine to figure out that he shouldn't race his brand new truck against a load of jerks. But it did. And so we have to sit through the last 15 minutes of the movie while they try to figure out the obvious. Of course your future is what you make it. Hey Doc, save it for a pamphlet and finish the movie right. Take that sweet train time machine and go run over the kids from Lean On Me, over and over. Other movies that shove their moral lessons down your throat include: Fern Gully, Sphere, Neverending Story, and though I haven't seen it, The Passion Of The Christ probably tries to drive a point home. Get it? Crucifiction jokes can be in poor taste.

4. Mentor Trains, Then Dies.

You know how it's said that you live longer if you have a job? I guess this cliche is kinda' like that. Once the mentor has passed on vital knowledge and training to the main character, what's their purpose? They don't have one. Obi Wan is probably the most lazy mentor. He dies, but makes a special appearance to pass the buck. Why doesn't he just ghost teach him? Or why doesn't he just tell Luke to have Yoda help him in the first place? Other movies with mentors that die include the Rocky movies, The Dark Crystal, Return of the Jedi, The Land Before Time, and *shock* Avatar when Sigourney Weaver dies. As a special note, the new cliche in movie mentors is to have the mentor not die, but to come back later as the bad guy. Like in Batman Begins.

Take this journey, Trek movies do it different, twice! Spock at the end of II give McCoy his brain, and Data gives B4 his brain right before he dies too. That's some solid mentoring and dying!

3. Boy, I Sure Hope I Don't Fall For The Girl I Made A Wager About.

Teen movies in the late 90's in themselves were a cliche. Each movie was the same story with new 25 year old meat bags pretending to be 17. One of the worst cliches in those movies occurred when a popular or hip guy makes a wager with his buds about a chick. Whether it's to make thick chick popular, or to have the chick have sex with you, it didn't matter. In the end the boy would fall for the girl, the girl would find out about the wager and become upset, they would work it out, and there would be a prom finale. She's All That and 10 Things I Hate About You are the ones I remember, but I'm sure there are more. The new teen movie cliche is, "I'm a Vampire and your just a girl. I hope you don't love me or anything. I sure don't hope I take my shirt off."

2. Bad Guy Explains Plot, Then Fails.

Is there a villain in the movie? Then he'll give the plot away. Without fail, and usually it's right before the hero takes action. There could be a number of reasons for this. One could be that narrators are too expensive and it's cheaper to have the villain do it. Whatever the case it's a cliche that will not go away. Bond movies probably have the worst reputation for this, but my personal favorite is Return of The Jedi. "Your friends are walking into a trap." And then Ackbar is like, "It's a trap!!". Gee audience, do you think it was a trap? I sure hope Han ol' buddy don't let me down. See I told you they'd do it.

1. Rag-tag Group of Kids Win The Championship.

I like sports. I like kids. I hate movies with sports and kids. Every sports movie with children is the same. The equation goes like this:

a) The group of kids are regular, rag tag kids. They say funny things and like fart jokes.

b) Their coach is down on his luck.

c) Their competition is the best around and have better equipment.

d) They find a way to win.

Why do people pay to watch these movies? You know that's going to happen from the trailer! Mighty Ducks, The Big Green, Little Giants, Like Mike are all examples. There's even one where a dog overcomes the odds, Air Bud. Movies like these are insulting to kids.

BONUS ROUND

CLICHE I'D LIKE TO SEE MORE OF

Riding Around On a Luck Dragon To Get Revenge

The perfect ending to a movie! Why can't they all end like this?

Wrong Beliefs

Wrong Beliefs.

Now that a particular time of year has passed it's nice to not be waste deep in incorrect pagan imagery and sounds. However, that does not mean we are free from all forms of incorrect beliefs. Many people are stupid, and by extension also wrong. Here are ten examples of such incorectness.


10. " It's not whether you win or loose, but how you play the game."



What garbage. Of course sports are predicating on winning. It's what that sign above the field with the lit up numbers means. If it was all about sportsmanship why do coaches get a bonus if they win a championship? The only people who believe this old gem are the desperate parents in the stands cheering for their gimp son as he cowers in the corner of the field where the ball is least likely to land.

9. Dogs are smarter than cats.



What fallacy! People think a dog is smarter because you can teach it tricks. I've got news for you; If I train a person to go fetch me something every time I throw it, does that indicate wisdom on their part? No. It means they are a gullible tool. Dogs are big, slobbering idiots that do anything you want them to because they are too stupid to ignore you. Cat's on the other hand are graceful creatures who strive for independence. Also they know how to bury feces.

8. "Cheater's never prosper"

This gem of misguided wisdom should read, "Cheaters who get caught get in trouble". Whoever heard of someone with unlimited ammo not beating a game? Of course you prosper if you bend the rules. Kobyashi Maru 4,000 in the house!

7. The Customer is always right.

No friend. The customer is always wrong, else wise they wouldn't be bothering you. If the customer was always right they would remember their password or fix the problem themselves. The belief should be, "The customer is often wrong, but we make money off these jerks so deal with it." Misdirected anger is a tool of the buffoon and projection is their primary form of communication.

6. Greedo Shot First.

So you know, I have no qualms with the Special Edition. Only fanboys that remember watching Star Wars in the theater 70 times argue that the classic trilogy is not improved by a couple computer graphics here and there. Having said that, the inclusion of Greedo shooting at Han and missing at a distance of 2 meters in ridiculous. Any Bounty Hunter that is hanging out in Mos Eisley Spaceport is a better shot than that, or he'd be dead much earlier than Greedo had died. The fact is this; That Rodian was running his mouth at an excessive rate so Han shut him up. Case closed.

5. College is Better Than Pro

What does the emblem above indicate? It indicates a total lack of accountability in athletic competition. There are no playoffs and the players are not even paid. They are playing so that they can reach the next level. If the next level is so much worse, why do they strive so hard to reach it? Pro sports are more competitive, better to watch, and the only reason there are college sports.

4. "I Can't Draw."

You can't draw well. Everyone can draw. Some people without hands draw with their feet. People with no hands or feet draw with their mouths. If you don't have a mouth you can't say "I can't draw", so you can't believe it. Ha!

3. Weird Al Rips People Off

Take it easy Coolio. Before you go flying off the handle judging things you know nothing about, take a look at the artists library. Every album Al has ever had is compiled of 50% parody, and 50% original material. People just get they feelin's hurt when he pokes fun at the Backstreet Boys, or their favorite artist. It reminds them of when people ridiculed their mothers, and that's OK. However, listen to great hits such as "Waffle King", "One More Minute", or "I Remember Larry" before you spout off your slander.

2. Video Games Affect Your Actions

Some Jokers like to place blame. If a guy shoots somebody he must have got the idea from somewhere. He couldn't have gotten the idea from all that WWII footage could he? No. He must have been playing a video game and something snapped in his little head. There are alot of nuts out in the world who are sick individuals, and some of them play games. If you see some joker with a burlap sack over his head run up on a federal agent and saw his head off with his chainsaw, then I think there may be a small correlation.

1. Wrestling Is Real

Only the biggest retards on the planet believe wrestling is real. There are two excuses for believing that wrestling is real;

1. Your father is your brother and your mother is your grand daughter and you live in the south.

2. Your daddy is a wrestler, and you are under the age of seven.

Any other individual who expresses that any part of wrestling is real, or that wrestlers are athletes, needs to be laughed at every time you meet them. Too, if such an individual skips an event you are holding to watch wrestling, never invite them to another function again.

Garbage Youthful Nostalgia

10 Things that were cool when you were a kid, but are now garbage.



Youth can be a trying time. Everything is new and there are many things to experience.

Too bad you can only take in what the current generation has to offer you. Once you grow up and become a "fuddy duddy" you have to turn to things like alcohol and nostalgia to feel alive. The combination of liquor and memories is a potent venom, and can lead to some wrong points of view. Everything you come across as an adult that you had when you were a kid, you think is great because you remember it. There are ten category's of things kids like, and here are the ones that are just stupid.



10. Cartoons -



Spiderman Cartoon





Why you liked it-

One of the first television cartoons to use computer images, the New York cityscape, the Spiderman cartoon was action packed and flashy. It was like watching a comic book. Yay!



Why it's garbage-

The show jumped the shark on a weekly basis and adlibbed as it liked to bring in other characters such as Wolverine from the Xmen. the voice acting was horrendous and Peter Parker spells out the plot line by giving the viewer a minute by minute commentary. Trying to sit through these cartoons today is almost as hard as sitting through Spiderman 3, and that's saying something.


Exception-



Batman: The Animated Series





Why you liked it-

It was awesome. Batman was the best and he kicked everyone's butts. Each week there was a new story and a new villain for Batman to foil. It went down smooth after a funny cartoon like Animaniacs.



Why it's still great-

This version of Batman cartoons ditched the campy 70's and 80's Batman style in favor of the new, darker Batman in the Tim Burton movie. They even improved upon that movie's style by not putting machine guns on the batmobile and sticking closer to the source material than any other comic related media. Sure it got a little campy towards the end, but the first three seasons are some of the best cartoons ever.

9. Toys

Care Bears



Why you liked it-

It was like a teddy bear but it came in different colors and had a picture on it's belly. There was also a cartoon on TV where the Bears solved problems by emitting emotions out of their belly's.

Why it's garbage-

Obviously the result of some drug induced hippie's deluded attempt to make young people aware of their emotions, these Bears were and still are a dumb fad. Even if you had the blue bear they are obviously for girls. Hopefully you ditched it around your friends,

Exception-

Dinosaur Toys


Why you liked them-

They are cool. There were many different kinds of dinosaur models and for the most part they were cheap enough for your parents and grandparents to buy them for you. Made of sturdy plastic, the didn't break or fall apart like other toys.

Why they're still cool-

There's a reason why dinosaur kids are smarter than Transformer kids. On the bottom of each figure were the names of the dinosaur. So while your friends were spouting off made up stupid names like "megatron", you were unknowingly spouting Latin. Also, dinosaurs are just cool and any grown man who has a collection of dinosaur models is cool in my book.

8. TV Shows

Power Rangers

Why you liked it-

You were a young man full of energy and misguided pre-pubescent angst. What better way to relieve those things than watch guys in suits fight bad guys. Yay!

Why it's garbage-

It just is. The acting was done by lame 17 year olds with no talent. The dialogue is so terrible there is nothing to compare it to. The story line is contrived and every element of the show is stolen from Japanese cartoons. Bleh.

Exception-

Fraggle Rock

Why you liked it-

Hairy Muppets that lived in a cave underneath some guy's house and caused mischief.

Why it's still great-

Hairy Muppets that lived in a cave underneath some guy's house and caused mischief.

7. Movies

The Wizard

Why you liked it-

A movie about Video Games! Finally! Two of your favorite things together no way this can go wrong. Theirs even a Power Glove and an NES in the movie. Kids can be seen playing Mario 2 & 3! What a great movie.

Why it's garbage-

Take another look under the hood fanboy. This abortion of cinema has as much reverence to the source material as Batman & Robin. "Kiss my ICE, Batman!". At one point a kid uses a power glove like it a Wii Mote, the father button mashes his way through Ninja Turtles, and Christian Slater hooks up his NES to a TV in a repair shop. The nail in the coffin however is how they treat the greatest game of all time, Mario 3. The kids play the game like re-re's first of all. Also to put the kid over the top he wins by using a warp whistle. Everyone knows you don't get points by using a warp whistle. Stupid.

Exception-

The Land Before Time

Why you liked it-

A dinosaur cartoon hadn't come along yet, and this one was most excellent. All your favorite herbivores were represented, as well as a frightful "sharptooth". The hand puppets that Pizza Hut had were also excellent.

Why it's still good-

This movie has a moving story of friendship and perseverance. The dinosaurs are drawn well and Don Bluth's animation studio does excellent work. The soundtrack is also most excellent, as you can't listen to it without feeling that you are in the Cretaceous. This movie is my favorite cartoon and stands the test of time.

6. Candy

Ring Pops

Why you liked it-

A sucker on a ring?! Genius! No need for sticks anymore. As an added bonus they give the appearance of royalty. Surely your friends will bow before you when they see it.

Why it's garbage-

Cavity jewelry is more like it. Not only were these extra messy, but they made you look like an idiot. More like a pacifier for your fingers. Not to mention the plastic ring made a nifty choking hazard after the candy was gone.

Exception-

Bottle Caps

Why you liked it-

Soda is good. Candy is good. Candy that taste like soda is double good!

Why it's still good-

Soda is still tasty and so are Bottle caps. They now come in a nifty pink roll that looks stylish in your front pocket. Other that male enhancement however, they are still tasty. The Root Beer ones in particular.

5. Drink

Drink

Why you liked it-

It was in a cool barrel and came in different colors. It tasted like candy water. Mmmm.

Why it's garbage-

Orange, Grape, Lime, and Blue Raspberry sound tasty enough. The reality however is that Drink has no nutritional value and the only reason your parents let you drink them was so that you would go into a sugar coma and leave them alone for a couple hours. Each bottle says "Contains 0% Juice".

Exception

Cream Soda

Why you liked it- Nectar of the god's it is! Tasty carbonated sugar bubbles.

Why it's still good- Smooth and refreshing, Cream Soda is always a favorite. It's particularly good poured over some Vanilla Ice Cream. Mmmmmm.

4. Sports

Smear The Queer

Why you liked it-

It was fun to run around on recess tackling each other. It was a point of pride to carry the Coke can for longer than 30 seconds. You didn't do the laundry. What did you care if you got dirty?

Why it's garbage-

Try doing that now. You get sore these days just thinking about playing tackle football, much less smear the queer. If you came home all muddy your wife would tell you to do the laundry yourself and wouldn't let you out of the house for a month.

Exception-

Kick Ball

Why you like it-

It was like baseball, but not as hard. While hitting a small ball with a thin bat does take some skill, if you weren't skilled enough to kick a large red ball you were probably skipping P.E.

Why it's still fun-

While your belly has grown and your stamina may not be what it once was, kicking a ball still doesn't take that much skill. The only problem is finding enough grown ups to play with you.

3. Clothes

Bugle Boy Shirts

Why you liked them-

It's all your mom bought you. You better like it because it's all you had to wear.

Why it's garbage-

I couldn't believe how hard it was to find an image of a Bugle Boy shirt. The one I found was small, and I couldn't find any of the really good 90's shirt with the fluorescent color schemes. You looked like a fool and it appears the government has banned images of them.

Exception

Licensed T-Shirts

Why you liked them-

The latest summer blockbuster had come out. How would your school mates know that you had seen it unless you wore the shirt the first day of school? Unfortunately being on a budget you may not be able to get the shirt until the movie was out on video, but you would rock it as soon as you could. As a side note, do you remember how long it would take for movies to come out on tape back then? Crazy.

Why they are still good-

Again I couldn't find any images of my classic shirts. I should just get my camera out and take pictures of my collection. That's right. My Jurassic Park shirt that I had in the 7th grade still fits. While you're wearing Amercombie and GAP, I'm rocking a shirt that has a Tyrannosaur attacking a Ford Explorer. Your growth spurt can suck it.

2. Music

Rude Limericks

Why you liked them-

"Jingle bells, Batman smells" seemed like the ryhme to end all ryhming in those days. It seemed the more you sung that song, the more your friends would laugh. As your musical library grew the songs only got more vulgar, and the ryhmes poorer.

Why they are garbage-

The songs made little sense and were plays on the same holiday songs you're sick of hearing anyway.

Exception-

Weird Al

Why you liked it-

There may be nothing more precious to a youth than his first Weird Al tape. His parodys were hillarious and his original songs were genius. Also, without using foul language, his music seemed to offend others. What a victory!

Why it's still good-

Al's classic library is still excellent, but he keeps coming up with new music. His parodies still make me laugh and songs like "White & Nerdy" and "A Saga Begins" identify with me in a big way. Only prudes don't like Al, and most judge without listening to an alblum.

1. Video Games

Back to the Future II & III

Why you liked it-

Two of the best movies on one game cartridge? You shut your mouth! Oh man. How cool! You even get to ride on a hover board. This is JUST LIKE the movies!

Why it's garbage-

I have the game. Come play it some time. You think the licensed games today are rubbish? This game felt like an abomination. The controls stink, the enemies in the game have nothing to do with the movies, and the music is terrible. One of the worst games ever, and it's certainly the "Meg" of anyones retro game collection.

Exception

StarTropics

Why it was great-

When you could rip the controller away from your other family members, Star Tropics was a very fun game. It was not like any other game on the NES. Some would compare it to Zelda, but it always seemed funner than Zelda.

Why it's still great-

The platforming in this game was very unique and has not been repeated. There are many great retro games, and many of them have had updated releases. However, aside from Zoda's Revenge released during the end of the NES's reign there have been no Star Tropics games. Wich is sad because it's one of the top 10 games in my book.

Crouch's Cellar : Abusing the Laws of Science.

Crouch's Cellar

Like an arm of a rat in a mobster movie, some things are meant to be broken. The laws of science are one of these things and here in Crouch's Cellar is where we can abuse them. Nothing is sacred to science and all things are meant to be dissected and or abused. Having said that, if you have an affinity for puppy dogs or small children Crouch's Cellar is not for you. Get out, and take your morals with you.

Today's Subject - Lizards

Ah yes, serpents with legs. What a fine subject to abuse. Put away your scalpel children, for we are not going to cut the lizard. Rather, we are going to test the animal's tolerance for aggravation. Lizards are a very calm creature and typically with run away from confrontation. The purpose of our abuse today is to see how much we can frustrate a lizard and to quantify our results with scientific jargon.

PREPARATION STAGE

The first thing we will want to do is have a control. For this experiment we will use a toddler*. So ask your neighbors if you can baby sit their 2 year old son for the weekend. Excellent. Once we have a toddler we will need to gather some lizards. My scientific journal here says they can be found on hots rocks in the sun. Gather at least four lizards together and keep them in a crude cage made of aluminum, duct tape, and card board. The next thing we will need to gather is irritants. Gather, ( and by gather I mean steal from your mother), hairspray, rubbing alcohol, toothpicks, and 9mm pistol. Prepare some paper and pens to make scientific graphs and we are ready to begin.

STAGE ONE

Grab a lizard and place it on the counter. Secure the lizard with a length of duct tape. Repeat the process with the toddler. Place some small toys with removable parts and some plastic bags around the child to keep it distracted. We will begin our tests with the hair spray test. To begin we will place plastic sheeting on the hair of the toddler. A real scientist never wants to use chemicals as intended. Once the two subjects have been properly subdued spray a generous and even amount of the hairspray on the face of the test subjects. Note reaction. After that curl the lizards tail and spray another portion of hairspray on to it. Note reaction. Also, curl the toddler's finger and spray an equal portion onto it. Note Reaction.

Be sure to quantify aggravation and irritation levels in scientific terms and use some mathematical symbols on your graph. Did the eyes redden? Did the subject emit sound? Squirm factor? All of these things are important to consider.

FACT - Hairspray poisoning is real and occurs when someone inhales too much of the product. Symptoms include nausea, headache, rashes, and in extreme cases even comas can result.

STAGE TWO

Take the rubbing alcohol and douse a generous amount onto a cloth towel. carefully place a drenched cloth towel on the nose of each subject. The towel may drop off due to the reaction of the subject, but remain diligent. Make sure to have the towel on the nose for a combined time of 2 minutes and 45 seconds. After the time has elapsed grab a flashlight and shine it into the pupils of each subject. Note response.

FACT - Some lizards conserve water by getting rid of salt in the blood stream. The salt is excreted in the capillarie's nerves in the nose.

STAGE THREE

The previous two stages have focused on response to chemical stimuli. While chemicals are useful for emitting response, the can also result in a dulling of the senses and lessening aggravation. That being the case for the second half of our study and the third step, we will poke the subjects in various body parts with tooth picks. Make sure that the toothpicks being used have nice sharp points and are not the sissy "flat" picks. At your discretion choose 5 "aggravation points" on each subject by marking them with a Sharpie. Proceed to poke the spots at a rapid and random rate.

Aggravation should come into effect quickly but do not slow down. Continue to probe the selected areas for a period of no less than 5 minutes. Once the time has elapsed and the "aggravation points" have become red and swollen, discard the toothpicks and place them in a waste basket. Note response.

FACT - The majority of lizards replace entire sets of teeth many time throughout their life spans, reducing the need for dental insurance.

STAGE FOUR

The 9mm handgun is a proven tool of science going back to the turn of the 20th century. Many hypotheses can be proved using the instrument, and the threshold of a lizard's aggravation is no exception. Place the 9mm handgun securely against any number of the lizard and toddler's "non-vital" areas. For a complete list of non vital areas please refer to the 1991 issue of Highlights magazine with the picture of a happy bear on the cover. Once selected fire two magazine rounds into the selected area. Note response.

FACT - Many species of lizards can regrow their tails after shedding it as a defense mechanism. The tail does grow back, but with cartilage instead of bone. The new tail has smaller scales and will never be as long as the original tail.

CONCLUSION

After noting the responses of the two subjects we can see that a lizard is a much more relaxed animal than say, a human child. While the chemical tests greatly infuriated and aggravated the toddler the lizards would just go into a catatonic sleep, (or "death" if you prefer). Also the toothpick test caused the toddler's skin to become heavily irritated and inflamed in areas, where as the lizards skin stayed green and scaly. Also the toddler's toes did not grow back when removed with the 9mm bullet. The lizard's tail is currently reappearing. certainly a marvel of science, it is very difficult to upset a lizard. We can all strive to be more relaxed, just like a lizard.

*If using a toddler seems "wrong" or "in poor taste" you may use an annoying co-worker who repeats themselves incessantly and loudly on a regular basis.